I HATE my life. It has been nothing but one very long and tiring dissapointment. From when I was a terrible kid, stealing food from my family, getting into such bad tempers that for a month and a half i was sent to (I dont know) Juvy for kids with bad tempers at the age of 10 or so? Then my teen years were completley ruined in 6th and 7th grade when i learned that I can't trust anyone. Then in 8th grade I learned that i have no clue how relationships work and if I were ever to try again i would only dissapoint the other person (I am straight in case you cared). I spent my whole life never having friends for more then a year and a half since my dad was in the military and we moved so often.
I barely remember 9th grade, except for one girl i sorta got close to. My last day before moving I was going to kiss her, so we would both always have a great memory of eachother. I decided it was wrong, I mean to kiss her and move the same day? If she did feel the same as me, she would absolutley hate that. Or so i thought, i found out that summer that she wanted me to kiss her. 10th grade started in maine, at that time I had seen so many bullies, so many idiots, so many different people that i knew exactly how to blend in. I pretended to be a different person in every situation, depending on who was there. I had been practicing this for years but 10th and 11th grade was where i perfected it. If you had looked at me from afar i guess you would say i had a lot of friends, but i didn't care about any of them. In pretending to always be someone else, I lost who i was I guess. Maybe that was a good thing, since i was such a terrible child.
Before 12th grade I moved again, back to wisconsin where i spent 6th and 7th grade completly failing at my life. I was scared as hell, I had never returned to a place after moving away and all the people from those grades were now in my highschool. Luckily almost no one recognized me at first, but then I saw all my old friends, who last i remembered had hated me in 7th grade. Some of them i came to good terms with, pretending again. but I couldn't keep it up, as the semester went on i kept seeing people i remembered. The guy who kicked my ass in 6th grade and i learned i was a weak shit, he didn't remember me. Both girls i had a crush on in 6th and 7th grade. The first in 6th grade, wasn't much to it. I didn't understand these feelings so i told my friend and it ended up the whole school new. Yeah, stupid rumor story, but it taught me never to trust anyone. the girl in 7th grade was different, i had more of a base for liking her. She was smart, cute, hilarious (She talked on the radio every Friday before the weekly song they played in the morning[ they did "Schools out for Summer" at the end of 7th grade]) Wierdly enough her best friend became my old crush from 6th grade. Now seeing her again nearly after 5 years sent chills down my spine, I still remembered the feeling of liking her. We talked briefly, although i can't remember what about, all i do remember is pretending the shit out of it because i was freaking out in my brain.
Probably the luckiest moment in my life was when I learned that i could graduate early, since this school i was at only needed 22 credits tro graduate and i already had 21. I got out as fast as i could. I was finally free, for a moment. Then the priority became a job, and for a year i applied anywhere i could. And for a year I nearly became so depressed I was on the brink of killing myself. I was literally living in my parents basement with no job, no skills, no car. I wasn't going to college, I hate debt and the idea of owing money no matter how much good a college would do. Finally i managed to get a job at a factory in a small town, it lasted a month then i was fired. A few months after that i was hired at a hardware store in the same small town. I was living in my grandmas basement then, Not much of an upgrade, but i was hired in February and all the way to October i lived with my grandma. Thats when i decided to move out into an apartment in a building my stepdad owned. (Not technically my step dad but him and my mom had been engaged for about 10 years living together [my biological parents divorced when i was 2, my mom got with my now step dad, no names will be given. and my dad married my now step mom who i spent most of my life with, the constant moving was with them.]) When i was younger, i kept being asked by doctors if it was because of my parents divorce that i had such a bad temper. I explicitly told them that my parents getting divorced was the best thing that could have happened, At the time it was only because My half brother and my two step brothers were in wisconsin with my mom and step dad. While my little half brother was with dad and my step mom. But now i have an even younger half brother and a half sister. I keep pointing out the half and step because i have no fully related siblings, but i still consider them all real siblings none the less.
So as i am now, I am a 20 year old straight male with no dreams or aspirations of the future. My whole point in life as i see it is to make other people happy, which includes me pretending to be happy everyday im at work. No one can be happy if they see someone else being sad, they start to feel guilty and think they have to do something to help. My daily routine is go to work, come home, repeat. Im starting to get used to it because now i want something to change, like whenever i got used to school the thing that changed was moving. but now i can't move, I barely make enough to live in my apartment alone, $200 left over after all bills every month. Im getting tired of pretending to be happy at work, now if i try to do it I get a terrible head ache at the end of the day. When i'm at home i sit around thinking depressing thoughts like...
"What if woman confessed to me?"
It is obviously a prank, or she lost a bet, or her and her friends want to hurt me for fun.
"what if she was serious?"
WHAT? no, i couldn't let her ruin her life like that. I would only bring her down, she deserves way better then me.
"What if I had sex?"
Oh no...what have i done. I....she is defintley disspointed...i did something wrong. What did i do wrong? What does she think of me now? I bet she regrets it, and hates me!
"what if she doesn't hate you?"
Then she feels guilty, definitley. She just feels bad for me, so to make her stop feeling so bad she did something that she thinks would make me happy. She was wrong, she should have ignored me and did better with someone else.
"What if the old you slips out"
I can't even remember anything from the "old" me other then I was a complete pain. No, i need to keep pretending to be who i have to be to keep up appearences.
As you can tell, 6 years after trying to be in a relationship and quitting, that is still all i think about.
Well, that was all i had on my mind. in all honesty i dont care what you think, i just wanted to tell someone and saying it anonymously was the best way, i can't let people I know know any of this, that would ruin everything I've been playing for the past year. Hell, im getting so depressed that about 2 months ago a dog was hit right behind our store. It was the dog of a customer who comes in every day, i watched him carry it away as it continously yelped in pain. The driver of the car was really upset. I didn't feel anything, i really didn't care and i walked away. Me saying this is in no way proof of feeling guilty if thats what you think. Im just saying this because i dont think its very normal of someone. But I've never seen something like that, what was a supposed to do? How do i care about something like that? I can't pretend if i dont have the basis for understanding the situation. Hell, i ran trials in my head of seeing how i would react to a family member dying. I can only think back to when my grandpa died and i didn't want to go to the wake because i dont like crowds. but i was taken anyways and when I was leaving i asked my grandma why everyone was crying, she said because they were sad. I know that people cry when they are sad, i have done it myself. What i didn't understand is why they were crying over something that was going to happen anyways, and will happen to everyone. thats like crying at a sad part in a movie you have seen 5 times, if you know it is coming, why would you cry? I know i think differently then everyone else, and I've accepted that. and i think I've gotten so numb that the only enjoyment i get now is jacking off to porn. Outside of that, everyhting is complicated, stressful, tiring, and a chore to keep up with.
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Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Even if they can't help you at least you'll have someone to vent to. A lot of people who don't have mental illnesses go to therapy for things like this.
i have thought about it. it would be better then bothering anyone i know since they have there own lives to worry about. but seeing a therapist is expensive, and as i said i only have MAYBE 200 dollars left every month. i dont really think i could afford it. so for now any big stressful thoughts i have built up, ill put here. I can get some honest feed back instead of a therapist who only tells me what they think i want to hear.
This isn't really a MyTake so much as it is a LiveJournal rant.
my take on my life journal rant. How ever you take it.