How can I forgive my ex for hurting me and stop feeling jealous of him?

Question

I’m going to be as transparent as glass right now.
I feel sadness and even jealousy to see my ex in a happy relationship.
He has a girlfriend. She probably makes him happy and I REALLY want to be happy for him but deep down I don’t feel like he deserves it. I feel disgusting to be that spiteful to somebody who I supposedly loved.
There are 2 sides to every story. What happened between us is long and complicated but pretty easy to explain. Without making myself into some kind of helpless victim, I did choose to stay. But that’s because I thought he was a good person. And I compared every action he took against me to the things I had done in my life at one point or another and felt like “who am I to make him out to be some kind of villain when we all make mistakes?” But eventually he did something that hurt so badly that I haven’t been able to emotionally fully recover. Everything he may have done before then -collectively combined- couldn’t even add up to the pain of that one action. I guess what I’m saying is that I simply didn’t expect for him to do that to me. But he did.
I beat myself up trying to search inward to find out what can I fix to be a person who was worth treating better than I had been treated? But I eventually came back empty handed and I realized that he played me because he was not a good person towards me. And the good parts about him-he was saving it up for somebody like his current girlfriend.
the insult is that the woman he cheated on me with isn’t even his current girlfriend. His current is a nice girl. And I know I’m just on the outside looking in but I don’t feel like he deserves a nice girl. For as much as the experienced of being played humbled me and prompted me to try to change-I must admit that I was a nice girl too. So I think, why would you pretend to love me and then hurt me for no other reason that that you didn’t care about my feelings - Only to meet a girl who seems nice but treat her totally different than you treated me?

Updates:

13 d

To make it clear I’m not jealous of his girlfriend. And just so that the information is clear, she isn’t “prettier” than me. She IS pretty, but she doesn’t look that much different from me to be honest. We have the same skin color, build, style, and even similar facial features so her looks don’t stand out from mine. I don’t know her personality but she is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of the woman he cheated on me with and so was I. I can tell she is a good girl-just like I was.

Answer 1

Cherokeehp | 898 opinions shared on Girl's Behavior topic.

Guru

Well I think you should stop assuming that they have a happy relationship. If he was doing shady stuff in your relationship then he’s probably doing shady stuff in his new relationship. I’ve been in your shoes before. I was so pissed that my ex was off happy with someone else. And it made me even angrier that she was just like me. Same skin color, same body shape, same facial features, and same bob hair cut. We didn’t look exactly the same but if you had to describe us it’d be pretty similar. I was wondering for so long why he didn’t want me and what was so special about this other girl who was just like me. Turns out he was cheating on her with multiple people, physically abusing her, and then knocked her up and left her with the baby. What you see may not be the reality of the situation. People don’t change just because they get into new relationships. Cheaters will probably continue to cheat. Liars will most likely continue to lie. Abusers will probably continue to abuse. The fact of the matter is, his actions reflect who he is and not what you are. He didn’t cheat on you or treat you badly because you were inadequate. He did it because he’s a cheater. Stop picking yourself apart. Stop trying to analyze his new relationship. You’ve just got to let it go for your sake. I know it’s easier said than done, but the sooner you start focusing on something else, the better you will feel.

Asker

13 d
Thanks that was well said! I’m surprised you could relate to me as much as you did. I felt so uncomfortable with my feelings because I don’t know any girls who have been through the things I did. So I felt out of place in comparison to “normal” girls. I felt like even when I was trying to get it right, maybe I just couldn’t because maybe I wasn’t good enough. Even though I was pretty, I tried to be a good person, I wasn’t a total mess, and I genuinely loved the guy. The idea that I wasn’t good enough anyway messed me up. Especially since that year was really hard for me because of some bad and unfortunate/uncontrollable circumstances. I just don’t know where to begin. I give up trying to make a new relationship be that new thing to take my mind off of it. I did make plans to get my mind right but the pandemic put most of it on hold so I would be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts and tv shows with characters who, unlike me, were main characters in the Own show -which would just remind me of my feeling of being a secondary character in my own life. So unfortunately it is harder to do for me when I don’t know how to do it. If you could offer me any advice on where to begin I would really appreciate it
Cherokeehp

13 d
When I read your post I thought it was weird how similar our stories were but I figured I could help. It’s sad that you had to go through this, but it’s also nice to know that there’s someone else out there who can relate. I spent countless hours trying to analyze our relationship, and myself, and his new girlfriend and at some point I realized it was all pointless. He was the bad guy, and if he was able to move on and be happy then I should be able to too. I didn’t want to be his victim. I didn’t want to admit that he had shattered me. So I put on a happy face and honestly I sort of forced an evolution within myself. He had hurt me so bad that I figured nothing else could hurt much worse and so I started doing things I’ve never done before. I started doing all the little things I had always been to scared to do. I started dressing how I really wanted to dress. I started doing my make up how I wanted to do it even if it was a little weird. And I stated approaching the guys I liked and it actually turned out to be one of the craziest most exciting phases of my life. You are not a secondary character. You are the main character and every main character needs to hit rock bottom before they come back better than ever. Stories would be boring as hell if the main character never had to fail or suffer. Find the things you want to do and that make you happy and just do them. I know it’s a bit difficult during the pandemic, but just try your best. Trying new things will give you a distraction form ruminating over your ex, but it was also bring positivity into your life and help you develop into the person you want to be.

