Guys, why does he keep on reaching out to his exes and high school friend (girl)?

When we were in a relationship I caught him with a secret Facebook account messaging his ex that he missed her. So I broke up with him. I had also found out that everytime me and him fought he would shit talk me to some girl from high school that he knew. I couldn't take it anymore believing that he is supposed to have my back and not down talk to me to random girls. When we broke up he cried and told me how he was so wrong for flirting with girls online and he was a changed person. I told him he's still friends with these girls who either he reached out to or the girl that tried to interfere in our relationship so that means he can't really be serious about us. So about 8 months later I allowed him to try to be friends with me again once he proved to me as best as he could that he was no longer in touch with them. During this period of hanging out we had an argument and decided space was best because things were just turning into the old unhealthy relationship ways and we needed to put distance to ensure nothing ruined what we were trying to fix. What does he do? He goes ahead and gets back in touch with his ex and that girl that tried to interfere in our relationship. When I found out I told him to not contact me again cause I don't respect him and said that he is not the type man I'm looking for and his character is not good. He stated how he felt we were supposed to be together and even his family feels that we are meant to be together. I told him not to contact me again and left feeling fine however, I don't understand why he would reach out to girls that he knows will permanently push me away and then cry about it? Why do the one thing that I won't tolerate? Obviously he had no respect and didn't really change. But why tell me that I'm wrong and that we are meant to be together when it's his actions that say otherwise?

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  • You were right to break it off, but there is a fundamental behavioral pattern that we psychologists know: past behaviors are the best predictors of the future. Humans usually only change after dramatic or traumatic experiences. I wasn't surprised that he continued to stay in contact with the other girls. Additionally, apart from psychological profiling, look towards a man's career. It's usually a good indicator of a balanced psyche. The fact that he is struggling to even find a full time job is a red flag. There are multiple reasons why he would stay in contact with the girls: does not know what he wants, impulsive, manipulative, or even perhaps does not take responsibility for his actions. In all honesty, I believe it's all 4. The fact he cannot maintain a full time job implies he is more about NOW and not thinking about the consequences of his actions. Understand, if a relationship does not work out the first time, odds are it will not work out a second time...

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    • Very interesting. Lots of you guys are saying things that really are clicking. He must be thinking only about the NOW because in my early 30's I am trying to establish security for the future and he doesn't realize we're getting older. More stability and savings are important. He lives like he's still 16 with a whole lifetime ahead of him. Not to mention he smokes pot all the time and makes excuses of why no one will hire him full time. And he's picky about which jobs he applies for even though he needs the money and has to live at home with his Mom when he's 32 years old.

    • Smokes pot all day? Makes excuses? Lives with mom at the age of 32? Don't like to judge unless I have too, but there's really no need to say more lol...

    • :) Yea I almost forgot about those issues I had too. I am over him but I guess my ego was just hurt that he would give these other girls attention when he had me.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Because he's manipulative and abusive. He doesn't want to treat you right but isn't willing to let you go. Move on

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    • Thank you. You're right. I did feel manipulated and emotionally and mentally abused in the relationship but thought since he seemed like such a gentleman in so many ways that maybe I was confused. I have moved and he's been good on not contacting me. It's been only a month but I guess I just wanted a guys perspective so I can continue to heal and ensure I don't mess up again with any guys I date in the future.

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    • Thank you. I know it seems weird but hearing positive things from a guy is nice. I like to consider myself strong but sometimes it helps to have reassurance :) I have decided to take a break on anything serious for at least 4 months and go from there.

    • Anytime you need to talk, I'll listen :-) life is meant to be happy... be that & don't let anyone get in the way

  • he is inseure and needs reinforcement from old friends when you are in conflict

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    • That was one of the problems in our relationship. I always felt like the man in the relationship because I have my career and everything together and he is always struggling to even find a full time job. Still I won't allow that to be a reason to stay with him. I can't be with someone who is so insecure that cheats on me and increases my insecurity when he's supposed to be a man and make me feel like a queen.

  • He wants to have them on the side.

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    • That's terrible. I don't understand why. I'm not a conceited person but I am definitely more beautiful than these girls and more educated and well off. Plus him and I were supposed to have a same spiritual connection since we believe in the same things so why go for less? So confusing. But even if just having them on the side is necessary then of course I'd rather be single.

    • Sometimes a bit of rough is good, from a selfish male perspective. I won't sugar coat the tree, some people are assholes and do what pleases them. It's good you recognize you're better than them though, stay self aware!

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