If a woman keeps being hot and cold, does it mean she cares or she's just mentally ill?

Question

My case is non-romantic. My fiancée says I need to be patient with this woman, but I have some issues when she first blocks my number and then barrages me with texts all day.
Before the new lockdown we went to the park and she basically pulled me like a girl would when I sit up for a moment. She even bought me a crêpe.
Then, just as I start feeling comfortable with her again, and start laughing to her jokes, she disappears or gets cold with me.
She disappears for days and doesn't answer my calls, then texts one morning like nothing happened or even asks why I was "ignoring" her.
When I ask her about her behavior she says she's hypersensitive and does that because she cares about our relationship.

Updates:

1 y

For example, we spent the whole night texting and this is one of the moments where it seems nothing can separate us.
But I know that in some days or even today she'll get cold and stop contacting me or throw me those aside glances when she'll come to visit.
Or she'll keep being like she's being now, warm and jolly, and just when I'll feel comfortable enough to take some initiative like bringing pizza or kebab to eat together, she'll act like she can't wait for me to go away.

1 y

by the way read well - I've said it's a non-romantic issue, the woman in question is my mother.

Answer 1

Jahizamy

Xper 5

You stay up all night talking to a woman who is not your fiancé?

You're lying to yourself bud.

Also, I've dealt with girls like this, she most likely has some childhood attachment issues that have lingered into adulthood. She's going to be like that until she seeks professional help.

Often these women have very damaging personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder or narcissism. They have a fear of engulfment (or attachment) and simultaneously a fear of rejection.

So once you get close, they push you away because of their engulfment fears but if you go too far away they pull you in because of their fear of rejection.

They will drive you insane if you let them, key phrase, if you let them.

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Answer 2

kboy808

Xper 4

Was your mother always like this? It's possible that she could be getting something when you get older i. e dimensia. or alzheimer's. If she only recently been doing this then I suggest go seek a professional because it could be something more serious and if it is, they can suggest ways to slow it down or in best case scenario cure it so your mother would live a longer better life. I wish you and your mom the best and I hope things work out. I hope this helps a little. Aloha!

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1 Person

Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
She's just 43 but she's always been like this, although earlier on she used to ignore me more.
kboy808

1 y
Ic. Maybe she's bipolar? truthfully I think you should take your mom to a specialist to diagnose the behavior. I hope everything works out for you!

Answer 3

Jean-Marie_Céline

She's just 43 but she's always been like this, although earlier on she used to ignore me more.

Answer 4

kboy808

Ic. Maybe she's bipolar? truthfully I think you should take your mom to a specialist to diagnose the behavior. I hope everything works out for you!

Answer 5

Screenwriter

Guru

Jean Marie, you KNOW your mother has mental health issues. You've said it yourself: she's abused drugs, she's now abusing alcohol.

My mom, many years ago, said to avoid "sometimey" people. Those who run hot, then cold. You never know what you're going to get and consistency is important in healthy relationships.
Alcoholics are notorious for acting in this manner and I'd say her actions paint her into that corner.
WHy don't you attend Alcoholics Anonymous's group for family members who have an alcoholic parent, spouse, friend... Al Anon. They might be able to help you.

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3 People

Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
You are right, but if I bring up the possibility of getting her help she'll get mad again.
She's never been that fierce, but she's been showing a temper as of late and I don't want to always fight and argue.
Screenwriter

1 y
YOU GO. It has nothing to do with HER. It's for YOUR benefit. You cannot get your mom to do anything she doesn't want to do. She clearly doesn't think she needs help of any kind, except your money. And to monopolize your time at her convenience.
Al Anon will give YOU coping skills.

Answer 6

Jean-Marie_Céline

You are right, but if I bring up the possibility of getting her help she'll get mad again.
She's never been that fierce, but she's been showing a temper as of late and I don't want to always fight and argue.

Answer 7

Screenwriter

YOU GO. It has nothing to do with HER. It's for YOUR benefit. You cannot get your mom to do anything she doesn't want to do. She clearly doesn't think she needs help of any kind, except your money. And to monopolize your time at her convenience.
Al Anon will give YOU coping skills.

Answer 8

SphynxUK

Yoda

Your mum?
She certainly could be unwell.
This is an emotional time for her, and spending time with you could have set her off for a number of reasons.
The main thing is, she’s trying. It’s going to be confusing for you, but just take each day as it comes. Try not to read too much into her ways. She obviously can’t help it. Or at least, this is the impression I get.

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1 Person

Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
Exactly.
Sometimes I think she's really trying and putting effort in, but other times it feels like she does it just because I help her out financially.
Sometimes it really feels like we have a strong bond and can really understand each other, but other times it's like I don't stand a chance and she'd prefer anyone - even my fiancée - to me.

Answer 9

Jean-Marie_Céline

Exactly.
Sometimes I think she's really trying and putting effort in, but other times it feels like she does it just because I help her out financially.
Sometimes it really feels like we have a strong bond and can really understand each other, but other times it's like I don't stand a chance and she'd prefer anyone - even my fiancée - to me.

