The "Don't tell me" crowd

You may have seen several questions like this on GAG before - a guy (or girl) has some defect which to them is the absolute worst possible thing in the world. They think it is impossible for anyone to fancy them with this defect, and they angrily ask the world at large, "What can I do?" and it's immediately followed up with a dismissal of virtually everything they could do. "Don't tell me to see a counsellor. Don't tell me to be confident. Don't tell me to go to the gym." etc.. etc.. etc..

Well this week, professional therapist Dan Savage gets a letter from a guy who lost a couple of fingers in an accident. He typifies many of the same guys on GAG, who have a problem, and are angry about it. But don't want to be told that the problem is NOT as big a deal as they are making it out to be.


Dans advice? It's just as harsh as it needs to be, and reflects much of the same advice given on GAG to these people.

"Here's something you can do: Get the f*** over yourself."

What do you think? Is Dan being a douche bag to a poor soul? Or do these guys need an occasional slap of harsh truth?

  • Too harsh! Dan has no idea what the guy is going through!
    Vote A
  • Not harsh enough! These whiners need a firm slap and a kick in the pants!
    Vote B
Select a gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy


Most Helpful Girl

  • there isn't anything that can really be done about them. you can be nice,you can yell-everything will just go back to ''woe is me''. the difference is,when you're nice,you're lying,wasting time,and giving them the message that when they don't want to fix their problems-everyone should just ''comfort'' them. there is no winning,they have to make the decision for themselves.


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • I picked b although I feel that it was harsh enough without being too much. I really can't stand pity parties and people who just want others to feel sorry for them too. Losing your fingers does suck but losing both legs probably suck even more. Dan makes a lot of good points one being how tbe guy is only 19 and basically saying your still young and have many years a head of him to find someone. Part of finding someone is accepting the person you are flaws and all. Taking a risk and know that not everyone is going to like you but know that someone will.


What Guys Said 3

  • With the suicide rates of amputees (of ANY kind and severity) being MUCH higher than your average joe, no matter the financial and otherwise psychological health of the amputee, I don't think this stuff should be taken this lightly or thought about this simply. If he thinks it's gonna be fixed by yelling 'get the f*** over yourself', he is an idiot. Especially for a guy who is otherwise trying to prevent the suicides of bullied gay people.

    Also, he isn't a councillor nor a therapist... He has a BA in theatre, and writes columns. And I will bet he has exactly zero point zero training in any field of psychology, or even any kind of idea of what he is talking about when it comes to real world, researched and verified therapeutic methods of cognitive behavioral change. I mean, this savage love thing's a sex column first and foremost, for crying out loud!

    Then again, this is a text article, and I don't know if he's talking with a somewhat ironic tone of voice or is being totally serious in thinking that using harsh language will somehow magically heal people rather than turn people away from other potential help. Actual help, that is.

    "Hi! I have had bodily and psychological trauma, and negative experiences relating to this sh*t have been building my identity for years now. Can I have some help?"

    "How about this: get the f*** over yourself"

    "Oh thank you so much, I'm totally healed now"

    - said no-one ever

  • Great question. I have noticed this from time to time myself. Honestly, I usually just ignore their request because they clearly just want you to join in on the pity party and proclaim that there is no hope. My favorite ones though are the guys who ask how to get a girl to like me, then they'll follow it up with, as you say, don't tell me to hit the gym, don't tell me to find some confidence, don't tell me to find a job, don't tell me to approach girls, etc. These guys, sorry to say, are usually the most pathetic and usually the least deserving of a girlfriend. Couch philosophers is the name I give to them. They like to theorize all their problems, rationalize why they suck, think about ways to get girls, but they never want to leave their couch to do it. Sad. As for the poll, I wish you had put in a "just right" option because I don't think he needed to be harsher, nor do I think he should have been less harsh.

  • For these people you could not be harsh enough. There is literally no words cruel enough to snap them back into reality because for them it's a double-sided trap that works 100% of the time. So long as you give it attention the trap is sprung:

    If you give them sympathy they will begin to give you venom.

    If you give them venom they will begin to attempt to garner sympathy.

    Vicious cycle too; they always get more victims just by playing the victim.