I'm having trouble when it comes to comforting women because I tend to be the "problem fixer" and I learnt that it's not what women are looking for when it comes to being comforted. On the other hand, I'm having a hard time just staying there, doing nothing and bringing nothing to the table when they tell me about their problem, I feel like I don't help if I just stand there and listen.
I want to improve this aspect so I can be an even better friend, partner or husband.
It’s called venting. Men do it also but women say about 4x words daily more than men so they vent more. When she vents she isn’t looking for a solution, she just wants to get the details out of her head and venting helps process her stress and frustration.
Your job as friend or more is to listen. This can be accomplished by actively listening (google how to actively listen), you can listen and then make a joke or same something lighthearted after she talked for a while. The important part is not to let any negative feelings she is pushing off affect you. Just let her get it all out and she will feel better just by knowing you listened and respected her. Feel free to intermix questions if you are curious as this let’s her get even more details out. Also important is you can’t tune out because those details may come up in a future conversation.
One technique is before she starts ask if she wants to vent or have you help her solve a problem. Just this question alone helps you know which mode to switch into and she will appreciate your attention and focus on her. You are being helpful just standing there and actively listening (saying uh huh and yes and wow a lot).
Feel free to build her up with a compliment if you think she handed a challenge well or offer encouragement if she feels anxious about something happening again.
This is all just the beginning of EQ (emotional intelligence). Definitely worth googling and learning some of that skill set. Women want to connect to men who have a high EQ and if she feels connected to you emotionally and sees you as a strong emotional man you will have a leg up in the world of relationships.
You are welcome. I knew exactly why you asked that question because I have been feeling the same way you feel. You have some homework but it pays off! Cheers
Depends on the relationship, but usually, they NEED to be touched, and held, and through the holding, feeling something. . . I've had many female friends, and they break up with some D-bag, or whatever, and they just need me, like their Big Brother, someone they trust, and confide in, and I just hold them, and let them talk, and cry, and whatever! It's HER time, and I am just there, caring, loving her. Sometimes she cries herself out, and falls asleep on me, in a slightly uncomfortable position. Takes a few moments, to move, and not wake her, when she finally sleeps, and then my arm feels like normal, again.
Listen. Be there for her. Pay attention to her. Let her know you care, or at least are trying to understand.
That's basically it in nutshell. I'm not really the touchy-feely type so I can't really speak on the physical aspect of being held and such.
But overall it's going to depend on the woman. You'll need to know her to know how to comfort her- For example, when I'm upset, I just want to vent, hit something (or someone), and eat a good meal.
So ideally I'd love a guy that will let me rant and vent to him and listen as he offers me some ice cream and cookies... then drags me out running or to the gym to destress. But that's me, lol.
Once you really know your partner or friend, how you comfort her should come naturally.
Yes, I learnt that women are not that complicated once you understand their "logic", how they work or how differently they see the world compared to men. Honestly, most women are not complicated and the complicated ones usually have big red flags all around them.
Cynicaldreamer: It has take me time to realize, that sometimes a girl just needs to vent. Guys have a tendency to want to fix. That is not what a girl wants most of the time. I'm still in the learning process though, as just listening doesn't come natural. As said, guys like to fix things, including their girl's problems.
@ YHL6965 "Honestly, most women are not complicated and the complicated ones usually have big red flags all around them." You nailed it! Most people think we're so complicated, but most of us want the same thing
@markscott "It has take me time to realize, that sometimes a girl just needs to vent. Guys have a tendency to want to fix... I'm still in the learning process though, as just listening doesn't come natural." Haha, it's okay mark! I mean I think it's great you guys want to help us, but you don't always have to! Most times we just want to vent about our bad days, someone that got on our nerve, something that's bothering us... and we don't expect you to "fix" it, just listen and offer input as need be.
That's it. If it is something you can fix, go for it! But for the most part, we just want a guy that acknowledges us and tries to understand us.
Sit on the sofa/bed and hold her and pat her like a baby. Buy her her favourite food/drink to cheer her up. A lot of females like coffee, chocolates and ice-cream when they are down. Would be great if you could cook her favourite food for her. Buy her something cute and inexpensive such as a stalk of flower and or keychain. Play/sing for her an uplifting song if you can. Ask her what you can do to help. The most important thing is your presence and listening ears.
Oh, it gets worse. Soon, you will not only feel like you're not helping by standing there and listening, but you will also feel that she is not helping by standing there and talking. You will come to realize that the solution could have been implemented before she finished the first sentence, but instead she is on sentence 400 or whatever. And no matter how hard you work to keep her happy, no matter how high you build her perch, she will always find something new to complain about.
This is just the way of things, as it has been probably for the last million years or so. Until recently, it was considered acceptable to quiet a woman down with a "firm hand," but we have fortunately grown out of that sort of barbarism.
However, girls are not "barbarians," either, and are capable of understanding that an assault on your attention span is every bit as torturous as an assault on their bodies. You only need to explain it to them objectively. Don't come out blaming and defensive. Just point out what is natural to you and that listening to problems is decidedly unnatural, requiring tremendous strain.
It's not always best for a person to talk about their problems, esp if it's on a friendly/don't know them well/non-lover basis. Sometimes it's better to put the troubles aside for a while, and talk about other unrelated things. For instance, speaking more abstractly, or about the world, culture, current events, or about someone else, can be better than hyper-focusing on them and oneself. Sometimes those types of conversations will lift the spirit and be better for a person's overall well-being, than forcing someone to talk about things that they don't want to talk about at that time. Also, be extremely careful about throwing in platitudes on extremely complex issues.