Answer 10

Qdbrown

Xper 6

You're mother is losing it. She is playing mind games with you. She trying to pull your attention away from your fiancee. Sounds like emotions issues.

First, set boundaries. It's hard being the son, but for your benefit, she needs to know how healthy human interaction works, and if she can't just be normal, she needs professional help. I would pull yourself away from all the games, and just say you can not handle the massive texting one day, to ghosting the next few. Who's mom really ghosts their son?

This needs to become a conversation about making next steps for emotional wellhood.

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Answer 11

TheorionMage

Yoda

She seems to genuinely care BUT... she MAY HAVE associative personality disorder (a kind of schizophrenia) wherein she's LITERALLY of 'TWO minds' about your relationship... see if she cares (and YOU care) enough to go WITH you for couples counseling~

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2 People

Thedivinechic

1 y
His mom and him are a couple? Read all comments please. Lol
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
@Thedivinechic from what I understood, there is ''couple counseling'' for parents and children too, although naturally it's a bit different from standard counseling.

Answer 12

Thedivinechic

His mom and him are a couple? Read all comments please. Lol

Answer 13

Jean-Marie_Céline

@Thedivinechic from what I understood, there is ''couple counseling'' for parents and children too, although naturally it's a bit different from standard counseling.

Answer 14

FlutteringFeelings | 143 opinions shared on Flirting topic.

Yoda

If woman is being hot and cold 10/10 she’s not that interested in the guy. she's just keep him around for conversation or when she’s bored.

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2 People

FlutteringFeelings

1 y
Oops I skipped over the “non-romantic” part. Pardon me for that lol.
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
No problem

Answer 15

FlutteringFeelings

Oops I skipped over the “non-romantic” part. Pardon me for that lol.

Answer 16

Jean-Marie_Céline

No problem

Answer 17

JEndigoBleue

Xper 5

Why do we spend time trying to be cool folks when they are being cool with us.

Treat people like they want to be treated.

It is apparent she doesn't value the relationship. So, you need to disconnect.

You've given her several chances.

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1 Person

Answer 18

SirJohn42

Xper 6

Weird how she ignores you and acts that way. Maybe mom is going through a mid life crisis? But thats not normal for a mother to behave. I seriously wouldn't put up with it.
Why would Finace think its ok?
doesn't mind that mom is not acting stable.

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1 Person

Answer 19

West_Lily

Xper 1

What kind of jokes did you make? Were they about her?

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2 People

Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
I didn't make jokes, she made them
West_Lily

1 y
Opps, I read that wrong. Hmmmm that's confusing. You laugh at her jokes and she gets hypersensitive. She also blocks you and sends you a bunch of messages.
West_Lily

1 y
What is she hypersensitive about? Why is she blocking you? Is she upset about something?
Show All Show Less
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
She says she needs space.
But when I give it to her and go my own way, she starts spamming me with texts.
I'm beginning to think she's either mentally ill or treating me like someone to put on hold whenever she wants.
West_Lily

1 y
I think your mother cares about you, but she is going through something. Her behaviors may be due to a mental illness, stress, or anger. You care about her, but it can also be draining. You can have a heart to heart conversation with her as adults to repair your relationship. She may be limited as to what she can offer you, but she is trying her best. It doesn't mean you have to allow the behavior.
West_Lily

1 y
Did you recently move out or something?
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
Somewhat. She approached me a year and a half ago after some four years of no contact between us.
I was living with my sister and she hates our mother because she hasn't been a really present or exemplary mother, so after I moved out from my sister she started getting in touch with me.
West_Lily

1 y
It's possible that she can have an underlying mental illness or just other things going on. It sounds like your sister thinks she failed as a mother. I think you care for your mother. Your mother has to work on herself so she can be there for you guys. You can be there to support her, but she will have to do the work.
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
I think she surely has issues, but she's not really bad as in abusive or something like that even if she did some bad things.
I'm the only one who talks to her and despite our fights I don't want to leave her alone. But I do want for her to improve.
West_Lily

1 y
I think your relationship may be strained because of anger and resentment. You can accept her for where is at now and forgive her past mistakes. She can change or maybe this is the best she can do. Ultimately, you decide which behaviors you will accept. Treat her the way you want her to treat you.

Answer 20

Jean-Marie_Céline

I didn't make jokes, she made them

Answer 21

West_Lily

Opps, I read that wrong. Hmmmm that's confusing. You laugh at her jokes and she gets hypersensitive. She also blocks you and sends you a bunch of messages.

Answer 22

West_Lily

What is she hypersensitive about? Why is she blocking you? Is she upset about something?

Answer 23

Jean-Marie_Céline

She says she needs space.
But when I give it to her and go my own way, she starts spamming me with texts.
I'm beginning to think she's either mentally ill or treating me like someone to put on hold whenever she wants.

