Why do nice guys never get anywhere?

Just curious.

Why do nice guys never get anywhere?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Omg, he’s cute, but I disagree—a real nice guy does get a good girl

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow, you just asked the #1 question on GaG.

    Your premise is incorrect. I work in a whole building full of nice people who are doing very well. The guys in my group are easy to get along with and they all have beautiful girlfriends.

    Usually the guys who ask this question really aren't very nice at all, and don't have much idea what "nice" even means. It's usually socially awkward guys who don't know how to make friends and just end up making cold approaches to strange women. They ask for a date after a minute of small talk and can't understand why women turn them down.

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    • Enlighten thank you I been through hell and back but always try to put others before me I been working from age 10 and I'm 26 now I been dragged through the mud so many times but keep standing. Anyways thank you for your in put I will take that to heart I am a bit awkward in talking with people, something I been working on lately.

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    • @BeMeanToGirls Cut my dick off? After three dates they invariably were taking me home with them and raving about the sex. Why? I LISTENED to them when they talked, and paid attention to them during sex.

    • I think most people start out easy to get along with. I know I did. But if life kicks the crap out of you often enough, your hope dies a slow death. And you're left lonely and bitter. Which you are then reminded is unattractive. And on it goes.

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What Girls Said 40

  • Because nice guys think ass-kissing is the only trait they need to have to get a woman. News flash: our family is nice, our friends are nice, you being nice is something people come to expect. It isn't this amazing, unique trait that separates you from other people: most decent people are nice. Congrats, you're like 90 per cent of the population that girls interact with.

    As well, I notice they act like long term friends and fall into the friendzone, then act shocked when a woman isn't sexually or intimately interested.

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    • Yes, the first paragraph shows strength. And isn't it all true? But what you may not know is that most guys learn this fact--the fact that his neighbor is just as nice as he. Thus he learns he's nothing special in terms of being nice, and gives up the pretense, "I have a lot of unseen characteristics [being a nice guy] to offer a woman. I'm special!"
      Your second paragraph needs help. Wouldn't you not agree that the guy never pursued the gal because the gal revealed non-verbally that she isn't interested? After all, had she shown interest, there would have been romantic involvement.

  • Because being "nice" does not make you special. A guy complaining about how "nice guys come last" raises major red flags for me. Just because you are nice doesn't mean you deserve anything special or that you automatically gain the romantic interest of the hottest girl around. You're fulfilling basic criteria to be a decent human being. Congratulations, you reached the starting line.

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    • Lol I love it

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    • @HikerDude you wouldn’t be laughing out loud in real life you pussy

  • Guys, you need to understand that most girls who like assholes are assholes themselves. The fact is that the majority of girls are jealous, greedy little cunts who are either at your feet or at your throat. Good girls are as rare as good guys.

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    • 100% correct

    • True. Do you know what's interesting? Many of the guys here are getting super defensive on the opinions that they disagree with, yet they're the ones who claim that the women on GaG are "weak" and "in need of validation"... 🤔 I guess it takes one to know one. Haha.

  • Because you have trouble reaching out to girls, you leave it to the girls to reach out to you. Now I'm not saying girls never should approach guys (I'm doing it all the time), but in nowadays society it's still more acceptable for girls to only hint at guys for them to approach the girls. If the nice guys don't do it, the bad guys certainly will (oh they will!) and they'll beat you

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    • Bad boys will beat us how, exactly? Just by the virtue of being a bad boy? Of course. That's why I will always insist that the nice guy (not the fake type) train himself to become a bad boy. I likewise always warn that training himself how to show disrespect--bordering on contempt--towards the woman who loves him is the hardest thing he'll have to train himself to do. There will be many failures along the way as he learns how to dish out the abuse (but fortunately, the profuse apologies that follow come easily to him--not so with the real bad boy). But, in the end, when he's hollerin' at all them bitches to fuck off because they all now want to marry him even after telling them he can only handle 10 stupid bitches at a time, he will have me to thank.

