Should I feel like a worthless bum?

Anonymous
I have a mental disorder called intermittent explosive disorder, essentially it’s just extremely explosive bursts of anger, that aren’t really justified by the situation. Such as being cut infront of in line, or something dumb like that. Its also instant, my entire personality shuts down, I fly into a violent rage, I’ve broken my hands so many times punching studs in walls that they’re permanently disfigured and I have no use of my right hand pink or ring finger. I’ve fractured my skull putting my head through walls and head butting doors. I got expelled from highschool cause these 2 kids made fun of my haircut, and we fought, then I saw him in the office and we fought again, that was when I really broke the fuck out of my hand, I’ve lost countless jobs due to exploding on people (not physically that only happened once pretty much cause they wanted to fight) my go to is to punch a wall or head butt something. No one understands that it’s a mental illness I suffer from, my family are finished with me, and I have no friends, and I’m homeless living in my car. I think my dad has it too bc he used to beat my mom a lot, and explode, but he has a job and a big house and a really expensive car, I don't know how he functions, I really can’t take care of myself at all, I try and try and fail so hard. Holding my anger in only makes my next eruption even worse. I think I need government assistance to survive, where I can live alone and stay away from people so I don’t have any issues. But I feel like a bum, like I’m worthless. I want to work and make something of my life, but it’s impossible due to this poisoness disorder I have. I don’t see and quality of life for me anywhere in my future. I’ve held off on SSDI or SSI cause it just makes me feel like a failure bum, like I’m a leech, but I can’t make it on my own in the real world what do you people think?
Should I feel like a worthless bum?
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