She can't look me in the eyes

Ok once again I'm talking about the same girl in my last 6 posts. The short story to a long list of stories is there is this japanese girl that was acting distant to me.She's thinks she's Asexual but I am not sure she really is. (Asexual has a new meaning now that defines someone with no feelings towards guys or girls.)

She did love guys, she told me she did. I'll explain more of why she doesn't now later.

She didn't think that she was acting distant because she's just happy being by herself. Not like super happy like she loves loneliness, she just feels like "ok I hung out with my friend today and now I get to make music for the next 5 days, I don't have to go anywhere, do anything, Music! YAY!"

Thats how she is, Now the thing is that she also said she's doesn't want to let me get closer like cuddle because she doesn't want to lead me on. She doesn't want me to fall for her. Basically she says she doesn't want love to take up all her life and also she thinks she doesn't deserve love. She doesn't want the physical or emotional parts of love.

The thing is that the whole time we talk though she can't look me in the eyes. Shes constantly messing with something in her hand or pulling at things looking at something. Like we hung out but she was busy and said could you wait 15 mins. So I did, the second she was done she walked over to me sat down and looked off into the distance. And she couldn't stop messing with things, The thing is we didn't talk about anything personal or strange, we talked about music she made.

Every time the conversation was slowing down she'd pick it up again instead of taking that opportunity to leave. She would talk to me, she suggested to go to a restaurant, though she did think she was just dropping me off for a sec and I was gonna walk 10 miles home. Then she realized it but still, after that we talked for 2 more hours about mistakes I made around her that made her feel uncomfortable at times, and then we talked about her asexuality again.

Thats where the whole I want to do things and not just think about love and that she doesn't deserve it came in. Now Remember we talked for two hours, she did most of the talking and had lots of chances to end it earlier. She still couldn't look at me, weather it was about music or about a personal stuff, she just can't look at me but she can talk to me for hours when she has time.

After that long story my question is Why can't she look at me when she talks? We talk for hours, she could have ended it at anytime. She knows I'm easy going and would agree if she suggested the end of the conversation. Why would she talk to me about personal stuff about love and how she doesn't believe she deserves it for hours and yet not look at me for more then a minute? What does that mean? Is she doubting herself? Is she upset about something and can't look at me? What is it?

She said she considers me a good friend. That she doesn't talk to everyone the way she talks to me. She thought I was manipulating her at first and I apologized for that and everything that made her uncomfortable. I don't know why she's acts nervous.
Also I have to ask her to hang out she doesn't ever suggest we hang out, but when she does hang out she's always like whatever when I ask her if she's cool with it. She doesn't really mind me being there but rarely asks to hang out.
But then we hang out and it just seems like we can talk forever. She likes to talk a lot and I like talking a lot but the thing is she can't look at me, even when I'm looking at her.


Most Helpful Girl

  • IMO, she is either:

    1.) Lying to you (and herself) about being "asexual" (The new definition STILL has me laughing !) and is really into you but doesn't want to admit it even TO herself, yet she can't tear herself away from you.


    2.) She's not into you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

    NOTE: You need to watch for body language at this point. Make sure the eye contact and submissive behavior is not just a cultural thing. Waggling eyebrows and winks in some cultures are VERY suggestive and not just a part of being flirtatious.

    "...She did love guys, she told me she did. I'll explain more of why she doesn't now later..."

    You never explained. Was she ever sexually assaulted/abused ? If so, this is beyond signals. She may be withdrawing because contact reminds her an attack. She'll need counseling.

    Good luck, if you really really like her. You're going to have to be really patient, regardless of the scenario.

    • Ok she doesn't do it anymore because she feels like she doesn't deserve it. that was her main reason. She also said she doesn't want it to take up her life and think about nothing but love. That was the reason. She can't stop touching things an acts nervous

    • I just don't believe that's a good enough reason. Someone has to have hurt her either emotionally or sexually in the past. Be patient and build up more trust so she will be more open about her feelings. Other than that, there's not much else you can do.

    • She was dating and he was to affectionate to her and she already didn't feel like she deserved it. That made her mad and she broke up with him. She didn't date again after that, she doesn't consider us dating were just hanging out.