    • Yeah you are 100% correct. I learned and I'm growing out of not approaching

  • Maybe a dating coach could help you? Or some books on emotional intelligence? Or having more friends who are women and can tell you what you are doing in your life that might be turning women off. Also have the same expectations for yourself as you do for the woman. Don't expect a 10 to fall for you if you never hit the gym and eat pizza for all three meals. Don't expect an intelligent woman with drive if you work at a drive through and aren't making steps to advance in your career.

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  • Depends. Actual nice guys don’t go out of their way to say “bUt bAby iM a NiCe GuY!2!1” because real nice men are just that way and know that you should be that way and that you shouldn’t expect anything from being nice alone. But the reddit type of nice guys... those are the annoying type who say hi to a girl and get angry when the girl doesn’t wanna fuck him

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  • Okay, i’ve Said this before, so this is verbatim, but it’s an important topic to me because I think a lot of people are sending guys on a wild goose chase.

    There's a difference between a nice guy and a good man. Be an upstanding citizen, give charity, be nice to children, have honor; work on your own future success, and don't let people push you around, even if it's a woman (even if you like her). I'm not saying every girl is going to love you, at all, but a good woman will. Maybe she's one in a million and you'll never meet her, at least you're a good and successful person, but if you do, and you like her, you have gotten to skip over all the trash out there searching in vain for "the nice guy." You'll skip over all the feminists, activists, she-men, liars, cheats, thieves, unfaithful, and you name it, and the power will still be yours to say no if you please. Don't be a nice guy. That's a lie. Be a good man, because even without a woman, that's still worth something. Amongst other men, in society, within yourself, that's worth something.

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    • well said

    • Somehow I think people don't realize that the phrase "1 In a million is worthless nowadays" we are almost 8 billion people in the world… to say 1 in a million, is the same to say there are 8000 thousand people more that are like you…, about that and about the rest, I'm not sure to agree totally

    • @achezc I’m pretty sure that out of a million people we can all find one we’d be willing to settle on which is why I said that. The chances of us ever meeting more than a million people is very very low so I still think it’s a valid number contextually.

  • Nice Guys (TM) are not actually nice.

    Genuine, good men go places, and get good things in their lives.

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    • not necessarily. neuroticism, cowardice, autism are some things that might keep some decent human beings behind in comparison to what society PERCEIVES as "success". that doesn't make them any less humane. your judgmental, high expectations attitude leads nowhere

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    • ok cool with that

    • This is a lie, all you are doing is spreading false expectations

      Genuine good men only get good things if they want to make good things happen for themselves. Sometimes yes it's possible to get good things outside BUT DON'T EXPECT IT.

      Genuine good men attract BAD things people with problems and issues that want to cling on to this certain person because they believe they will feel better. Do NOT TRY TO FULLY COMMIT IN HANDING PEOPLES PROBLEMS to Help them get better because THey will drain the HELL out of you.

  • 2 versions of nice guys my dood. 1) Because in reality, the people who vocally tell others that they are "nice"... aren't really that nice. True nice people don't expect anything in return like sex (unlike the ones on r/NiceGuys). Next thing you know, they call themselves a supreme gentlemen.
    2) To the true nice people, you've heard girls and guys say it all the time: "personality". Being nice... should be like a basic, expected thing. Like the default when you're in a character selecting screen. That's like any movie is good because it has a movie title. I'm sure when people are attracted to someone, their response isn't just "he's nice". You gotta have more to offer to the table than being nice. (That or maybe you're just going after the wrong type of women)

    To the people who are saying "wow thats incorrect. I know nice guys thay have girlfriends !" That's because they're MORE than just nice guys. Hey, that's not just a nice guy: that's Joe, the guy who goes around motivating people with small letters, likes cartoons, and a good influence in your life. That's not just a nice guy: that's Jack, the clown of the class that dreams of being a doctor, makes you laugh in your dark days, and likes coin collecting.

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  • some of them are indeed decent humans but they tend to score high in NEUROTICISM. ask any therapist with years of experience. high neuroticism equals usually not handling social and opposite sex pressure, easy irritability, easy withdrawal in one's self, low assertiveness, low charisma, being too much in your head and self image focused etc

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    • so its a combination of poor social skills, certain quirks or conditions, and low spirituality i would add.

