I've cheated on my abuser after he hit me?

I don't have the strength to be alone and leave. I like this other guy but my abuser has me like this. He never listens I'll try to tell him how he makes me feel he will roll his eyes. One day he told me to find someone else I did and the guy started to like me but stopped talking to me when I got back with my abuser. I want him not my abuser but I feel like I'm stuck like I can't leave I don't know what's wrong with me. I kinda want to die. I want this other guy so bad. I wish people would understand but they won't. So here comes the bashing. he has a gun in the house now. If he figured out I'd be dead. I have this fear of him getting abusive and killing me. He hasn't hit me in 2 months. But I'm still scared. I want this other guy so bad. I'm sad. Feel dead inside. The only thing that saved me from not killing myself was kissing this guy. He doesn't know this I wish I could let him know he kinda saved my life. But he doesn't talk to me anymore. And rightfully I understand that. I'm shit of a person for cheating I deserve the emotional abuse I deserve the physical. I was just trying to find a way out but it didn't work. Nobody's gonna save me and I'm not strong enough to save myself. I need someone to help me. That's why I tried talking to this guy not cause I was a cheater ( well I am) but because I NEED help I NEED IT I need someone to love me I'm co dependent I can't break it I've been like that ever since my sister died. I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading.
I've cheated on my abuser after he hit me?
I've cheated on my abuser after he hit me?
I've cheated on my abuser after he hit me?
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