Why doesn't my boyfriend like gifts?

so i'm not rich or anything, actually , i never really have money lol but when i do finally get paid and i go somewhere and see things that my boyfriend might like i get them for him, and of course on holidays Valentine's, Christmas, etc i buy him stuff, me and him are the exact opposite, i come from rags he comes from riches.. but he's in college right now and doesn't have a job, at first i assumed he was just being an asshole when he wouldn't buy me stuff, but i'm not really a person who expects gifts and stuff, when i buy him things it's not because i want something back, but because i want to see him happy , even small things like his favorite candy, just to see a smile, well , on Valentine's i got him these plushies that were a bit expensive and he liked them yeah , but he was very bummed out, so he just kind of stopped and told me "look the reason i haven't gotten you anything isn't because i don''t want to.. but i'm just really short on money right now" and that made me feel like shit because sometimes i joke around with him like on Valentine's "i want flowers and candy and a giant bear and a car " JOKINGLY. is it a pride thing? should i stop buying him stuff? he just gets so depressed when i try and do anything for him, when i'm sapossed to be there for him? what do i do?

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1021

Most Helpful Guy

  • You should talk to him about your feelings :p And maybe before that, you should google 'languages of love.' (or you can do it with him!) It's not the one true way things work, but it gives you a good framework for a discussion about how you show affection, and what sorts of affection you like to get.

    I don't know if I would feel comfortable getting things, but... if I knew that's how my gf liked to show affection to me, I'd accept it. I might make sure to direct her to things I particularly like ;) So talk to him. Let him know it's a way of saying "I like you :)" Let him know that it's okay if he shows affection to you in other ways.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes I can see how this Q might be so embarrassing one would have to go ANON to ask it... oh, brother... well, my defensive mode is to follow suit. ugh

    He's a guy that's USED to gifts past and has found them lacking, a waste of money, mostly NOT what he wants and often a substitute for love. So if HE buys YOU something, it's really nothing to him. However when YOU buy HIM something, it only some big deal for you, a sacrifice, an act of love... that he will never get due to his past conditioning.

    Since you are like me... a thoughtful gift giver... and this does = love thoughts, then with this guy, those items must be less expensive (easier to match in return or dismiss) and selected only on trails of love, thoughtfulness.

    Think simple daily "vacations" as best "gifts"
    e. g. muscles hurting = massage
    thirsty = new thoughtful refreshment with his favs
    etc.

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What Guys Said 20

  • I strongly suspect this is a maturity issue, not a monetary issue. You mentioned that you come from 'rags' while he comes from 'riches'. So it does seem odd he has trouble affording small affordable gifts.
    I am aware he is at college, and I know all college students are poor (some things never change).
    However I'm sure he enjoys his time at college if he's away at school. Probably has enough money to go to frat parties.

    He may not know how to graciously say 'Thank you', or how to be grateful for a gift. Back when I was in college I couldn't afford Christmas gifts for everyone and that just killed me inside. Especially when everyone else was doting me with gifts. Few things hurt your pride more than showing up at Yuletide with no gifts to give. However I attribute that to my own lack of maturity at that time. Money management was my problem, and learning how to be more thoughtful (like you!) would have made me make ends meet. I also realized that my parents and friends did this out of love, not expecting anything in return. I know this is why you do these things.

    I'm always impressed by individuals like yourself who can thrive on a shoestring budget yet find gifts for everyone. If you like your boyfriend and if this is the only issue irritating you, I would still say you're pretty lucky. Keep him for now and tone down the gift giving to just birthdays and holidays.

    I do hope your bf gets on track and realizes what a benevolent young woman he is dating and that a simple card and flower are not that expensive, and small simple gifts say much more than words.
    😉

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  • There was an episode of the Big Bang Theory that kind of touched on this. It was the Christmas episode. Penny got a present for Sheldon and he gets upset about it saying, "I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation."

    I think that pretty much sums it up. Whether they can afford a gift in return or not it still makes them feel obligated to give you something in return.

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  • It sounds to me like you express love by buying gifts. That's all well and good, but if you want to express love for him there may be other ways you can do so. But will have an impact on him.

    Ask him what things you've done in the past that have truly made him feel loved. Go with those answers and heap that stuff on him. Good luck!

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  • I hemmaklubb she with the comments here. Good feedback

    I'd like to add that some people (including myself) hate getting and giving gifts. I don't know what to buy, I am always feeling they are inadequate and I feel that I must show appreciation for the gifts that I get... And I generally don't.

    It's really a burden. In your boyfriend's situation I would feel quite cornered and at unease

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  • It a two way street. If you keep buying him stuff and he never return the favor, STOP doing it!

