The whole not looking but still end up getting a girl?

This topic is confusing me. I hear that most of the time you will find a girlfriend (something that has eluded me for about 24 years aka my whole life). At the same time if you aren't looking then I always assumed that you were supposed to ask them out and the whole process. Maybe someone can give me an explanation.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I'll take a jab at it.

    Think Verizon salesperson, and small business owner.

    You have a small business. You need a telephone and internet. There are other local services there that will provide that for you, for let's say $40 a month. But a Verizon salesman keeps coming into your office each day, eagerly trying to get you to choose him over the other companies. Why?

    Because the Verizon guy will charge you $180 a month, for the same service. (This is all hypothetical btw. Verizon is great, and they're really not that expensive)

    What's going on here?

    Verizon is basically trying to grab your ass. They have MORE to gain from you, than you have to gain from THEM. And that shows in their eagerness in trying to get you.

    So take that analogy/metaphor, and let's see how it applies to guys.

    We're girls. Let's pretend for a second. And I take you shopping one day, we go pick out the most revealing outfits, just barely what we both determine is not "slutty"; but still revealing enough to get us attention. We shall call these outfits "cute" to each other. We then make plans to go out and just have fun.

    There are two guys sitting across from us. They both have SINGLE written over their forehead.

    Guy B looks at us, his eyes pop wide open, his jaw drops, we're both flattered; we feel sexy and good about ourselves. But then this loser starts to walk over to us, and start talking to us. Ugh. What a creep. We both look at each other and non-verbally conclude that we need to make up an excuse to leave.

    Guy A is just standing there. He's aware of us, but neither ignoring or paying attention to us. When we try to get his attention, he acknowledges us, but don't go any further. After talking to him, we know he's not gay, so we can't use that as an excuse to ourselves anymore. We know he's dated girls, we know other girls want him, and we know we're not ugly. But what's bothering both of us is that he's not trying to get our attention. He's not trying to sell himself to us.

    What's going on here?

    As girls, Guy B is the Verizon guy. He wants to grab our ass (and more). He just wants to get into our pants, and has no intention of anything more than that. He basically has everything to gain, and nothing to lose. This is why he's eagerly trying to win us over. This is also why we're both completely turned off.

    Guy A on the other hand, is neutral. He's not gay, taken or married or anything. It's not like he's ignoring us or pushing us away. But it's not like he's trying to pull us closer either! As girls, this fascinates us, because of what it implies. It implies that WE (girls) have more value to realize from him, than he has from us. That all we have to offer him is the way we look or sex, but that's clearly all-too-common to him so it's of very little value to him. Why has he been so successful with women? Money? Huge Package? Great lover? Emotionally caring & sensitive? We don't know, but we want to find out..

    there you go..

    • I agree but I think you're leaving out something very important. "Girls want to feel special." They want to feel like the guy chose her because she had something no other girl could offer. I don't think a girls put too much emphasis on "why didn't he choose me?" They put emphasis on "why did he choose me?" A girl wants to feel like you chose her because she's special.

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    • And as the Harvard Business Review (July-Aug 2008) issue says:

      "companies that offer a service/product whose value or demand is increasing should AVOID locking-in terms or entering into contracts; since it allows them to entertain better offers. conversely, companies that offer a service/product whose value or demand is decreasing should SEEK to lock-in terms or enter into contracts."

    • This is why naturally, the potential benefits/gains (or costs) of "locking-in terms" or entering into contracts, cause men and women to behave differently when it comes to the issue of marriage.

      the person who is offering MORE value, in return for less, will try and avoid it or be reluctant to enter into such an agreement.

      whereas the person who is offering LESS value, in return for more, will be actively seeking it and trying to persuade the other party to agree as well..

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • You don't necessarily have to ask a girl out to figure out whether you have feelings for her. Just live your life and try to make yourself happy without sulking over girls and whether they like you or not. In the process you will meet girls who see how happy and dedicated you are to your goals without a wman by your side; they will want to become part of what you have, and since you are not pursuing them they won't feel uneasy around you. Since you aren't LOOKING for a girlfriend what you will find is friends, and as your relationship with a friend strenghthens, you might find that you like eachother. I think that a friendship like that is a good basis for a relationship, and thinking like that you might not just find a girlfriend, but love too =]

    • I understand that and I find that this is a very good answer. Then if this is the case, what is the whole "friend zone," and a lot of girls say they would not date their guy friends?

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    • The next thing is how to do that, when in my heart I really am looking.

    • Sorry I took so long to reply..

      I think that subconsciously people are always looking for love, whether they admit it or not. If you can't hide it, dont, because its always best if you're yourself. Try to figure out what it is you want in a girlfriend and look for those qualities in each girl you consider. If you think you've found her, take your time anyway! Don't rush into love and give the girl time to realize her feelings too =]

What Guys Said 3

  • I believe you're referring to the adage: "love come along when you least expect it." This is mostly true. I use my fiancĂ©e an I as an example. We grew up together. I've known her all my life, same schools, same college, etc. We're both 36, but we'd never dated. Throughout, our entire life after school. We've lived in different parts of the country. We would see each other at family gathering, and we've always been friends. This past NYE she invited me to a party at her family's house. Soon after midnight we unofficially engaged. I officially propose 4 days later; we'll be married April 17th of this year. Ours is a rare and pretty unique situation, but in one night my entire life changed.

    I've a lot dated,had numerous flings, but only 3 real relationships. The three girls I've had relationships with; I met all of them when I least expected it. That didn't mean they all fell in my arm, and I didn't have to put in the effort. I was just at a point in my life where I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I didn't really want a girlfriend, but things just happen that way.

  • The phrase isn't supposed to be taken literally; if you don't look at all, a girl isn't going to fall out of the sky, land in your arms and say, "Marry me, baby!".

    The point behind the phrase is saying when you aren't evidently desperate (not looking), the opposite sex will be attracted to you more often than not. Conversely, if you're perving after every girl who has a wiggle in her hips, onlookers are going to see you're dying for attention from the opposite sex.

  • There's a great quote that gets to the heart of this question. "A woman can go to the bar, and if she really wants to, can leave with a man. A guy can go to many bars, and there's no guarantee he'll leave with a woman."

    I'd certainly say it's harder for a guy to get a girl than the other way around. Most women, from the time they were around 14 or so, have been getting attention from males. Guys, on the other hand, generally don't have a cache of women to choose from.

    That's not to say it's any easier for women; just because they have more options doesn't mean any of the guys available to them are really what they are looking for. On the contrary, the guys who are available to them are the guys who otherwise haven't found a girl yet; all else being equal, they're probably from the less-desirable side of the scale. In the end, guys have to look harder to find a girl, but once they've found one they're easier to please. Girls don't have to look very hard to find a guy, in reality they don't actually literally have to find a guy, it just happens, girls are takers and choosers, guys go after what they want, yes there is a good and bad side to it, but being a taker and chooser is better because you have more options, you get to control the outcome situations more often, but they'll have to wait for some time to get a good guy. But still, even if it is a great, good, long-term serious committed relationship, the guy was the one that initiated it, did all or most of the work in order to get the girl to be in a relationship with him.

    Overall, even if it is a serious, committed, long-term relationship, a great one, or just a hook-up, one-night stand, casual sex, etc. Girls have it entirely easier initially, us guys have to do all or most of the work in order to anything with or from a girl.

    Thats why I think women have it easier.

    I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend, always been single, seriously, it's way easier for a girl to get a boyfriend than for a guy to get a girlfriend.