Why am I so unmotivated and feel so worthless?

I dont know what to so. Everytime I try to straighten up my life and get healthy i fail. I used to play as an Offensive lineman in HS so I weighed 270 lbs in Jr. year and during a drill I broke my phibia and dislocated my knee which made me unable to walk for about 3 months due a doctor delaying a surgery on my knee to remove dead cartilige. During that period I ate like a pig and got up to 295 lb. I quit football and stayed that weight for the rest of HS. In the summer before i started college i decided i had to lose weight ao i started to walk every day and eat well. Over the course of the next year i got down to 230 lb. Well Summer started and i started eating terribly and up at the end of 2019 i weighed 313 lb. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror where do i even start? I've wasted the "best" years of my life being an ugly fatass that know talks to or respects. I've alwasy had low self esteem because of me being so fucking fat that i can barely see my penis. Which is another huge insecurity of mine, when you are 6 ft tall and weigh 300lb and look in the mirror when naked it looks like i have a micro penis. How am i suppose to be confident when everytime i sit down my penis retracts in side my body? Honestly this is my biggest reason i want to lose weight. As of now its only 4 inch when errect and about 5.5 inch if i push the ruler all the way to the back. But like i said every time I start a diet amd do well for a few days I watch porn or something and look at myself in the mirror and fall into deep depression so i start comfort eating. Please i need some help how do i get past this hump in my life so i dont end up being a fat kissless virgin for the rest of my life. Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar. And by the way im 20 Im just scared of putting my actual birthday on the internet.
Why am I so unmotivated and feel so worthless?
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