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    • @jaidee yeah high intelligence and too square logic /analytical thinking is a hindrance. you have to learn to get in state and not overthink. to be aloof. and to learn the subconscious body language. 90% is non verbal communication.

    • also too high empathy and emotional sensitivity. too low cunning. and too low dark triad characteristics are aften a hindrance in social situations. thats why Christ said the real christian can't succumb to the spirit of this world i think... . you can't be an exceptional secular and an exceptional christian as you can't be a comunist and a patriot.

  • Because there are no real nice guys. Just wolves dressed in lamb skin. I don't care how many hypocrites come on here and tell me I'm wrong. The guys that you think are the nicest are usually the worst and most heartbreaking people you'll meet. With mean guys or bad guys you know what you're getting, they're also very sexy so yeah that's why they get the girl. That's why nice guys don't get anywhere.

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  • A truly nice guys get a nice girls but unfortunately a lot of guys are only nice to girls they want to sleep with who usually have massive egos because a lot of guys are nice to her for the same reason so she starts to take advantage of it.

    If a guy is kind to everyone around them without expecting a rearward because they are aware that's just how they should be in general. A nice girl will pick up on it and appreciate it as usually guy's treat the nice girl as if she's invisible because she's not as desirable as that girl all the other guys are nice to just because she's hot.

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    • I feel like this is definitely why a large group of girls usually flock towards the “bad boy” because he’s not being fake nice and like you said the girl is subconsciously picking up on that behavior

  • It's not just nice boys.

    It's because most people aren't nice and nice people tend to be too caring and sensitive, they let other people step on them.

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  • There a different to nice guys just act nice before getting in a relationship. when woman get in a relationship with a nice they turn into a different guy that doesn't respect woman. it fake. good guy will respect woman. one of do not be a push over.

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  • Agreed, nice guys appear to be boring. They need something exciting to be interesting, also, nice guys usually do everything for their woman, which can be quite.. Uhm... It doesn't feel right. It's getting on our nerves.

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    • Lol yeah we should call you a bitch from time to time, never come home at night and ignore your calls and text and just like other girls photos on ig and comment sexual/flirt ish to them while dating you, because that's interesting lol right gtfo with your low self esteem abd daddy issues

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    • Nah we don't think nice girls are boring foh

    • Sigh... You didn't understand what I was trying to say, but discussing with smn who insults immediately is pointless I suppose.

      So, have a nice day buddy :)

  • That’s an assumption.

    It may in face just be because the nice guys are going for not nice girls hence they don’t get anywhere. But if they went for nice girls they would!

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    • This is totally true. Why is it that nice guys seem to always want the nastiest bitches? lol

    • I agree but we men are stupid, we can't tell a nice girl from a nasty girl because girls tend to hide their devilish behavior through body language or the tone of speech or the way they go about saying things.

  • Cause y'all think being nice is the thing that turns girls off. Girl like nice guys!!! If she dont like you or your not getting anywhere its something else.

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    • Think I disagree slightly.

      Incarcerated mass killers receive A LOT of steamy fan mail from female admirers. Maybe that is partly because of their notoriety, which is obviously a form of fame.

      But I read about a veteran from... Iraq or Afghanistan, can't remember, who said that sometimes women would ask him if he had killed anyone during his tour, and when he said yes, that really turned them on.

      There is also just my personal experience back in school that the bullies did better (with women) than the bullied.

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    • @mltplrgsm reclaiming one's life? price=invaluable.

    • @levantine99 If it primarily involves suffering, I'm not so sure. Sort of doubt I'll muster the courage anyway. Will probably just wait until my time is up.

  • I think that both men and women go for that challenge. Nice guys/girls are not that challenge. Make it right? No.

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  • Because they're not actually nice. They just have a different view on things and think that they are.

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    • wrong. they could be nice but also lack in masculinity and are easily triggered.

    • Yeah, I don't think I'm wrong here. It's not lacking masculinity, it's their "wrong" perception of being nice. The people that call themselves nice are rarely such. But everyone has their point of view

  • Because there's intent behind the actions. Not simply for just being 'nice'.