Answer 2

Asker

Thanks that was well said! I’m surprised you could relate to me as much as you did. I felt so uncomfortable with my feelings because I don’t know any girls who have been through the things I did. So I felt out of place in comparison to “normal” girls. I felt like even when I was trying to get it right, maybe I just couldn’t because maybe I wasn’t good enough. Even though I was pretty, I tried to be a good person, I wasn’t a total mess, and I genuinely loved the guy. The idea that I wasn’t good enough anyway messed me up. Especially since that year was really hard for me because of some bad and unfortunate/uncontrollable circumstances. I just don’t know where to begin. I give up trying to make a new relationship be that new thing to take my mind off of it. I did make plans to get my mind right but the pandemic put most of it on hold so I would be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts and tv shows with characters who, unlike me, were main characters in the Own show -which would just remind me of my feeling of being a secondary character in my own life. So unfortunately it is harder to do for me when I don’t know how to do it. If you could offer me any advice on where to begin I would really appreciate it

Answer 3

Cherokeehp

When I read your post I thought it was weird how similar our stories were but I figured I could help. It’s sad that you had to go through this, but it’s also nice to know that there’s someone else out there who can relate. I spent countless hours trying to analyze our relationship, and myself, and his new girlfriend and at some point I realized it was all pointless. He was the bad guy, and if he was able to move on and be happy then I should be able to too. I didn’t want to be his victim. I didn’t want to admit that he had shattered me. So I put on a happy face and honestly I sort of forced an evolution within myself. He had hurt me so bad that I figured nothing else could hurt much worse and so I started doing things I’ve never done before. I started doing all the little things I had always been to scared to do. I started dressing how I really wanted to dress. I started doing my make up how I wanted to do it even if it was a little weird. And I stated approaching the guys I liked and it actually turned out to be one of the craziest most exciting phases of my life. You are not a secondary character. You are the main character and every main character needs to hit rock bottom before they come back better than ever. Stories would be boring as hell if the main character never had to fail or suffer. Find the things you want to do and that make you happy and just do them. I know it’s a bit difficult during the pandemic, but just try your best. Trying new things will give you a distraction form ruminating over your ex, but it was also bring positivity into your life and help you develop into the person you want to be.

Answer 4

spartan55 | 333 opinions shared on Girl's Behavior topic.

Master

Wow, obsess much? Stop comparing yourself to his new girlfriend. It's bad for your mental health.

Asker

13 d
I think the obsessing or wondering how to resolve the situation is common for people who didn’t feel a resolute ending as accomplished. I looked it up and from what I heard online, it actually is normal for people who have had similar breakups and relationships like mine to have insecurities stemming from the toxic relationship and from the need to explain the events in our life. No excuses, but I do try to meditate to help gather my thoughts. lm still practicing how to do it and I’m a work in progress but aside from that thank you for the advice
Asker

13 d
Like I said, no excuses. These kinds of things happen and I’m learning that I have to steer myself towards changing for he better. It’s easier said than done though. If life wasn’t so complicated it would be easier to cope with feelings. But it is what it is. I’m considering investing in therapy because I suspect my need to rationalize things comes from a place way further back than this relationship but like I said I’m a work in progress. But I’m not ashamed of myself, At least I’m trying
spartan55

13 d
I'm glad you are self aware enough to do that. The one thing related to this that I've learned through relationships is that we don't always get the closure we want, or any at all sometimes. Also, trying to understand why people do the shitty things they do is an exercise in futility. At the end of the day it doesn't matter, knowing why changes nothing.

Answer 5

Asker

I think the obsessing or wondering how to resolve the situation is common for people who didn’t feel a resolute ending as accomplished. I looked it up and from what I heard online, it actually is normal for people who have had similar breakups and relationships like mine to have insecurities stemming from the toxic relationship and from the need to explain the events in our life. No excuses, but I do try to meditate to help gather my thoughts. lm still practicing how to do it and I’m a work in progress but aside from that thank you for the advice

Answer 6

Asker

Like I said, no excuses. These kinds of things happen and I’m learning that I have to steer myself towards changing for he better. It’s easier said than done though. If life wasn’t so complicated it would be easier to cope with feelings. But it is what it is. I’m considering investing in therapy because I suspect my need to rationalize things comes from a place way further back than this relationship but like I said I’m a work in progress. But I’m not ashamed of myself, At least I’m trying

Answer 7

spartan55

I'm glad you are self aware enough to do that. The one thing related to this that I've learned through relationships is that we don't always get the closure we want, or any at all sometimes. Also, trying to understand why people do the shitty things they do is an exercise in futility. At the end of the day it doesn't matter, knowing why changes nothing.

How can I forgive my ex for hurting me and stop feeling jealous of him?

AI Bot Choice

Most Helpful Guy

What Girls & Guys Said

Related myTakes