I hope reading this might be a support for anyone struggling with an eating disorder right now. Like many others, I've suffered from one in my teens. A changing body, new school, mean kids, low self esteem... before I knew it I was a regular on many pro-ana sites.
When I tried to recover, my anorexia simply changed to boulima, as I was not able to control nor accept myself.
Eventually, I really recovered, gaining 15 kg in the process. I hated it but put up with it in order to get my life back. It worked. I had energy again, I had friends and I got more stable emotions. Food and fatness still occupied my mind more than would be ideal, but I no longer acted on those thoughts and I no longer cared a lot.
Slowly I lost 5 kg by returning to a normal eating pattern. I got into new sports as well and found my body changing again.
The irony is, at 10 kg more than my lowest weight, I now have smaller measurements. I finally have the thigh gap and flat belly I desired years ago and I secretly like it. In the end, didn't get fat with recovery, but I did get happiness, energy, strength, time, friends and attention from guys.
If you are scared of giving up on control, you are not alone. The loss of control is temporary, it will get better and it will be worth it! Beauty isn't worth sacrificing everything else in life, especially if it's a skeletal beauty nobody but you can appreciate.
If you are struggling with accepting your bigger body, that will get better with time too. You're not fat, you simply have a warped view. The only cure is time. Focus on different things, try to stop caring. The world won't collapse, but you might actually feel like you're part of it again.
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