Does it make me a jerk if I dumped a girl who has major insecurity issues?

- I think the real question is if you can't learn to love for what the point of dating her in the first place? You are still very young but at the end of the day I think she deserves better yeah. You knew us some point that she was going through struggles. She is dealing with trust issues and you breaking up with her pretty much litify some trust issues and he's going to find another guy who's not going to just leave on account of that. If it's making you unhappy then you got to do what you got to do for yourself. But at the end of the day she needs to find somebody who's going to be patient and love her and you can find somebody who doesn't have her issues. But if you ended up with another relationship problem that has nothing to do with your ex, then it says a lot about you and the problem is you and not the girls. If somebody can't respect me because I feel the same way I went wonderful boyfriend in the first place. Is best for you not to date people you know you're not going to like a stick around long enough. I think what it is that you're looking for much of a negative instead of respecting why she feels the way she feels. But she is right. Words are just words. Actions speak louder than words. And sadly your actions show that it doesn't line up with your words.0|00|0Is this still revelant?
The problem is that you are too immature to see what messages she's telling you. She doesn't think you find her pretty because somebody told her she wasn't pretty. She thinks you're mad at her because they were people that were mad at her. She thinks you're lying because she had too many people lie to her. What does that tell you? That doesn't mean you give up that means you work hard to be the person that you know that you are. it's not your job to convince her otherwise. It's your job to respect that this is who she is and the only way she's going to be able to have a healthy outlook is unless you support her. If you could not support her then you just not for her. But you can guarantee she's not going to be involved with anybody anytime soon because you given her more trust issues that she wouldn't needs. That's why you don't just date anybody you can't handle.
It sounds like to me you're dealing with an abuse victim in there for you don't know how to love her. You just need to be honest that you can't love a person that is broken. But there is a reason why you're attracted to her because somewhere deep inside yourself you're also broken. But it does sound like to me you're dumping stuff on her that she doesn't want tell me if a guy feels a need a he needs to call me pretty just to feel good about himself than it if she was not me if I don't accept it the promise probably him. I got told I'm pretty and beautiful and all that stuff would guess what? I don't really need all that stuff just to feel a certain way. Not every girl wants that regardless of her attitude, background, and security, personal beliefs, or personality. Every girl don't need that. Not everybody wants that. There are so many women that want that so why didn't you go after them? If you were with her there's only one reason why if you didn't even go out to those type of girls that likes all that attention and stuff. It's because you knew that she was one of the only few that ever cared and loved you. Now you left a person that loved you but you couldn't provide her of her needs. Her needs is very different than other women. As long as she's not trying to attack you I don't think there was any logical reason for you to leave. But for you too long. And if you keep running away whenever a girl has a problem then you're not going to be able to survive relationship or dating. I wouldn't want to know how you going to survive a marriage.
She deserves better? lol Seriously? She has issues she needs to solve herself. It's not his job to make her not feel insecure, as long as he is not enabling it. I bet you if the tables were turned around and he was the insecure one and needed affirmation, you wouldn't be saying the same thing.
At the end of the day, he can only do so much. He can work on the relationship and tell her its going to be okay and not make her feel insecure.. But if she is just insecure about everything without him trying, it's exhausting, and it's out of his power- Show All Show Less
Everybody can't solve themselves the way you want or expect them. Nobody told him to date her. Just like nobody tells you to marry a person.
Technically he's her boyfriend it is his job and it says not to make her insecure. Personally it really all depends on what type of person he is but at the same time I would not break up with a guy just because he has no problems. Cuz I understand. That's why I believe in being friends first before you start dating. Know what he needs to do is not do all that stuff where he needs to do is respect her. You learn to respect the person and not push you I'd deals on them. And they don't think it's going to be okay then you leave it be. They have to learn and find that out for themselves. You're going about this the wrong way and at that point that's why relationships don't last.The one that's really insecure about it is you. I know for myself if I can't trust who I'm with and I'm the one that has two choices. Either I'm the problem and I need to really fix it. Or, I need to just leave the person and then we go about our separate ways, and be with people that we are compatible with. But I'm not going to leave a person just because of that. There has to be a logical reason as to why I need to leave.
