Am I really lesbian..?

Anonymous
Last few months was really confusing,sorry if it will be really long story :D I'm really confused about my oriantation. I had my first boyfriend when I was 15,I liked him,he was kind of romantic,caring,loving,cute,what more could girl want?;D after about a year we started get into arguments because I never said I loved him,kissed him on gave more atention,we were doing it but he was first all the time. We broke up..and I understood I was never attracted to him,I liked talking,having fun together but kissing and even hugging was awkward and useless. I felt really guilty later on..he was very hurt and I was thinking I ruined him..I left like a heartless bit*h I guess...I had crushes on guys all my life,celebrities or boys from school,few was really feminine..but now I think and remember it was not "that crush",I felt really nervous around them and all guys and now I do,actually I often very rude with guys because they annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable,I have nothing on men I even get along with them better than women.. but it never was something more I guess..I think like a man more, and I don't like girlie stuff...but when they pick on me sexualy or just pick on me playful its like my brain reaction to it,when they touch me its like electricity :D its awkward when other girls talk about future and marrying cute guy someday,when I never ever thought about it in my life. First I thought I could be gay when I saw I was checking out girls without even knowing it..maybe its because I found women beautiful and I'm so much more caring around them,Im attracted to them but I always thought it was what all people feel..now I think about it and I see that its strong..and with men I found easy to talk,good friends,but I feel very cold about them..but when I see a handsome guy,I think I have a crush and get exited, I have to rethink it,but again when I think about something more with him,its turn off..sometimes I start to see him as ugly...when girls talk about dating and loving them,kissing it seems stupid because I don't feel that way..Its difficult to find out who I'm 'cuz our town is "society", and I feel like I have to act that way but really its not what I really want,even when I have that crush on guy I can't look at his photos or anything 'cuz I feel stupid,weird,I feel shame,and deep inside its just wrong to me... Again sorry that its so long and what you guys think? ever felt something similar..? I could just try both sides but my experience with that guy I'm afraid I will hurt somebody again and I really don't want to,especially when I actually never been in bed with guy and I don't want to... Please just serious answers :) thank you. :)
Am I really lesbian..?
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