I am 16 years old. I'm almost going to be 17, which will make it about nine years that I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and ADHD. Depression has been with me from the age of about eight. It began to stem from issues such as concentration, divorce, and self-esteem. I was too young to even know these were issues not in my control even though they directly impacted me.
Everyday, I know my depression is getting worse. I am alone and very lonely. I feel the pressure of my high expectations suffocating me. I contemplate suicide every week. I beat myself down to make my future-self proud. But it's impossible when you have no patience and have no future. I feel angry at the world for putting me in this situation when I did nothing wrong and the biggest scumbags treat others like shit. My suffering gets worse but, isn't it better to quit early if you'll quit eventually? A voice keeps telling me I need to be PERFECT. I need to have this-and-that to be happy and without it I'll be miserable or not good enough. It's either restricting my eating intake or binge eating. I feel miserable when I exercise because I try to exceed my limit, but I'm too weak. I can't get away from the thoughts unless I have weed. I can't forget about the past and I can't see a future for myself. I'm constantly exhausted of going through "the motions" of life repeatedly. I feel like my life force and energy are being sucked out of me each day. It feels like an endless road of sadness, loneliness, and exhaustion. A suicide attempt means a person is at their lowest possible point. To try and take your own life and no longer exist is the easier and realistic decision for someone if they are so depressed. Living feels like a mistake and you just want to stop the unbelievable pain. Life just sucks to say the least.
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