Because you see you're not a woman, you're not a girl, you're not female. You don't know what crap that we got to put up with and go through just like I am not a man I don't know what you may have to put up with. But one thing I could tell you people are always Confident by themselves. They get Confident by being around the right kind of people who are not going to make them feel a certain way. You don't know who she is to make such judgments. I got my own insecurities and things and promised myself. If a guy treated me like that forget about it I would have been glad the person is gone. Cuz that only means the one more capable and is going to be where they need to be. I had so cool guy that tried to put similar aspects on me and I had to make it very clear if they did not respect what I felt at that moment I was not going to be around them. Quite frankly let's just say I am quite happy to let you know I did not regret my decision. The problem is that people like the Asker, get involved with such people not because she's insecure and all that other stuff. But because he's trying to fix people and there's something within him that he himself needs to fix because he has a martyr complex. And then wants to blame the other person for something that they themselves did. Why do you think he's asking doesn't make him a jerk if he has dumped the person who has major insecurity issues? It's because he can't handle it. You can't expect a person to trust you who has trust issues if that person I the one doesn't want to trust you, or two, you keep doing things that make them just trust you in the first place. Again, you can't force people to do something they don't want to do. But at the same time if you can't respect them they'd rather not be with you. Nobody tells you to date them. But don't crap on them either. Usually it's the guy that is chasing after such as girls, then when they get the girl then mad ain't getting to go to the they want or thought they wanted.
Now I don't know who who went and chased. But I can definitely assure you it's probably wasn't her that made the first move. Because girls like that while they may desire to be in a relationship at some point don't put themselves in relationships they see they can't handle. I know because I have plenty of guys even on here try to force me into a relationship that I don't want and then get bitter because I don't want that. And I behave almost certainly as a girl. And it's not meant to be biased but that.
When you get into a relationship you at that point all responsible for that. You are responsible and you are accountable for knowing these things. And if you can't handle it or have these problems than an issue is not who you with the issue is you. I told my friends the same thing that left relationships with God because they couldn't handle their insecurities or whatever problems but Meanwhile my friends had such problems themselves even if they was not as worth as a receiver with. You can't go around judging people for something you yourself have. Everybody got baggage, everybody has insecurities, everybody has some type of problem. But you are responsible for knowing oh, and you are even more responsible for the things that you did not know but you could have known prior. He may be young, and that is true. But if you keep leaving relationship just because of something like that it's going to leave him miserable is that enough he's the one that chose to pick those relationships. That's why I had said she deserves better. Because just like you said. If the roles were reversed and a woman left him for that would he deserve to be treated like that? No. My guess is that somebody treating you like that so now you think it's okay. If you think it's okay for somebody to treat you that way then you're the one that has to fix yourself. It is never okay to do that unless it is a logical reason as to why you need to be away from that person. Such examples is that the person is dabbling illegal activity. When she's dabbling in drugs, when she's dabbling with smoking pot. When she starts stealing, for sleeping around with different men cheating on him, abusing him, then you let me know. Those are logical reasons for leaving a relationship.
Left their relationship with guys*
I suffered from bullying, I've been a victim of abuse, I live with such abuse and dysfunctionality all my life. I dealt with depression, I deal with anxiety, I deal with trust issues, and I still go through it. I got health issues, I have things I still haven't let go yet but I'm still learning to let go, I'm getting my life together. If a man cannot respect that then he don't need to date me. I know how the girl feels I have been through it myself that's why I never dated ever in my life also. But I'm not going to let some man emotionally and psychologically abused me either. And if a man can't deal with me then the issue is probably him not me. I never asked for the problems that I have. I didn't ask to get treated the way I get treated. I didn't have to suffer like this. If you can't learn to love me and appreciate me and understand me then you're not for me. Better to be single then to be in a relationship and your miserable. What's going to happen with you finally games that confidence is going to find her and try to get back with her? That's exactly what since that happened at times. It's only when you're doing better is when other people finally want to start looking your way. I know fake people when I see them. And I'm not getting my heart broken because a guy can't respect me. I would never treat anybody that way give people chances. Why should I get treated even worse? If this is how you people think no wonder why lie to you I'm miserable.Not telling you to get involved with everybody that got issues. But I'm telling you to have better judgment than that. You often are who you attract. But just because you attract certain people that doesn't mean you have to be with those people. In my opinion, he is way too young to be dating in the first place and he needs to build friendships with people first before he even thinks about that. I bet you if he was not already a friend with her, he would have a better understanding on how the best handle it. Most teenage girls and young women are not going to be very confident. You would learn to stand psychology in college if you knew this. I just learned this in my class. Most women don't learn to have that confidence I'm too busy around my 8 or little after 30. Roboto that time mostly men don't want women after that you want to go after younger woman you want to take advantage of. at least I knew that I was not ready to date, but I don't think that anybody who choose to get that upset and easily frustrated with such people are those who have the patience needed, which is one of the qualities you need to have your relationship to be able to maturely handle such relationships. That's not for everybody. You will soon find out that almost Milly everybody in this world if not in the United States alone has some sort of problem. If you cannot handle it your best to stay out of it.
