I am scared to fall in love again. My ex is a sensitive topic, I try not to think about him but even though we broke up in 2017, and kept having sex up until 2018, and then got back together and started fixing our relationship only to end abruptly right before the beginning of 2019, I still didn't want to just end our relationship as pathetically as it ended. We had such a hectic relationship but there wasn't a dramatic ending or even a goodbye. I just texted him one day and then called and just never heard from him again. I got ghosted, which hurt like shit. We had shared so many memories and I didn't even get to say goodbye or hear an explaination. This guy had cried in my arms, had held me when I cried in his, had told me his deepest secrets, and laughed with me about everything, and told me he loved me hundreds of times even when we were on bad terms. And then I have this memory of just being dumped in such a pathetic way that I'm embarrassed about. And like, I see videos of people in abusive relationships on social media, girls with black eyes, or girls who are raising their children alone because the fathers are deadbeats. I hear about and even know a few women who get beat up by their boyfriends, whose boyfriends call them names or treat them like garbage. And while my ex ultimately made me feel like garbage in the end, he had always treated me like I was somebody be cared about at the very least and I had treated him the same. He never called me a single name during any argument and even when he was furious at me one night it stuck out to me that while he was mad, he still waited for me to get in the house safely. He wasn't perfect, but he wasn't bad. And so I have this big fear that I won't meet anyone better than him because while nobody is perfect, the best I can do just casually stopped all contact with me like I was nothing. I know that I shouldn't look for happiness in others and I am glad to say I no longer do, but I still dont want to be alone anymore.