I was the 22 stone fat kid when i was in school, i had a few friends but would spend all my time outside of school (and later work) playing computer games in my bedroom and working on eating whatever i liked. I did try to "figure" it out at the age of 16 and lost 5 stone, i even got my first girlfriend during that time, but i soon went back into old ways and over the years i been up and down like a yoyo but never quite felt like i looked alright, i still thought of my self as that fat kid. I am super shy i shut down in most social situations, but i learnt to use things in my life as crutches.
I am no Casanova, i dont particularly think i look that attractive, i rate my self as like a 4 or 5, but i was told i was an 8 on here the other day by a guy!.... so along with that and these recent "10 years ago" posts got me thinking about my own transition from how i used to be, to who i am today. I have been diagnosed with multiple autistic traits and have often found myself a bit slower than others to "figure" things out... i usually have to do it my own way first.
I put together a list of what you can do to make the most of who you are based on my experiences, these are things i am still working out now and some things it took me a while to get the hang off... like i said am a bit slow going some times.... it might not be much use... but maybe you will gain one bit of wisdom.
Making a better you
1) Everyone is the same
I wish i knew this when i was in school, but i learnt through years and various media, that everyone is pretty similar in our general thoughts, If your scared to talk to that girl who keeps looking at you, well she is probably thinking the same thing! I saw an interview with a guy who was an explorer and they said to him "you are such a brave person" and he replied that he didn't see him self as brave, he was scared the whole time.
We all like a bit of attention, unless some one is in a bad mood they are very unlikely to not say "hello" back to you when you say hello, if you smile at some one, chances are they will smile back... yes it takes a hell of a lot of courage, but it will surprise you and you will feel better after. Just the other day i accidentally said "hello" to a lady crossing the road as i heard her say something as she crossed, she smiled and said hello back, and then continued the conversation on her phone... doh!
2) Make your self interesting
I am so boring, i mean am writing this thing on a Saturday afternoon, but most other people are pretty dull too, its like the social media "may your life be as wonderful as it is on facebook" thing. But you can improve that. You can get out there and do things and meet new people and it won't cost you a thing. I highly recommend volunteering, it took me outside my comfort zone but once i got over that i found a lovely place i can go where i am appreciated ... and i get to help poor injured animals of all types, like this seal below :) This exact thing got me in a conversation with a lady in a shop just this week. I was at the till making the usual small talk, and then saw a seal on a product and said "oh i have to buy this i love seals..." and that started a long conversation about them where i showed her photos of them and gave her information on where to go. This is just one opportunity i wouldn't have had if i hadn't volunteered. So doing new things makes you more rounded person, it makes people think "wow thats so cool" and you can feel good about what you are doing as well :) ... and we can then hide the fact we are really boring.
3) We are all in this together
I don't really believe any one wakes up in the morning and thinks "i am going to be a dick today". We all have things that happen to use, push us mentally and some times we can't cope, if we encounter people we are not the same person. Understanding this can help you when you are put in a difficult situation, that lady behind the till isn't just being a bitch, she might have a reason she is being like that. Try and accept everyone.
Go with the flow, let the wind take you, say you are stuck in a big long queue... you can choose what to do. Do you get angry, or do you think "oh cool i got a few moments to switch off and chill". Make the most of the moments you do have, if you are with a friend then make some jokes together.
Things change, new things happen... shit happens... life changes all the time, new things pop up... take a deep breath and deal with it. New things will happen
Thats just the way it is... yeah that guys tail gating you, what a dick right? ... well sure you can do what you like to teach him to not do it, but you know what, he will do it again, its who he is, its just the way it is... just accept people like him exist, take a deep breath and get on with your life, you are in control.
Way you dress
1) Don't fixate on one item
i seen many posts about people saying "I hate my ....it makes me ugly" or "Should i buy this item..." Its an easy trap to obsess that its just 1 item or change you need to suddenly look cool. Quite often i see large guys with trench coats or a weird hat and i wonder if they brought it because it looks cool on Keanu Reaves so it must look good on me. We often see stuff other people wear and think "i want to look like that", but it takes a big change or multiple things to make it happen, and even after that you might not have the physique to pull it off. You need to work with what you have. Us men are quite lucky in that we can grow a beard and suddenly look a lot better, when i was a kid only creepy men had beards, but they are back in now, so embrace this freebie. Without a beard i look like a 12 year old boy, i ain't loosing mine any time soon
2) Make the most of what you have
I started to run after that photo, at first i couldn't get down the road without dying, but in a year i was able to run a 1/2 marathon, it did wonders for my health. I started to eat better too and became a vegetarian later on. But i couldn't have done it all in one go, i didn't loose much weight when i first started running as trying to run was using all my will power. I find your ability to do things is like a cup of water, you use a bit each time you want to try and do something, so loosing weight, dealing with a stressful event, giving up smoking, learning to run... its all requires some amount and running was using up all mine for a while, once running was sorted and easy to do i moved onto loosing weight with my food and eating less.