Is when that person is so badly damaged and they're trying to force you to love them is when you got a problem. This girl don't sound like she's trying to force him to love her. She telling him to please give me my space because you're crossing my boundaries. The guys the one that sounds desperate and unhappy. She has her problems yes, when you guys are acting like that and then they get upset and they leave relationship like that, I'm telling you out of personal experience with my own friends relationships is because they're the ones that have something going on with them that they haven't fixed, within their own self. And let me tell you something. It's usually having to do with what's going on at home.
And when a person usually starts behaving negatively towards the person that you leave never done anything wrong to them, that's sometime because they're not happy within themselves somewhere. I'm not saying all, but I know for myself that is usually the case. I have people do that to me and don't even know me from the bottom up. Well I'm going to let such a people judge me knowing that I'm who I am? You know how long to be more confident besides me being around with the right kind of people and loving God? When God had to teach me to stop and listen to what other people thought of me. And I had to listen to more of what did he think of me. Honor and respect who you with regardless of their problems. Everybody has problems. But if you keep running away from relationships because you expected to be perfect in your own way you're not going to be happy. And what makes it worse you should know that many teenagers rush into relationships the first few seconds there being sexually attracted to a person. All it takes is a in 10 seconds do you want to date me, the person said sure, now they didn't each other. So at that point how in the world can you judge?Again, you have to learn to work together. And respect each other. If a guy doesn't want me to hug him I'm not going to force myself on him. If a guy doesn't want me to say certain things I'm not going to say something to upset him. It's just simple. You can't try to love a person you yourself don't really want to love. You are sadly forgetting that we are human and we're not perfect. What's going to happen when he gets married he's going to leave and divorce his wife because he can't handle certain things? When you leave without any logical reason people grow more trust issues and then they stop wanting to dating people ever again. I heard of somebody that my friends was friends with who did just that. He only dated my friend want, Even though it wasn't called for them to be with each other, he never wanted to date any woman again. And he's around our age now. He's that Distraught. Do people have to learn that your actions do hold weight and it does affect other people. To hurt another person just because they're not at the right frame of mind at the moment is not a good thing. Again, as long as they're not so toxic to the point they're deliberately trying to hurt you and abuse you or Gulf of it kill you, learn to work with a person. Otherwise most people that just leave for those reasons are usually not good people to be around with in the first place, and or is usually bitter because in the end they don't love themselves.
What I never understood for my entire life and I still don't understand this now. Why would you try to force relationships with people that you know you already going to hate? When people do with what he just did that's not love. That's hate. And I'll tell you why that becomes hate. Because of that person already hated themselves, and you already hate yourself, how can you expect to love somebody you already hate? If you feel the person have so many problems that is best to leave a relationship so they can get better, you wouldn't be in a relationship that you know you can't handle in the first place. Kids of things that a lot of you people that makes us assumptions seem to forget also. People who deal with that don't expect you to fix them. They expect you to respect them and love them the way how you said you're going to love them. But as long as the person is not leeching off of you oh, you got to still work together. because you've you think everybody's all time going to be so put together, you going to learned a lot of people have their own problems. But once you get into a relationship you went into that relationship knowing the risk. I rather die alone by myself never having to have experienced anyting then to be the cause of someone else's pain and I already have my own.
Most Helpful Girl
- No, you've saved yourself a lot of hassle.
I used to be a very insecure girl - thanks for nothing, abusive narcissistic mother - but after my first relationship, I learned a lot.
Now, I'm much more confident and independent, and I personally feel much better. And I do credit my ex with some of that - if I hadn't reflected on how my insecurity made him unhappy (and likewise how his made me unhappy), I wouldn't have learned to improve. And I had to learn some of those lessons the hard way.
