How do I get him to put me his first priority?

My guy whom I've been dating for 2 years now is very stressed lately due to upcoming medical license exam and aside from that, he's worried about his overdue loans. He's been open about his problems. What I don't like is that he's always frustrated. Lately, his car broke down and he was devastated. I've been always there for him, listening and showing support. But he seems to be undermining my needs. I just want a give and take relationship. I have my own problems as well, I'm also going to take the medical license exam next year and got financial problems. But I was able to manage to balance everything and not show my frustrations to him. I feel neglected and not his top most priority. And worse, I feel like he's making his problems an excuse to avoid meeting my needs.
wow, sorry for the late update. I'd like to say thank you to all of you for giving me a great perspective. As a woman, it's hard to understand men sometimes and being distant hurt us women all the time. It's been 4 mos and his situation is becoming worse since his allowance is threatened to be cut off. I'm trying to give him my full understanding though sometimes I do feel insecure and needy. I know it's wrong specially during these times. He's distant and wanted space most of the time..


Most Helpful Guy

  • I get what you're saying, but it's normal for people who have these exams coming up to be VERY stressed about it, especially those who don't test well and struggle. And with his loans being overdue and other money-related problems like his car, he's going to feel like his world is crashing down around him. Guys are used to being responsible for these things on their own, and used to being able to handle that, but things have gotten bad for him, maybe for the first time in his life, and he feels like he is no longer in control, and it's scary and awful for him. It makes him feel diminished as a man, so he's going to feel like he is worth less as a partner to you too.

    All that is going to interfere with his libido and his ability to communicate with you, because he is feeling like he's losing his identity. It's awful, for him and for you.

    The best thing you can do is talk to him about it. Let him know that he is far from being alone, and that the economy is making an already-difficult situation that much harder, and tons of people are right where he is at right now. BUT... they will get through it, and so will he. This is a "gut-check" time in his life, and it's going to be tough, but it will make him much stronger in the end, and hopefully will make him appreciate the successes he earns in the future.

    Be as understanding as you can, and try not to create too much pressure on him, because that will make things worse. Tell him what you want, and what you want to do for him, and let him know that you are there, waiting for him to be ready, and hopefully he will feel the pressure ease a bit and will be able to respond as you want him to.


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What Guys Said 2

  • There will be times in any relationship where needs outside of it will need more attention than the relationship. This will happen to you one day, and you will look back at this moment and go "Oooooooh."

    Back to him, apparently for him financial strength is a priority. So as a supportive partner, while you can't solve his money woes, you can help him plan a budget that helps out during this time.

    Also, considering the medical field, it is quite common that overdue loans get penalized the first year out of school but by your fourth year practicing, you have them paid off.

    So the goal is to get him focused on a budget that shows the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sometimes being a good partner means you have to facilitate those outer worries and needs to get your partner back to where you need them.

    For him, this is one of those times.

  • "I was able to manage to balance everything and not show my frustrations to him."

    Well, good for you.

    I'm sorry, but if your guy is having overwhelming money problems, you're not exactly going to be high on his priority list. If he's being essentially crushed financially, then that's a big problem. You might have been able to balance everything, but that doesn't mean that it's even POSSIBLE for him to do the same.

    You can't understand until you've been in a financial situation that you can't get out of. It's not just the fact that you don't have money for this, or that. It's that your life, and your plans for the future are in jeopardy.

    He's focusing on his problems, and from you yourself have described, they are numerous and stressful. As of this particular moment in time, you're not one of them, but keep this sort of selfish crap up on your end, and you'll soon become one.


What Girls Said 1

  • You will have to sit him down and share your concerns. Sometimes always being the supportive one doesn't help.

    What he is doing is going to breed resentment and come between you. You can tell him, I'll be here for you but tonight, I want to talk about something else. Have set 'date night' where he leaves his troubles at the door. You can't expect him to make you first priority but you can ask him to also listen and be supportive of you. Chances are that he doesn't know he's letting all his frustrations out on you.


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