I torture myself with this video in order to comfort myself. I know it’s weird but what could I do instead to feel closure?

Anonymous
I have a confession. A few years ago my ex boyfriend who was leading me on to believe that we were much more serious ghosted me after a year and I later came across a video (ironically by pure coincidence) of him on a date with another woman during the time we were together. When I meet somebody new, or somebody that I want to hope it can work with, I go to the girls page and watch that video to remind me not to expect anything. Sometimes I want to block the page and just forget about that situation but I never do. It hurts but it also helps me feel better when things don’t work out. Like I was texting a guy who I was genuinely interested in. One day he stopped texting back. Some time passed and I didn’t attempt to reach out I just tried to wait. And finally after a few days I went back to the video and watched it and I felt immediately comforted by the fact that I already knew not to trust him. Something about watching that video made me feel good about being single and about not trusting anybody. I realize I’m damaged af, but as weird as it sounds, seeing that stupid video gives me closure on all my failed attempts to try again. I haven’t tried many times, and often times I am the one who ends things because I feel I am not ready for something serious. But when I feel hurt or like I need some closure, it helps. I used to be very vocal about how I feel, but after having my feelings taken so lightly it’s extremely hard for me to admit when something hurts me. It’s very hard to open up and tell someone I am confused, sad, or upset by something they did. So instead of talking about it, I choose to just not say anything and try to convince myself into feeling like it’s better to expect the worst. I have tried being optimistic, but that always leads to me getting hurt. Being pessimistic makes me feel comfortable as strange as it sounds
I torture myself with this video in order to comfort myself. I know it’s weird but what could I do instead to feel closure?
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