Hopefully the same happens with your ex.
But frankly, your happiness comes first. It doesn't make you a jerk at all to leave a relationship that clearly wasn't healthy - life's gonna have those negatives.
Good on you for identifying what wasn't making you happy in that relationship, and for getting out. Hopefully your next date is more confident - but at least now you know what to avoid!0|11|0Is this still revelant?I enjoyed reading your comment. And very well done on the selfreflecting and becoming a better version of yourself. I've noticed that not many people do so since they rather resort to blaming others than to see their own flaws and improve them. And for that, you have my compliments.
And I agree, it's never a bad idea to distance yourself from people who impact your happiness in a negative way. I'm all for trying to work things out, but if it's a one-sided effort, then it's always best to leave. I've been on the receiving end of toxicity twice (in relationships) and the first time drained me to a point that it took me nearly 2 years to recover.
Most Helpful Guys
- Been there done that. Twice. Let her go. She will only drag you down. I know how you feel, it's mentally and emotionally draining. Leave. For your own health's sake. I stayed with 1 for too long and it nearly took me 2 years to fully recover (even though insecurity wasn't the only factor).
And being with a girl who isn't so insecure, it's far more energizing. And you get to focus both your energies on strengthening the relationship and experiencing it.0|00|0Is this still revelant?Choosing the road to self-preservation from people who will only bring you down is (toxicity) is NEVER you being a jerk. You're NOT obligated to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness to please someone who has to sort out their own issues. So dump her. She has to grow on her own. You can't do it for her.
- In a relationship you're supposed to be there for better or worse. But seems you already dumped her. That probably made her more insecure so getting back together now will only let you end up in an even worse situation.
But mate, u're under 18. Just wait till u're an adult.0|00|0Is this still revelant?
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1620- No. It does not make you a jerk. Although, it depends on how you broke up with her. If you were mean about it then that could make you a jerk, but if you were just like, "Hey it is not working out for me." Then that would be an acceptable response.
Bottom line, It seems like she has a bit of growing up to do, which is okay, but she should figure that out before getting into a relationship.0|00|0 - I used to suffer from the same thing but mine was not as extreme as hers. There could be many reasons why she is like that. Maybe she was abused as a child, or grew up in a toxic family with narcissistic parents. It is not easy to deal with someone like her. It takes years to recover but if she refuses to help herself, I don’t see the point of staying with her.0|00|0
- It depends on how you broke up with her. I hope you told her all of the same things that you did when you were together, that she’s pretty, you liked her etc. And the only issue is you feel like she needs more than you can give her. Unless it wasn’t the only issue, who knows. The point is you guys weren’t compatible in how you expressed yourselfs0|00|0
- Eh no. As someone with a lot of insecurities I know it can be incredibly frustrating. I even annoy myself with how insecure I am. I can definitely relate to your girlfriend, but I also completely understand why you’d wanna leave that relationship. I think you did the right thing. You’re not a jerk.0|00|0
- Nah it doesn’t. She got issues she needs to deal with. She shouldn’t be getting in relationships in her current stage. Insecure people are a constant headache. So high maintenance. It’s gets annoying to be called a liar when you try to be nice and call someone cute or pretty.0|00|0
- No, I had to stop seeing a chick who confided in me that she was sexually taken advantage of after like 2 years of a relationship. That's too heavy for me bro, I can't be a pseudo-therapist to something like that. I just had to navigate the land mines and come up with a way out that wasn't obvious.0|00|0
- Anonymous11 dgood call. u guys r still young so im sure she'll grow out of that in time, but people like that are usually quite self centered - until they learn that being unhappy makes others miserable, and that they've got to get out of their own perspective and into the perspectives of others. she needs to know that she's not the only one who has problems and feels insecure, other people just do a better job at hiding it so that others won't get dragged down with them. it's exhausting being insecure, but it's even more exhausting being around someone who openly displays it and having to put up with their shit. she has to learn from this and grow tf up.0|01|0
- Yeah, it sucks. The girl is probably a real sweetheart. However, I can understand your perspective.
Better to be a friend that can tell her the truth and hurt her feelings, than having to limit your happiness due to her issues.