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What Guys Said 71

  • I read another user say "good men go places... get good things" and the whole conversation that followed. My 'answer' is a reply to that conversation but it was too long, so sorry for any confusion but I'm putting it here for catharsis sake.

    I can't imagine how that statement wouldn't be purely materialistic. It doesn't mean good men walk down the street more often, or that they generally get more praise from other people, so everything else I can imagine is material. But maybe my imagination isn't quite as broad as yours might be.

    A good man can be satisfied with a clerk job at a hardware store. A good man can be hard on his luck more often than not. And a good man can be afraid to reach out for fear of rejection and being hurt, just like anyone else.

    Take a stroll through any dating app using a male profile, around age 30 or 35. Every woman on them only accepts messages from someone with a great career job, an apartment of their own, a nice car, "ambition" and "goals", and can take them "traveling". /Every/ profile wants traveling, jfc. And they get bombarded with messages from thirsty-ass fuckbois every day, so their guard is high and strong.

    So the decent ones lodged inbetween their perfect expectations and the thirsty douche army, yeah they're gonna have complaints about their lack of success. It doesn't mean they aren't putting forth effort.

    But it /doesn't/ mean they expect women to throw themselves upon their dick. They're just taking out their frustration in written form, instead of... Yknow... Rape. One would think that might be a preferable outlet, but instead they need to be chastised for speaking their mind.

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  • Because nice guys are group focused, so their efforts go to elevating others while most people are self focused and thus are only interested in elevating themselves. This creates a parasitic relationship where the selfless give while the selfish take elevating themselves while siphoning off resources from the selfless. This is why its very important to be a nice guy BUT to also incorporate some selfishness as well. You cannot be totally altruistic or you will be taken advantage of, so you need to see yourself on equal grounds as the group, what is good for the group must be good for you as you are apart of the group. So as it pertains to dating, you can absolutely treat a woman right, in fact its encouraged HOWEVER if she is clearly being exploitive you are also obligated to walk away, to point out that they are using you and you will not stand for it. Not angrily just as a matter of fact, do not let yourself be used but don't use others either. You don't have to become an asshole, you just need to ensure you don't become a sacrifice either. Most nice guys don't figure this out. So for a nice guy to get some where he needs to be nice but also firm in his stance, you can help but you will not allow yourself to be exploited. Like a woman who rejects you but wants to be friends, that happens nothing wrong with that you cannot make some one want you BUT you act like a friend, you don't flirt you don't pamper them like you would when you where interested in more. If and when they decide to get upset with that you explain that they said you where just a friend and that is precisely how your treating them, your not their to faun over them and give them an ego boost, that's something you would do only if you where in a relationship with them. If they respond negatively to that you cut contact. Its a balancing act and it takes time to get the hang of it but eventually if you manage to get it right you and the people around you will be better off.

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  • There are many reasons.

    Firstly, because they lack confidence and fear rejection, they don't make their intentions known early. They don't compliment or flirt with the girl, they act as if she's a platonic friend. Then the girl only ever views them as a friend and nothing more.

    Sometimes they mighy show interest, but they do so in a way that's weak - women are attracted to strength. What makes it weak is that they put the girl on a pedestal and act as if she's "above" them - that's why they try to impress her. The frame of all of their interactions with women become him trying to win her over - when instead while she's deciding whether she likes him he should be trying to figure out whether he likes her too. When too focused on trying to impress they forget that.

    A girl said for example that guys do lots of nice things for her - if you don't know the girl well why would you do that? What has she done to earn that? In her mind this translates to the nice guy either being needy and willing to do this for any girl, and also that he's trying to get something from her - mainly sex. There's no other reason.

    Nice guys also, because they try so hard to impress and worry about losing the girl (again, desperation) try their best not to say the wrong thing and they play it too safe. They don't flirt, don't tease the girl, don't disagree, don't speak their minds, don't show their true personality. This is what makes them seem boring.

    So basically it all stems from fear of rejection, fear of losing the girl, fear of saying the wrong thing, low sense of self worth/low self esteem, lack of assertiveness.

