How do I deal with being second fiddle?

I used to be so socially inept and quiet that it wasn't even funny. I was completely hopeless. So I took steps to improve this and I'm so much better. I can hold conversations and make people laugh. However, I'm still more comfortable in smallish groups (2-3) than I am in large groups.

In large groups, I feel "stifled". Usually there's a guy who's the leader, the alpha, and he controls the flow of conversation and people look to him for approval for what's funny, what to do, what not to do. And I hate that feeling of leaving it up to someone else and having someone else "dominate" and dictate the flow. So I avoid large groups.

Problem is, these types of guys are more attractive. Recently, there were a couple girls who used to like coming up to me and talking a lot because I'd make them laugh and tease them. However, there's another guy who's basically taller, better-looking, and more outgoing than me. He can talk to large groups. Eventually they moved over to him because he was talking to a larger group so he was more appealing. So now they tease each other and crush on him.

I like the guy; we talk a lot. But I can't deal with it in large groups because inevitably I get drowned out and it just makes me look/feel worse. So I just kind of stay away, figuring that I might as well try to find my own group.


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  • Don't be second fiddle. Plan things out and take charge. Work on your command presence.

    • right, but it's tough to plan things out and take charge when there's another alpha in the way, who more people listen to, and is taller and better-looking and just as funny.

    • Don't include him in your plans. Invite certain people and exclude him from the plans.

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