What is she thinking and how do I respond?

Question

I have a coworker whom I've known for over a decade, before I met my wife. We were emotionally close but we never dated. Despite this, we'd email each other, play pranks, go to lunch, and leave notes for each other. She fell out of my life and disappeared. I lost all contact with her, made new friends, met my now wife, and am blessed with wonderful kids. My coworker recently returned to my workplace and her reintroduction into my life has made things difficult for me, both personally and professionally.

My coworker and I never talk about our feelings - we never did even a decade ago. I don't think it's appropriate, especially given I'm married now and there's zero value in discussing it. I feel like we do a pretty good job keeping things platonic. I introduced my wife to her and they both talk and hang out on occasion.

Things became awkward recently. My coworker surprised me with a gift for a recent holiday. It meant a lot to me. But since then, she's axed me from her life. She avoids me and won’t respond to messages. I visited her cubical and asked if she was feeling okay; because I'm worried about her as I think any friend would be. She said she was busy; but she was very rude. Her behavior continued for weeks. It was hurtful because I’ve come to trust and care about her. I decided to let go. I believe this is the appropriate response from me. I am very friendly when I chance encounter her. I don’t share casual conversations with her as she’s come to expect of me.

I think my avoiding my coworker hurts her in some way. For the first time in months, she came to my office and shared an intimate story with me. I understood the context but it was cryptic to everyone else. It was like going back to our past times together ten years ago. At the end of her story she told me she was thinking of me before leaving. I was embarrassed and confused. Why avoid me and then tell me you’re thinking of me? It makes no sense to me. Does she love me? What's her goal?

Answer 1

Addicted2u

Xper 3

I’m sure there was mutual deep feelings involved and now she resents you. It’s best to cut contact to avoid this escalating further and potentially losing your wonderful life that you’ve created for yourself.

Asker

13 d
She resents me or the situation? I always treat her kindly and would do anything to help her. I don’t see why she’d give me a gift and then alienate me. And then when I respond in a manner which I feel was appropriate she feels hurt and has to tell me I’m in her thoughts. I think someone has trouble letting go.
Addicted2u

13 d
She doesn’t want you to be appropriate, she wants YOU. Women don’t just “let go.” We let things build up. Her emotional bursts are a sign that she’s kept it all bottled inside. Being around you is only going to make it worse. You just need to cut yourself out. She also needs to do everything she possibly can to remove herself.
Asker

12 d
Thanks. It’s tough because it’s at work and we still run into each other whether we want to or not. I don’t talk or message her at work or at home anymore but I learned just stopping all contact causes her to approach me out of some desperate compulsion. I keep conversations short and work related but she’ll intentionally discuss topics that are personal to us. Hence why I’m confused on what to do.
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Addicted2u

12 d
The easiest thing would be for either one of you to change jobs again. Because honestly she’s not going to let things go considering you’ve built a whole life and the time that’s gone by. It seems nothing will dissuade her. What’s going to need to happen is you have a straight up conversation with how you feel and put a nail in the coffin of any ideas she has of you both. Like her little personal stories have got to stop and you need to set stronger boundaries at this point if you want peace. If this was my husband I would not want another woman having this sort of relationship with my husband and thinking it’s okay for her to act this way if she’s got feelings for him.
Addicted2u

12 d
She’s going to need a slap of reality.
Asker

12 d
You're absolutely right. Thanks for your perspective. I guess I just didn't think she had feelings for me, at least not in that way.

Answer 2

Asker

She resents me or the situation? I always treat her kindly and would do anything to help her. I don’t see why she’d give me a gift and then alienate me. And then when I respond in a manner which I feel was appropriate she feels hurt and has to tell me I’m in her thoughts. I think someone has trouble letting go.

Answer 3

Addicted2u

She doesn’t want you to be appropriate, she wants YOU. Women don’t just “let go.” We let things build up. Her emotional bursts are a sign that she’s kept it all bottled inside. Being around you is only going to make it worse. You just need to cut yourself out. She also needs to do everything she possibly can to remove herself.

Answer 4

Asker

Thanks. It’s tough because it’s at work and we still run into each other whether we want to or not. I don’t talk or message her at work or at home anymore but I learned just stopping all contact causes her to approach me out of some desperate compulsion. I keep conversations short and work related but she’ll intentionally discuss topics that are personal to us. Hence why I’m confused on what to do.

Answer 5

Addicted2u

The easiest thing would be for either one of you to change jobs again. Because honestly she’s not going to let things go considering you’ve built a whole life and the time that’s gone by. It seems nothing will dissuade her. What’s going to need to happen is you have a straight up conversation with how you feel and put a nail in the coffin of any ideas she has of you both. Like her little personal stories have got to stop and you need to set stronger boundaries at this point if you want peace. If this was my husband I would not want another woman having this sort of relationship with my husband and thinking it’s okay for her to act this way if she’s got feelings for him.

Answer 6

Addicted2u

She’s going to need a slap of reality.

Answer 7

Asker

You're absolutely right. Thanks for your perspective. I guess I just didn't think she had feelings for me, at least not in that way.

What is she thinking and how do I respond?

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