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What Girls Said 6

  • Hi there...Ok I'm going to need a little more background on her to know if my answer would help you understand her actions (message me when you get a chance)...I'm Asian American so I know exactly how she feels. At one point I was there..Anyhow, I'm going to lay it down on the table for you to the best of my ability.

    Asian culture is completely different than American culture, however asian tradition becomes diluted depending if the individual associates with a wider mixed group vs. associating within his/her "asian" assimilating at snail pace. Asian families are structured on a pyramid base -respect & loyalty which includes all aspects of the definitions and everything that falls in between and one those things is "tough love"...The everyday issues of life that goes on in the world stay between only adult/parents and family/children are separate i.e. do not talk about sex or it will taint their mind leading to promiscuity. Asian parents NEVER give or bring up the Birds and Bees talk or will never feel comfortable to even attempt. Asian kids learn about reproduction in Sex Ed. in school. Basically growing up there are no heart to heart talks between parents and children, physical affection, I love yous', I miss yous', especially the word "sorry"... When my parents "looked into my eyes" I knew I was going get my ass beat. Looking into the eyes is the "i'm going to f--k you up look" that sets fear in your bones words can't describe (Trust I know this one all, too well). If I looked at my dad directly in the eyes he would take that as me being defiant and disrespectful...Anyhow, the downfall of this structure is that as an adult it dents interpersonal skills/confidence shaping into a passive/submissive individual in a society where communication in all aspects is a must in order to thrive...

    Please don't take her looking at you in the eyes that she does not respect you. She most likely will not be able to look at you directly in the eyes until she feels 100% completely comfortable inside and out which also means knowing all of you as if knowing you becomes "natural" in a sense. I guarantee you say in 5 years from now if she decides to get brave today and continues to have exposure to a wider larger way of life filled with options vs. what she had been taught and known...shes going to be a completely different person in vibrant sense who will carry herself differently or "openly"

  • Big chances are that she likes you. She's afraid to look at you in the eyes because she really likes you and she's trying not to. Anything that can make her feel like she really likes you, she's trying to avoid. The fact that she told you that she doesn't deserve to be loved, probably means that she wants you to convince her that she does deserve it. Maybe ask her why she feels that way? Be honest with her about it. Maybe she wants to know that someone really cares about her and likes her and believes that she deserves to be loved. You know her, so just know her boundaries and respect them at the same time.

  • I think she likes you but is scared for anything to happen between you two. Maybe she's not ready for it but if it really bothers you that much that she won't look at you just ask her why. You said in the comments at the bottom that she was shy so maybe she just doesn't like to look at people, it might not even be about you.

    • Thats the thing though she was fine before, then she wasn't and now she seems ok with it again. Its strange because she would think up things to talk at certain points and at other times she doesn't seem to be in the talking mood.

    • Don't over think every conversation that you have with her. Some people are talkative some times and quiet other times. It might not have anything to do with you.

  • I know that for some cultures, most people don't look you in the eye. maybe the Japanese culture is like that, if so, she probably doesn't mean anything by it - that's just how they do it

    • Actually she seems to be ok with looking me in the eye's again. She seems uninterested but what I don't get is that at certain points she seems to care, Like I said she sends really strange signals. every time she seems comfortable she corrects herself.

    • It seems like she's fighting herself not to like you but is having a hard time with it.

  • She obviously likes you but doesn't want you to know yet. But maybe instead of always talking to her just say a quick hi. Then she'll realize.. Hey maybe I should tell him I like him.

    Good luck!

  • Im not positive but it sounds like she was in an abusive relationship before. I know from experience that you get so broken that you feel worthless and like you don't deserve love. They break you down untill your nothing and it takes a long time to recover. She was afraid you were manipulating her because she's been there before. When I finally left I kept to myself for a very long time, I didn't speak to anyone. If this is the case she will have serious trust issues and be very insecure. The music is probably the only outlet she has to help her work through the pain that's why it is the most important thing to her right now. The abuser also tries to distance you from your friends which could be why spending time with them is not a huge deal anymore.


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