How to reverse my ex's anger and hurt

So my ex and I dated for two years. I broke up with him a few months ago, but we agreed to try again after a month apart. Things seemed to really get great again. All our mutual friends kept telling me how happy they were to see him talking about me nonstop again. The guy was head over heels, and I'm not saying that to be conceited, and I'm not imagining it.

Three weeks ago would have been our two year, if we hadn't broken up. So he took me to dinner, asked me to be official again, and told me I was his better half and how much he loved and cared about me. It was the perfect weekend.

Then we went to our separate homes for Thanksgiving. He had a really rough week. His mom and step dad are contemplating divorce, he had some medical issues, and he had to put his dog down after having her for 15 years.

We had a stupid fight over the phone, which blew up into a complete mess. I was stressed too and said things I didn't mean. I was not nice...I apologized the next day because I had realized my mistake. But he had already shut down emotionally. Totally gone and numb. I gave him a few days of space, and drove four hours to see him later that week with his permission. I said I was sorry and I knew things could get better and we could get past this. He only looked into my eyes, with a dead, painful stare, and said "I can't."

A few days later we talked, and it got a little ugly. He told me I did this, and he can't talk about it with me because I'm the reason he's feeling so angry. He says he can't be with me ever again because he can't risk going through this pain again. He says he's been walking on eggshells to make sure he didn't do anything wrong the past few months, afraid I'd break up with him again. I told him I thought our arguments were from tension from the break up, but if we just appreciated what we fell for two years ago, we could get through it.

I apologized calmly, asked for a fresh start and to forget the pain, and he said no. His mind is made up.

Everything in me says this is wrong. It's not time for us to be apart. I've had three weeks to make sure I'm not just feeling rejected. I truly miss him and his love. Not simply having someone. I surround myself with friends, activities, I work out all the time to feel better. But still I can't sleep, or eat, or do anything without thinking about how I can get him past this anger. He has a tendency to hold onto grudges, and I'm terrified he'll do that with me instead of thinking about all the great times we've had and COULD have in the future. I'm stuck and don't know how to get him through this anger and hurt. Please help me. This is not how things should be after two years of amazing times together. Thanks guys.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I hate to say this, but he is going through so much that he is redirecting his anger on you. He might be having some serious problems. I think you need to step back yourself and evaluate what you want in life. A few years back, I was the emotional bombshell your ex is. When you have no control over your emotions and do not understand them, it is difficult to mix them up and take them out on the people that you do not mean to.

    First. He needs to see a health counselor. He is clearly not doing well mentally and could use some help, and unfortunately, you can't do it because he blames you for problems that are not your fault. Next, you might need to find a confidant to start sharing you're feelings with. Break-ups are tough, I have been on both sides. No one wants to get hurt.

    Just relax through the days, keep yourself busy with friends and family, and give him space. Don't call or text, and then a few weeks from now say this.

    "I am sorry and understand things went wrong the last few months, and I blame myself for a lot of it (No explanation needed). I know you are going through a lot and I hope I can be there to help one day. Until then, you know how to reach me."

    Leave it at that, if you go any further he will feel pressured, he is clearly not emotionally stable right now. Being a guy that has been emotionally unstable, it is hard to see the light. It takes months for us to comprehend what is going on, we were not raised to understand emotions, just pack them in till they blow up.

    I know his side all too well, and I have seen yours as well, feel free to ask anything else to me.

    • thank you so much. You just confirmed a million things that have been running through my mind. I really appreciate it.

    • i'd actually really like to talk more with you about what you went through, if you could send me a message some time. Thank you!

    • No problem, headed to the gym now, I'll be back in my office in 2 hours and I will message you, if you are on. (Slow month, I own a real estate brokerage and this is the slowest time)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Sounds like he was going through an extremely rough series of events and you not being there for him (fighting instead) really hurt him and made him believe that your not right for him.

    Give him some space and when the time feels right ask to talk with him in person again. Maybe it's just a phase, and if not, get some closure and try move on.

    • I'm doing my best to give him that space. All my friends say he's not himself right now, and they don't really understand what's going on. I'm trying not to ask around about him, because I'm sure it'll get back to him. I'm just leaving him alone, and I hope he comes around.

      I'm feeling better day by day, but it's still pretty difficult.

      Not only do I still love him, but I miss having him as my best friend. I'm surrounding myself with others to get past it, but it's pretty tough. Thanks

  • if you don't move on and somehow convince him to try again, this is going to happen over and over again.

    Move on! I know it sucks, but you will be a stronger person for it.

    • I do believe this has made me stronger. I'm a strong independent person as it is, and this pain has nothing to do with being in a relationship for the sake of having someone. But I agree I will be stronger after this is over.

      Do you really think it'll just happen over and over? Even if I see what I did wrong, and we have had two great years without this type of issue? If so I'll take that into deep consideration. Thanks!

What Girls Said 1

  • I'm in a similar situation and I'm equally as clueless about how to fix it. However, I've just been trying to be a friend to him and let him come around, but I don't know if he actually will.

    • I tried that, but it always turned into a fight. I've decided to give him the space he's just tough and confusing. People say he's still not acting like himself, and I don't know if that's because we're not together or he's still mad about the whole situation. I think he's going through a depression phase, but he says it's not a phase and I can't get him through it. He has to do it on his own. So I'll suck it up and leave him alone. I hope your situation gets better..

    • I hope yours does too :/ Give him space and let him know you'll be there for him, if that makes sense. That's what I'd do if I were you. Make sure he knows I care and that he can rely on me when he needs me. It's probably going to be a slow process from there on out though...

    • I told him I would always be there for him because I have been the one he always went to for two years. He said he can't talk to me about it when I'm the one who caused what he needs to talk about. So he hasn't come to me for anything...It's been three weeks since the break up and I feel the same. I don't cry anymore, I just feel pain all the time. I focus on friends and school and everything I possibly can to distract myself, but I always feel like I'm in a fog. It's getting better though.