Brother... Women are so far beyond our level of intelligence, that you don't wanna know what they know. Emotional intelligence, listening to her. I mean listen until she's released all of her thoughts to you. Kiss her with the calmness and security you have as a man. She'll ask you things if she wants. But you should pray on what God wants you to do to help her. And it may just be to just be. Just be there for her. See women aren't cowardly like men, they tell you how they feel and What they need. Its us men that have the opposite instincts. If u always just follow the Spirit... Then you'll always get the truth, wisdom, and love
It's kinda interesting how different guys and girls are when handling issues, and I remember reading a psychology article about it once.
Guys try to help other guys' problems by giving them suggestions on how to fix their issue, like you said you do.
Girls try to help other girls' problems by listening and sharing stories of their own that relate to the issue at hand. So for example if a girl was having trouble with her boss at work we would be like "oh man I remember I had a similar situation... And I ended up doing this... Etc". That way you're listening and giving advice in a roundabout way so she can take that and then make a decision for herself.
Or the best thing to do can simply be "feel free to tell me, I'm willing to listen".
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Anonymous
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I understand where you are at, I’ve been the same way. It’s a codependency issue, and it’s hard to overcome. It’s actually the real meaning of the nice guy syndrome. Sometimes they just want someone to listen, and you just need to actively listen, but not to be there for them to talk about every problem to all of the time or you will just be a convenience to them. You can’t fix every problem for someone, and if you could, would you really want to spend a relationship always fixing their problems and putting off your own? It’s hard to overcome, and may actually require professional help, but you have to learn to balance your own needs also.
I like when people validate my feelings. Like, tell me I'm right to be angry or sad about this, but that it will be alright! My boyfriend does that too, where he always tries to fix the issue, and he's completely at loss when there isn't a solution. But now he knows what to say and he's like "okay, it's okay, you can cry, i understand," etc. 😊
Being a problem solver is great. You just have to recognize the problem better.
The problem is normally that she feels bad and alone. The solution for her is to feel that you care about and understand her feelings.
So you’re not supposed to just sit there. You’re supposed to make her feel that you hear and understand her emotions. That actually makes her feel better. Then you can feel useful.
Depends on what’s upsetting them. Usually it’s pretty damn comforting knowing that someone they trust is simply there for them, and is willing to help.
Usually yeah. That’s what my friend Piotr did when I was still with my ex boyfriend. He just sat there with me, told me that he’ll do whatever can be done for me, and then just sat there quietly. It was very comforting.
I mean I connect emotionally, I feel the pain and the distress, then I get the desire to make the pain and the problems behind it gone. Therefore, I try to bring solutions to fix them, but I still understand the feelings behind the vent.
That’s good that you can. And I certainly understand the desire to propose solutions. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but here’s an example of my train of thought.
Friend comes to me crying that her husband assaulted her. I recognize that she’s feeling sad, scared and hurt. That makes me want to do something, and it makes me angry. That entails a reaction on him that is not pleasant nor exactly legal.
I see, it's understandable though, I used to react that way too until I realized women were more looking for an "emotional punching bag" to let go of a lot of pain instead of a problem solver.
It all depends on the issue, providing ideas to solving the problem will be good if that's what's needed and its possible. But it might be as simple as listening and showing care and sympathy or a combination.
Its mostly about emotional support, so listening and showing affection is the key. But talk to you girlfriend about it, she will be happy to tell you what she wants and needs from you.
No, seriously don't get sucked into her big sob story and fall for the trap of saying "oh you poor thing!" She has female friends for that bs. You don't deserve to have to deal with that crap. Just let her feel your masculine presence then distract her with an activity. Cook her an awesome meal or go play mini golf for example.
Then she ultimately won't see you as a strong male that knows when a girl is out of line dumping her emotional crap on you. She won't respect you for it and will continue to use you as her emotional tampon in the future.
It is when you fall into her boo hoo emotional storm like her female friends would. Chicks don't want an emotional guy. It shows instability and that when shit gets tough he won't be able to solve problems and stay grounded.
If you and your girlfriend are stuck in a house on fire and she's in a flap, going omg omg omg what do we do, losing your shit like her isn't going to help.
It’s so much easier than you think 👍. Basically you can just relax and make listening noises and hug or say it’s gonna be ok and I’m sorry that sucks and you’re good to go. But some women like problem fixing so just ask.
It depends on the girl. Some just want to be listened to. Some like to be held while they cry. Some like a back rub. It depends. Typically. Just do what feels right. She will likely tell you if she doesn't want go be touched or ask for a hug.
Personally, I just want someone to listen to me. Like I don't want you to tell me where I went wrong or what you would've done if you're in my shoes. Just hug me, and listen to me (^-^)
I just like to be left alone until I’m in a better mood. I don’t mind discussing my issue/s when okay, but when I’m not in a good mood I hate projecting my feelings.
I like problem fixers. I usually feel better when people help me see my problem has a solution, it gives hope. In my opinion that's way better than having someine whisper sweet things in my ear. If however I'm too distressed, a hug won't hurt.
Well, ask if they’re ok, hug them, if they hug you back hold them as tight as they’ll let you, if they’re your friend or S/O make them food or something
You hold her in your arms, and just listen attentively. Dont try and give advice, criticize, nothing like that. Just validate her concerns. Let her know she isn't alone.
Just listen and you will hear what they want you to say, I mean really listen dont pretend to hear, dont interject or interupt them, place your arm/s around them to give them comfort and a feeling of security.
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