No, you're not a jerk. Good call.0|10|0 - (I've been with such a girl before)
My personal experience is, (sadly) she could be suffering from some kind of mental depression and possibly (or eventually) need medical help.
Hence, not being cruel, but for your own happiness, break off ASAP. (Mental health is difficult to manage.)
PS: please be very gentle but firm. This act may drive her mad, or never date again.0|10|0I've been with someone who suffered from depression and sadly, it had put me into a depression aswel. Took me nearly 2 years to recover after I broke it off. That's why I always urge people to distance themselves from such people ASAP.
- Dump away!
Emotional basket cases are an impossible handful as many of them actually revel in being labeled as such.
There are many stable females out there who would appreciate the attentions of a decent male: go get 'em!0|00|0 - This is fine. She has to work on herself, and its not your responsibility to bring up her self-esteem, as long as you aren't enabling her.
You guys don't seem to be compatible0|00|0You guys are both young and inexperienced. You're both trying to find out what you want to do with your lives and trying to figure out how to manage your emotions and priorities. It only comes with experience and heartbreak.
You can choose to stay and assure her everything is fine, and do whatever you can, but you can only do much. Only she can change herself and become more confident in herself
- No I mean it’s not ur job to fix people and on a small level lots of us can deal with some issues hardly anyone is without them but this a a major thing you keep coming across.0|00|0
- Not at all, I’m sure it was frustrating to having to be expected to do more than just say words all the time, you weren’t happy in the relationship so you did a good thing ending it.0|00|0
- Well, continue to try to reason with her about it. But if the relationship no longer works for you then you really shouldn't stay with it. Find a way to let her down easy perhaps?0|00|0
- If you have a valid solid reason to break things off with her why not? Just don't be a jerk about it explain and be honest about why you want to end things.0|00|0
- I know how you feel been with girls like that they are annoying asf, dump her but without hurting her feelings she is a human in the end.0|00|0
- Nope.
Honestly, I'd have done the same in your situation.0|00|0 - Anonymous11 dShe mya feel you're out of her league, or juts isn't confident in relationships yet as you guys are young. Its up to you though, if you're really not feeling it no point in leading her on.0|00|0
- Guilt resulting in ending a relationship obviously shows you have a big heart. But more importantly you must ensure that you are taken care of and find a person that is right for YOU! Easier said than done I know...1|00|0
- Anonymous9 dI suggest you should talk to her about these things in a very serious manner. Tell her that you don't appreciate her not taking you seriously etc etc but please be patient. Insecurity issues are no joke. I know unfortunately lol.0|00|0
- Yeah, kinda. But I can also see your side of things a little bit.0|00|0
- Anonymous11 dNo unconditional anything here. Go your separate ways.0|00|0
- You should not be this hard on a girl. Learn to treat her better.0|00|0
- Not if it’s disrupting the relationship. Why is she like that?0|00|0
- Relax it’s your first season. It happens to the best of us... heh heh..0|00|0
- Almost all girls will dump guys anytime for any reason. Therefore, treating her the same way she would treat you if you didn't measure up to her expectations is not being a jerk.0|20|0
This is something I've learned aswel. It's far easier for women to let go of a past relationship compared to men. You can offer a woman the world, but she will complain about not having the stars. That's why I invest no more than what I receive.
@TruthBringer The do appear to go with what they prefer now, rather than how that will affect their relationship in the future. I have had a girl in the middle of a dance on the dance floor to start dancing with someone else without a care in the world about how embarrassing it was to me to be in the middle of a dance floor without a partner. I have had a girl leave with another guy in the middle of date and another that ignored me, her date, to flirt with another guy for most of the duration of a football game. And, of course, if the accept a date but get a better offer, they will take the better offer.
@DWornock I have no words. The disrespect is just too much. Please don't tell me you were paying for the (dinner) dates? I would have walked away without a word if I were in your shoes.
- Anonymous9 dnah man. You don’t need to deal with that shit. If the tables were turned, everyone around her would tell her to drop your ass.0|00|0
- Nope. It just shows you have no patience and that she wasn't that special to you0|00|1
- Nope your not a jerk I wouldn’t want to date an insecure person either1|00|0
- No depends how bad she was getting on your nerves0|00|0
- Anonymous9 dWere you actually in a relationship?0|00|0
- Anonymous11 dNah. Girls are crazy.0|00|0
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