    He is college-broke with no jobs, and right now he can't buy you anything that he feel is worthy as a gift. So stop giving him stuff that would only make him feel bad.

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  • A lot of guys don't like gifts and the most prevalent theory is that it's based on the biology of men to provide and protect. If a women is providing more than he is, in some cases for some men who are particularly high in testosterone, they feel dominated and pushed out of their role. But that isn't every guy. It's actually a pretty small pool.

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  • Try matching his level. He's in college, so not a lot of spending money, so he feels bad that he can't buy you things when you buy things for him. It's a pride thing and on some level it's kinda dumb, but it is totally understandable. So do things that he can reciprocate. He may not be able to buy things, but he can do things with you and for you.

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  • Insecurities. He feel bad that he couldnt give u anything in return so the guilts building up inside him. Reassure hom that everything is fone as long as ur with him and seeing that smile on his face everytime. 🌹

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  • He knows your short on money, he knows your pressuring yourself to buy him something.. it will make him fall for you more but on the same time stress out because you keep pressuring yourself to make him happy and no guy wants their girl be pressured.

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  • You know that feeling " and that made me feel like shit"
    yeah that's what he feels everytime you buy him something.

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  • I don't thing gifts can buy love. But they can definitely maintain love...

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  • It awkwardly puts him in a position to feel the need to reciprocate.

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  • buy your man practical gifts not thotfull ones

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  • I personally don't like gifts. I'd rather not give or receive them from my girlfriend.

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  • Try giving him a flashlight… not the normal ones 😉🔦

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  • If i was him i would feel like a total looser knowing that my girl is giving me gifts instead of the other way around... he should be at least making an effort by getting a part time job... but he's probably to lazy, because i would do anything so i would have enough to at least pay for my girls food or take her to the movies... part of being a man is taking comfort in knowing that you can take care of your woman

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  • Because not every gift are truly free. That's what the old people say.

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  • My ex bought me some gifts I didn't like what she did bcoz her gifts was expensive and she need that money I accept her gifts but I told her dont do it again buy me sample thing

    Personally I dont like a girl spend her money for me while she need it more

    Sample gift is fine

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  • A coule of thngs... Guys dont think about giving gifts a lot... It is more important to a girl so a guy forgets, second, as someone who would be considered rich... I can tell you we dont buy gifts much in the big holidays because we can have what we want when we want, and lastly, if his family does have money but not him necessarily... He may be embarrassed about it, even if he buys you gifts with family money as it isn't really his momey... I dont let my kids work at college because I want them to focus on school so that , ay be his case as well.

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  • He dont want you to spend money, he is taking care of you

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What Girls Said 9

  • Yes you should stop buying.

    You like to shower your loved one with gifts and be like "i earnt this money but I spend it on you". You're selfless. Like me, I'm similar.

    It's not a pride thing, it's a manners thing. Regardless whether you appreciate the holiday, most people humour their partner on Valentine's Day. Eventually, you do become annoyed with the fact your partner doesn't share your values. I used to have it with my ex - I hated the barely put thought into anything.

    Unless he has a real reason for not spending on you (like if he earnt bugger all, and just couldn't, that's different), I wouldn't spend on him. Show him the same behaviour. After all, why should he reap the benefits?

    I'm "real short on money right now." I live off £300/$461.93 a month. And out of that money, I can't afford to pay my boyfriend back for any rent/food/bills etc. But I buy him a shopping trip or a little gift when I can. A bar of chocolate isn't expensive but shows I'm thinking of him. It's not what you give, it's the thought behind it.
    Aka. His excuse is bullshit.

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  • he worried about your financial, he don't want you to burden yourself to buy him expensive gifts as he know, you works for the money. Just stop giving him gift like that, if you're relly want to give him something, just give something handmade - cooking, baking, or song? something free but thoughtful is enough

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  • If it makes him feel uncomfortable stop buying him gifts. If you feel like it's necessary to get him something for holidays maybe bake him something or make him his favorite food.

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  • Stop buying him things. He doesn't want it because it obligates him to buy things for you back and he can't afford to do that not having a job right now.

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  • It's possible that he feels like a burden. I think you should talk to him and explain that giving him gifts makes you feel good, and that you don't think less of him.

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  • Maybe he is testing you!. Seeing if you will hang around for just him!.

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  • I think it is a pride thing as you said. I would space out the stuff you give him so he doesn't feel bad that he can't get you anything all the time

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  • He might be expecting 'certain types' of gifts. If you know what I mean

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  • You're making him feel guilty is the problem, gurl stop yourself!!

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