So running gave me really nice legs, but my upper body is bad, i have 2 x 100lb (50kg) rotty crosses and even when they see a cat i can stop them!... but i still lack the arms of Chris Hemsworth... and i can't be bothered to do that, its not me, i am not the type of guy to sit in a gym pumping iron. So i just wear jackets a lot, it helps me out. So find items that make you look better than you are, wonder bras were doing it for women for years! ... hey men even have similar you can get for help down below... if its there, use it if it makes you feel more confident in your appearance.
3) Experiment
Back when that lovely photo was taken i asked a female friend of mine about if she thought a beard would look good on me, she said no... and so i didn't bother... a few years later i watched SOA, got a man crush on Opie and started to grow a beard. I then started wearing different jeans and tops and wore a beanie, adopted that look for a while and it worked out for me. The first time in my life a girl (waitress) started chatting to me. I was on a work night out and she started talking to me about my t-shirt and then asked if i liked Anime... later on i went to the bar and as i was about to be served she shooed the fella aside and served me instead... i saw her a few times after that and she chatted to me, i had a girlfriend and so that was it, but it left me thinking "wow" as never before had a girl approached me like this.
4) Wear what you are comfortable with and what is you
You do need to push your comfort zone, but don't wear something that just is not you, you will struggle with the confidence to wear it. My example is jeans, my girlfriend suggested skinny jeans, i hate the darn things and always have, they look good on 0.0001% of men. I When i started to refine my look from beanie stage (above) i had just lost a load more weight and wanted to buy nice clothes, i had nice legs from being super fat and running for so many years (like my legs are my best part). I tried skinny jeans and hated them, so then i tried slim jeans, and they were perfect, they compliment my figure and i even went for ripped ones... this took a bit of effort as i never liked ripped jeans when i was growing up in the 90s, but i found a pair i loved and although.. yeah i had brought them, i felt i could justify it as i grew up in the 90s, i am a metal head and these are only subtly ripps.. and why the fuck not...
5) Find your style
So feeding off from the above, find something that is you and works for you. Yes i know "western" style is in, but i always wanted to dress like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit, it was a film that i used to watch with my father, so it means something to me. After i got my self down to 12 stone (10 lost since day 1) i treated my self to an "expensive" bit of clothing, i got my self a denim western shirt, it was about £50, which at the time was a lot for me to spend on one item of clothing, i was always a £2 t-shirt type of guy. But i put it on and just grinned... after that i started buying Denim Jackets, nice shirts and other items, i ended up building a western/grunge look that worked for me. I love Country Music and i love Rock/Metal, it felt like me and i was confident in being this person, i grew up with all these films and i had the body to pull off that style.
5) Refine and Adapt
So this goes in hand with experiment, but once you feel comfortable, keep trying, i just recently got the cardigan in the top photo, its the same one from "The Big Lebowski", i got it because i liked the look and because Jeff Bridges wore it and he is a big beardy guy like me. It was a risk but it worked, and since i have brought another one. I am constantly trying new things, i found dark colours work well with me, but that outfit was the best "light" one i have been able to come up with, i was also experimenting with red and found that red works wonders for me. Some things dont work, i have a couple of items now that i not worn more than a few times, its a shame, but i can donate those to friends or to charity if i decide to part with them one day.
6) Find a friend
You can work all this out by your self, but it really helps to have some one who isn't afraid to say "dude... no... seriously" If they are of the opposite sex it really helps, i am fortunate to have a couple of female friends and a cousin i can send pics too or try clothes on in front of and they can be honest with me, its good to have a few, as my cousin has a completely different style to the others i also value her views... so similar to the beard thing, what one likes, another might not.... this will also help stopping you buy that trench coat.
7) Posture
Learn to stand tall and be proud of who you are... i struggle with this one and have done for years, but i am getting there...
You are better than you think :)
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