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  • This characteristic isn't fully the cause and can't say anything. It depends on other stuff. Surely it does influence the chances not to get anywhere. Nice people sometimes say yes to things they shouldn't- it's not that smart. Some of them also let other people (mostly not nice people) steal the success behind them or "farm" being around or being friends with them. These other people can take anything from them. If nice people think they're not doing a nice thing, they get uncomfortable and due to that, some of them don't fully take responsibility on their lives which takes them down. It is very unfortunate. I understood these things because I was purely nice and innocent and it kinda happened to me. Even when I had almost everything that I wanted, I fell down, but I never give up and I will surely get to where I want because I know I will, with no worries. A good thing I understood is- if you want to be a true nice person and be smarter with it, you have to be nice also to yourself, because the most probably won't.
    For the people who think that nice people think they can only be nice and be wanted because of that- you're dead wrong in most of the cases, it ain't that related. Most of the people eventually understand that if you ain't special it will be much harder to find someone that would want you. Not everybody tries and not everybody wants to be special, although we are all special even if you don't see it. Just stop making stupid statements and open your eyes. You will eventually see who's nice and who's not but you won't know it until you really get to know a real nice person.

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  • Because women are sitting on their hands and they never make the first step. And when WE do, because we're nice and unlike players we only do after we have feelings, a rejection hurts us A LOT more than players. And it takes us a lot of time to heal our wounds. And while we heal, there's still not a single lady in sight who will budge from her entitlement and make that damn first move.
    Also, some attention-seeking ladies will enjoy leeching attention from orbiters whom they've friendzoned.

    What's sad... but I think it's essential for nice guys to learn from it... is that in order to be successful, men should just try their luck with many women for whom they don't have the slightest feeling. Just try, try, try... and when it works, figure out if any feelings develop or not. If not, rince and repeat. It's sad, but considering women's reaction to men works like that and isn't likely to change soon, I don't see any other way. Just go after desirable women. Fuck feelings! Fuck THEIR feelings too because they won't give a fuck about yours either (sad but true). Then see how it works and if feelings eventually develop.

    While I'm saying this, I haven't yet put this logic into practice, though I'm wiling to (just didn't have time this year, too much work). And the nice guy approach has only granted me 4 relationships... and a half... so far. So, fuck it.

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  • Don't call yourself a nice guy. Even if you are, people are just going to meme you.

    To be honest, its random whether you meet a girl who actually likes you or not, it has nothing to do with whether you're nice or not. I've met people who were complete cunts that were in relationships as well as some of the nicest people on earth. It comes down to who you meet and at what time. Unless you're ugly. If you're ugly then good fucking luck.

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  • Well I was fun reading the "blaming the victime" actitud in this poll.
    By what I have seen, many men act with women as if they were "sex objects" they are ussually popular and its very strange he is a nice guy.
    Furthermore, many women act with some men as if they were "emotional objects" and they use the word "friend" to define it.
    (There was even a question of an anonymous girl who asked for being in a platonic relation with a "friend" who knew he liked her).
    True is, that even when nice guys are the victim, there are things which he must make in order to advance.
    First is to recognize his right to be loved and to fuck, as a man, normal is he doesn't defend that right.
    Second is be friend of girls who are friends of him.
    (Present your friends test, is a great test use it)
    Third nice guys are used to be guys who have low self-esteem ( as the victims of rape) he must discover who he is and how he want to be recognized.
    Same as victims of rape he must walk a great path to advance.
    I really like the advances which feminism have done in this way, nice guy which have very similar consecuences must learn a bit, just translated to a emotional POV.
    When a female "friend" calls you to talk about her new boyfriend, say: No is No, as in their slogan, and go for a woman who can love you.

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  • From experience, Being Nice is portrayed as being as Butt kisser, weakling, fake, everything that is seen as potentially wrong. People, in general, can't comprehend nice, its just a small thing really. Most people are more self-centered so they believe they are the nicest person in the universe and no one can top that (cough girls).

    "Most" girls don't like kind, supporting, follower something like a puppy from men, they view it as weird but some pretend to go with it and trap you in the friend zone. Also, others are just following a trend to date certain types of guys for social status.

    Also, Nice guys could be considered as the male version of a THOT! Like how girls show their butt and boobs for admiration, while dudes show their kind, love, openness, and commitment to girls for admiration.