Answer 24

West_Lily

I think your mother cares about you, but she is going through something. Her behaviors may be due to a mental illness, stress, or anger. You care about her, but it can also be draining. You can have a heart to heart conversation with her as adults to repair your relationship. She may be limited as to what she can offer you, but she is trying her best. It doesn't mean you have to allow the behavior.

Answer 25

West_Lily

Did you recently move out or something?

Answer 26

Jean-Marie_Céline

Somewhat. She approached me a year and a half ago after some four years of no contact between us.
I was living with my sister and she hates our mother because she hasn't been a really present or exemplary mother, so after I moved out from my sister she started getting in touch with me.

Answer 27

West_Lily

It's possible that she can have an underlying mental illness or just other things going on. It sounds like your sister thinks she failed as a mother. I think you care for your mother. Your mother has to work on herself so she can be there for you guys. You can be there to support her, but she will have to do the work.

Answer 28

Jean-Marie_Céline

I think she surely has issues, but she's not really bad as in abusive or something like that even if she did some bad things.
I'm the only one who talks to her and despite our fights I don't want to leave her alone. But I do want for her to improve.

Answer 29

West_Lily

I think your relationship may be strained because of anger and resentment. You can accept her for where is at now and forgive her past mistakes. She can change or maybe this is the best she can do. Ultimately, you decide which behaviors you will accept. Treat her the way you want her to treat you.

Answer 30

Thedivinechic

Xper 5

Your fiancee knows you like another person? Lol She or he is ok with a triangular relationship? Wtf

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2 People

Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
I said ''non-romantic'' case. It's my mother.
Thedivinechic

1 y
Parents children relationships are one of the hardest things ever. You could never EVER EVER fully get to know your parents because they will always keep things from you. Not your fault. Be true to your finance and don't worry about pleasing everyone. You do the best you can.
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
I think you are right, and I also know she lies a lot. Still her behavior really leaves me scratching my head.

Answer 31

Jean-Marie_Céline

I said ''non-romantic'' case. It's my mother.

Answer 32

Thedivinechic

Parents children relationships are one of the hardest things ever. You could never EVER EVER fully get to know your parents because they will always keep things from you. Not your fault. Be true to your finance and don't worry about pleasing everyone. You do the best you can.

Answer 33

Jean-Marie_Céline

I think you are right, and I also know she lies a lot. Still her behavior really leaves me scratching my head.

Answer 34

Anonymous

when a woman is hot and cold, it can mean a lot of different things but most of the time when a woman is hot and cold it means that she’s just using you as a back up boyfriend just in case it doesn’t work out with another dude or till someone else better comes along.

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1 Person

Answer 35

Gwenhwyfar

Master

Could be both, but in your case I defo see mental illness, possibly narcissism

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3 People

Gwenhwyfar

1 y
In her case I mean. Not you.

Answer 36

Gwenhwyfar

In her case I mean. Not you.

Answer 37

dreamstar72 | 134 opinions shared on Flirting topic.

Guru

Who is this person to you? This makes a lot of difference

You states it is not romantic
You state you fiancée told you to

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Answer 38

Glasgow55

Xper 6

I don't think she cares about you, and I really don't think you can accuse someone of being mentally ill because they're offhand with you. Why are you still bothering?

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Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
I think she's got mental issues because of her continuos flip flopping.
She can't ghost me one moment and spam me with texts the next.
Glasgow55

1 y
Why not?
Jean-Marie_Céline

1 y
Because that's not how a mother should behave.
Because she should have the balls to tell me she's done with me so I can leave her alone instead of saddling me with the responsability of keeping her company because my sisters (rightfully) pretend she doesn't exist.

Answer 39

Jean-Marie_Céline

I think she's got mental issues because of her continuos flip flopping.
She can't ghost me one moment and spam me with texts the next.

Answer 40

Glasgow55

Why not?

Answer 41

Jean-Marie_Céline

Because that's not how a mother should behave.
Because she should have the balls to tell me she's done with me so I can leave her alone instead of saddling me with the responsability of keeping her company because my sisters (rightfully) pretend she doesn't exist.

Answer 42

shade_19

Xper 5

I can relate it, so did my ex.
And u hated that bout her.
Well I don't know many women do that i guess

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Answer 43

Kas19

Explorer

I don't know. I'm not friends with adults that can't get a grip on their emotions.

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4 People

Answer 44

phoebe245

Xper 5

I think maybe mental illness. I'm sorry though I hope she gets better

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1 Person

Answer 45

Alyssa11

Yoda

Looks like a lack of communication to me.

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1 Person

Answer 46

msc545 | 222 opinions shared on Flirting topic.

Master

It means she is playing games with you. Dump her.

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1 Person

msc545

1 y
@Thedivinechic I read it. So what? is she the final authority on everything?

Answer 47

msc545

@Thedivinechic I read it. So what? is she the final authority on everything?

If a woman keeps being hot and cold, does it mean she cares or she's just mentally ill?

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