If a guy says “I want to hurt you as less as possible”, what does he really mean?

Question

Context:

I am dating a guy who claims that he really likes me and is trying to make it work, but then has said a few times that he doesn’t want me to get hurt if he can’t see us together. I really like him, and know that he feels the same about me. I just don’t know what to think of this. He struggles accepting that I am inexperienced and younger than him. Not by a lot, just a few years. He is 27, I am 20. Is he planning on hurting me? “I want to hurt you as less as possible”. That hurts because it makes me think that he doesn’t want to see us together.

Thoughts?

Answer 1

MrOracle | 4K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

Master

It sounds like he's not convinced that your relationship with him could work out in the long term - no idea why, but presumably you'd have a better idea of what his reasons for that would be than we would - and so he'd rather not move forward, knowing that if he did, you'd be hurt much worse than if he ended things with you now. He's trying to spare your feelings as much as he can, before you're too invested.

React

1 Person

Asker

1 y
Thank you for your reply. What do you recommend I do?
MrOracle

1 y
Well, you need to get to the WHY - why does he think it won't work out long-term? And then you have to consider his points and whether or not he's correct - and he may be! But maybe you can find solutions to the problems he's presenting, or work out a compromise that you can both live with. Until you can define the problem, though, you can't come up with a solution.
Asker

1 y
Yeah he says that it’s the 7 year age gap :/ that is what is driving him crazy. He said that if I were out of college and 22ish then he would date me. Maybe I’m not picking up on the hints that he is dropping
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MrOracle

1 y
That's not a terribly huge age gap, but the age itself can't be the issue - there has to be something more specific. Perhaps he wants kids and thinks you won't be ready soon enough? Maybe he's looking to move in together, or get married, or whatever, and doesn't think you're ready (or doesn't think YOU think you're ready)? Get to the bottom of that and find out his ACTUAL concerns - the specific issues that trouble him - and then you can find a way to deal with them.
Asker

1 y
Thank you :)

Answer 2

Asker

Thank you for your reply. What do you recommend I do?

Answer 3

MrOracle

Well, you need to get to the WHY - why does he think it won't work out long-term? And then you have to consider his points and whether or not he's correct - and he may be! But maybe you can find solutions to the problems he's presenting, or work out a compromise that you can both live with. Until you can define the problem, though, you can't come up with a solution.

Answer 4

Asker

Yeah he says that it’s the 7 year age gap :/ that is what is driving him crazy. He said that if I were out of college and 22ish then he would date me. Maybe I’m not picking up on the hints that he is dropping

Answer 5

MrOracle

That's not a terribly huge age gap, but the age itself can't be the issue - there has to be something more specific. Perhaps he wants kids and thinks you won't be ready soon enough? Maybe he's looking to move in together, or get married, or whatever, and doesn't think you're ready (or doesn't think YOU think you're ready)? Get to the bottom of that and find out his ACTUAL concerns - the specific issues that trouble him - and then you can find a way to deal with them.

Answer 6

Asker

Thank you :)

Answer 7

Warven22

Xper 4

He's telling you he doesn't think it'll work out, so he's trying to soften the blow when it happens.

If he's not ready to be with you now, move on. Doesn't mean you need to immediately find a new man, but like... He seems unavailable.

React

1 Person

Asker

1 y
Really? Maybe you’re right. Why go out with me in the first place then
Warven22

1 y
Because he likes you and wants to make it work, but is well aware for whatever reason it's probably not going to.
Asker

1 y
Thank you :)

Answer 8

Asker

Really? Maybe you’re right. Why go out with me in the first place then

Answer 9

Warven22

Because he likes you and wants to make it work, but is well aware for whatever reason it's probably not going to.

Answer 10

Asker

Thank you :)

Answer 11

Hangry22

Guru

I think he means emotional hurt. Some people have this thinking that they're really bad guys because they stole cookies when they were small and thus do not deserve good people. So it's self-pity. He needs assurance from you

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
Why would he need assurance from me?
Hangry22

1 y
So as to let you into his life knowing that you will not leave him. He got trust issues
Asker

1 y
Yeah it sounds like it. :)

Answer 12

Asker

Why would he need assurance from me?

Answer 13

Hangry22

So as to let you into his life knowing that you will not leave him. He got trust issues

Answer 14

Asker

Yeah it sounds like it. :)

If a guy says “I want to hurt you as less as possible”, what does he really mean?

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