Does he love her more or did he really not care for me at all?

Before I ask I just want to state I already left him . I know I deserve better .

I was in a relationship with this man for 3.5 years. The for 2 years were long distance. I am 26 years old now and he is now 37. He has never been married, no children etc. He moved down to the south to be with me like planned, and I found out he has had a another girlfriend the whole time. I thought she was an ex. but he apparently has never let her go and they have been together on and off for 9 years. But on for the whole time he was with me. I will admit I am a hard one to pull things by, I snoop, show up unexpectedly but yet he fooled everyone. He says he cares about her but isn't in love with her and I have his heart, she has his mind. He said I am more of a partner and she a friend but he also says she has nothing I don't have and that she lacks stuff I have. I am not asking if I should stay or not, I left him changed my emails and my number. I was tested for std's and am fine. I have showed unbiased people pictures she doesn't even compare to me. I have no answers, and no idea why he would do this for so long. Does anyone esp. guys have any advice as to why? I am trying my hardest to move on but I am having trouble understanding everything since he lied so much. I know I am doing the right thing leaving, since I deserve more but for 3.5 years the hurt and lying is making it unbearable for me to even get a grip as to what has gone on in my life for so long. Does he love her more or did he really not care for me at all?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You must have suspected something, or you didn't trusted your Boyfriend other wise why would you "snoop, show up unexpectedly "?

    That was red flag sign of a bad relationship. You can't really have a relationship with someone you don't trust.

    To answer your question. Why did he do it?

    Well this thing has been going on for a long time. 9 years, started before he meet you, and little doubt continues after you. The fact that he hasn't settled down with her, and indeed no one else has kinda suggests the lass is a weirdo/nut case. Would you be happy to be the other woman. 9 years of being a bit on the side? clearly she is.

    He has some connection/history with the lass, that is unhealthy or detrimental to his life. Eg he lost you, his girl friend because of this obsession. What does he get out of it? list of possible reasons-

    -excitement, maybe he likes cheating, he gets a rush from sneaking around

    -the lass is a fruit cake and he kinda feels emotional responsible for her. i.e. she says she will kill herself if he doesn't see her.

    -escape, we all like to get away every so ofter, the ultimate break is a secret life

    -maybe she is his perfect women, but he just can't live with her

    -maybe its really good sex

    -its Freudian, she reminds him of his mother

    etc, etc

    the truth is your ex probably doesn't know himself. The only way you'll know for sure is if you have a magic telescope that looks inside ex boyfriend heads. Outside of that you just have the accept that you will never know and just need to move on.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Wow . I am sorry for everyone involved, especially you. Why?: I guarantee that you will get lost in attempting to figure out what YOU had to do with any of this and guarantee it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with HIM. He loved you, most likely, as much as he is capable of loving, which is obviously limited. Now you know. Without integrity . nothing works. It appears he is destined for a "nothing works" life and will only know what giving limited love gets.which is sad, lonely and limited. You, on the other hand, get to be free in knowing you were not sentenced to that result by being attached to him and can start now causing an incredibly rich life, full of wonderful people and relationships, that are the result of giving unbridled loyalty, kindness and a depth of love he will never touch. Good luck!


What Girls Said 2

  • I have to completely agree with Kayaking. This isn't something you caused, or could have avoided by being a "better" girlfriend. His mistakes are all on him and have nothing to do with you. More than likely, it was a relationship of convenience - she was available when you were not. He probably thought what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.

    Mulling over this is a waste of time, you will never know what his motivation is. I don't think you are going to solve anything by dwelling on this. It'll do you no good. It wasn't you that did anything wrong, no need to suffer over something you had no control over. He's a liar, you didn't make him one.

    People do things that puzzle us all - we have no control over their choices in life. You do have a choice in yours - choose to move on. You made a mistake trusting a jerk, no more than that.

    good luck and I wish you the best.

  • Maybe he thought you'd never find out about this other woman and therefore wasn't ever going to tell you. I do think it's a bit mean that he didn't tell you about the other woman even tho they were together on/off for 9 years.

    I don't think this guy knows who he loves.