Is it fair to be scared of guys now? Is it wrong for me to be afraid? They all say it's my fault.

I don’t know how old I was, I never had birthdays

Mama told me to do as she said, to just be a good girl

It was a cold night, and three men walked in

A joint for an hour, a pound for the night is what mama told them

I sat in my room, alone, ready to try and sleep

OK. She's all yours. That’s what I heard mama say.

I heard my door open. I pretended to be sleeping.

Come on girl. He pulled back the covers. He grabbed my arm. I shook my head in protest.

I said come on.

Mama grabbed me and handed me to the men. Then she left.

Be a good girl and do as they say, you don’t disobey your mama.

That’s all she said as she walked into the kitchen, lit up a joint, and ignored what was happening to me.

The man said mama told him to get me in the bath.

I said I had my bath already. I wanted to sleep now.

No. Take your clothes off. Be a good girl like your mama told you to be.

I ran to my bed and hid under my covers.

He grabbed me. One held my arms behind me. One stood by the door laughing. And the other one stripped me of my clothes.

Now you were told to be a good girl. And we have you for the night. So you listen to us.

They threw me on the mattress.

They did bad things.

I tried to scream. But they covered my mouth. I tried to fight. But they held me down.

I was being bad. So they hit me. They hit me and kicked me so hard. They told me I was being bad. So they had to teach me a lesson.

They all took turns. Getting on top of me. Doing the bad things.

They hurt me so much.

I kept fighting. And the man got out a cigarette. He lit it. He smoked it.

Then he put the tip of it in my face.

He said I wasn’t behaving like I should. That mama would be mad at me.

He told me if I didn’t quit fighting they’d keep hitting me.

I didn’t listen to him. They were hurting me. I wanted out. I wanted them to just leave.

He hit me hard then took the tip of his cigarette and pressed it on my stomach.

Now you be quiet. You listen to us. You do what we want. He kept saying mean things.

The whole time still holding the burning cigarette to my bare skin.

So I laid there.

I just closed my eyes and pretended they weren’t there. That they weren’t on top of me. After a while. I went numb. I couldn’t feel the pain.

I pretended I was in a warm bed. Safe. I pretended my mama loved me.

I thought my mama loved me.

But she sold me. Every weekend she sold me to different men.

Traded me for the drugs she needed. The drugs she loved more than her daughter.

Ignoring what was happening behind the closed doors where they took me.

I’ll never forget the words I heard so often. Just be a good girl.


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What Guys Said 2

  • You are not wrong at all. Suggest you speak to someone

  • completley rational to be afrad.


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