    I also believe that Nice guys are reserved for the ladies who-hit-the-wall hard, who is no longer at their prime, have children with tons of baby daddies, various problems, they are looking for someone to take care of their problems and nice guys are usually the ones they go for.

    I am also adding that girls like to be controlling and running the show of everything and if you play along in the show smoothly, kindly and nice then she gets bored which is retarded but that is how it works.

    Also, I'm not saying that you are a fake nice guy BUT being only nice to a girl could lead to WHO is the BIGGEST fake game. Because "MOST" girls love to be fake! They put a fake delusional portrayal of themselves and have a passive-aggressive attitude and you playing along in the same way isn't going to go anywhere between the two of you.

    Also feminazIS!!!

    Now, I am not god, or Albert Einstien this is just what I've experienced and saying, this could be different for anybody else but I hope this helps

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  • Because gals want someone who gets shit done and nice guys seldom do as people tend to not respect them or at least consider them pushovers. On top social status more often than not has a lot to do with attraction, and nice guys are often at the bottom. At least among guys since theyre percieved as a pussy. There is no reason to fake being a bad guy as social norms are uniform that thats a bad thing (at least politically correctly speaking), while there is a reason to fake being a nice guy. So the only way to confirm someone being a nice guy is over time seeing if they "slip up". This coupled with the knowledge of "nobodys perfect" usually makes a girl think he's faking being nice. Niceness is based on altruism and altruism doesn't exist in nature. Also from natures side men for millions of years (if we go back to monkey age) are the hunters, which rewards aggressiveness, which is usually imcompatible with compassion/niceness. So strictly speaking a nice guy/male is (was) a bad hunter. Gals/females look (ed) for good hunters.

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  • Ill answer that with a reverse exemple
    Imagine you're in this party with a lot of chicks , this girl comes up to you and she's average she start talking to you touching you and saying all the nice things you wanna hear and being helpfull and friendly suddenly this girl who is also average bumps into you looks at you in a mean way and just walk away. Now which one really peaked your interest?

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  • A lot of so-called nice guys are not really that nice at all. It is an act to pick up girls. Be with them for a while and their real self will eventually show itself. The truly nice ones are doing what a lot of girls do, they are waiting for the other person to make the first move so we are all waiting, waiting, waiting but nobody wants to commit themselves.

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  • There is a great article written by a trans woman who has experienced both sides called Why Nice Guys Finish Last by Julia Serano (you can find a pdf on google of it) and it explains why girls see men that way and why men become assholes because of it and what can be done about it and the whole social predator/prey double standard the plagues how men and women view each other

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    • Any idea where to find the pdf specifically?

    • @zbivinz going back now the link to the pdf no longer appears on google, I still have a saved copy but I can't find it on google anymore

  • Nice guys will be always nice.
    It is the best thing they can do.
    Nice guys are the most successful people in the world.
    A girl will love to date or keep many people as their boyfriend.
    But they will always wish 4 a nice guy to come in their life if they are looking for a long term relationship.

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  • Honestly, women find them boring. They also usually have no "game" or whatever.

    I feel that how women usually perceive them.

    Then when they get fucked over by the douche they usually go for they complain about not being able to find a decent guy when all they care about is his appearance.

    Any girl saying they ate guys majorly on personality is a liar

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  • Hi quote unquote nice guy here. It has nothing to do with my niceness in any way. It has more to do with a lack of romantic social skills coupled with low self esteem. Well for me that's my own experience. Maybe just try showing whatever girl you're talking about that you are interested in making her a large part of your world. But what do I know

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  • Being a nice guy is only an issue when you have nothing else to offer. What can the nice guy offer other than being nice? Are they interesting? Is there common ground? Would you date someone one dimensional?

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  • Because they aren't actually nice guys, they are boring guys.

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  • thematinggrounds. com/how-to-be-attractive-to-women-pt-3-the-tender-defender-the-nice-guy-vs-the-asshole/

    wnycstudios. org/story/104010-one-good-deed-deserves-another/

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  • Because nice guys have all the qualities women want and the women don't want to risk ruining their relationship with nice guys with sex and emotions so they just keep them as friends.

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