I don’t really want to be perfect but I’m human just like the rest of us even you are human, we all make mistakes and I’m not even going to pretend I’m perfect cause I know I’m far from it. Somethings yeah I may be a bit of a perfectionist about it, like spelling because I cannot stand typing errors it’s just a pet peeve of mine but I could really care less about grammar to a point I won’t try and fix that or when it comes to money I don’t usually round off I use exact numbers just to make sure we can afford it or whatever. I’m sorry I’m not perfect but neither are you but I don’t point it out every darn mistake you make or if you grab the wrong dinner. Tonight I messed up by grabbing chicken wings when the original plan was to have chicken legs and I didn’t see that I grabbed wings (I’m sorry). How come you had to point it out not once but three times that I messed up?, and you insulted me that I’ve been messing up a lot lately a lot more than usual. I care that I make those types of mistakes but I hate you pointing it out laying it into me like yes I know I made a mistake but do you have to make it so I’m ready to bawl my eyes out? Or I’m ready to say something I might regret? I hate that you push those buttons, you know how much it bloody hurts that I messed up. My parents always laid into me for absolutely no reason at all so of course when I think I messed up because you really hurt me by repeating yourself and my mistake all different ways “yes I get that I messed up and I’m sorry” I’m really tired of having to say I’m sorry even though I truthfully mean it, but do you realize that makes me feel insecure that I’m always a screw up? Because I was never good enough for my parents no matter what I did I could never please them?. I sometimes feel like I go to bed crying at night, in silence because that part of me goes back to being with them and being verbally beaten up.
I don't ever want to go back to that place again! so why would you make me feel that way? when you know all the horrible stuff I was put through?
I know it isn't intentional but when I am put into that position my wall comes back up and I fight and I don't even realize I am doing it... I don't want to hurt you but I also don't want to be hurt.
You don't hurt the ones you love?
Often people act like they do love you but, they don't my parents always told me they loved me, but I still barely believe it even till now. I'm 31 almost now and my mother still treats me like a little kid
This may be tough to hear or to understand, but you need to get over your own ego, don't listen to your mind, don't judge or react, and simply be in the moment. I have been going on about this "living in the moment" spiritual stuff for a while now on GaG, but it really works. If you get over your ego, stay conscious of your thoughts, emotions, pain, physical reactions, etc. you can leave open a space for your partner to also join you there.
What I mean by this is that if you find joy within yourself, by simply existing, to not let external things clutter up your internal space and just "be", then this will allow you to find out what is going on with your husband.
This will allow you ask him about how he feels. This will allow him to also become conscious as to why his ego has this need to be so concerned with your mistakes. It will allow you and him to work together to be no judgmental about the root causes of these emotions.
Do you really think he cared all that much about the chicken? Do you think it is really your mistakes he cares about so much as it is just a reflection of his own fears, his own insecurities, his own defenses? He needs to come to terms with why he feels the way he does by exposing his thoughts and emotions to a watchful eye. To simply observe his ego and transmute it into himself.
However, you can't force him to be conscious. It always starts with you! Being joyful, not identifying with your mind, but rather, simply being present in the moment, is what will open the door for him to also be there with you.
It it said that women have an easier time of being present in the moment. This is why I feel women have more intimate connections with people and why women aren't as neurotic. Women tend to manifest their ego in their emotions though and create pain, so watching emotions becomes the task rather than watching thoughts and thought patterns.
Grow within yourself! Feel your inner body! Your BEING isn't in the past, it isn't in the future, it is right here right now! Don't identify with those things, don't identify with your husband's judgment. Let your joy shine forth and be a beacon for all those who witness it.
- Close your eyes and ask yourself "I wonder what my next thought is going to be?" and watch. You might be surprised when no thoughts come up for several minutes. When a thought does come, you will be so aware of it, that it will simply float on by. Don't judge it! Just let any thoughts or feelings that do come up come and then go. Eventually, you will be able to be present in this way more frequently and without having to close your eyes and meditate on it. - Focus intently on what is going on right now. Don't think about the past, don't worry about the future. Look at colors, shapes, textures, and pay attention to the gaps between sounds. But don't judge or analyze them! If your mind tries to, just watch those thoughts and realize that your mind isn't you. Your past isn't you, your future isn't you. You are you right now. Now is the only time you have ever lived.
You will find the joy behind all the clutter and then external things will not affect you as much. You will be observant, more objective, and will identify much less with external factors. You will be able to grow and learn from mistakes, you will be able to understand and sympathize with those who are stuck in the unconsciousness of their mind made ego.
Uhhh ego? It’s not an ego, just I believe you should only be told once the way it happened it was degrading to me hence why I said I never wanted to be put back into that place again
All I am saying is that you shouldn't let your past or your mind prevent you from being joyful in the present moment. Maybe your husband is preventing you from growing and from being happy. If that is the case, I would try to spend more time clearing your own inner space and to be at peace with yourself.
Technically you don't need your husband. Sure, he is your second half and men and women seek each other through the polarity of their energy. However, you are all the joy you ever will need. Feel that joy and it will dissolve all this pain and will also help him to dissolve his pain as well.
There is always a way out. The doorway, the portal, is within you.
My past is a big part of who I am, I was emotionally abused for so many years, something sparks that part inside of me, and I'm put in that moment where my mother laid right into me for any given reason, mostly no reason at all... Several times after my father went to work she would yell at me for no reason, sometimes when he was around he did crap all to stop it. So yes it is a big part of who I am, not who I want to be but I really can't stop it at this point now, can I? all I know is I want to be different for my child's sake (if and ever when I have one). Most of the time my dad didn't give a hoot either because I was molested for quite a long time, and with my mother he says he was "afraid of her so he was trying to keep the peice"
"So yes it is a big part of who I am, not who I want to be but I really can't stop it at this point now, can I?"
The "it" you are talking about is your ego. You don't need to "stop" your ego. The ego is an identity that your mind is creating for you from your past experiences and from a perceived lack that only the future will resolve. Rather than "stopping" it, just don't identify with it. Once again, you aren't your mind! The real you, your very essence, your Being, your consciousness, is underneath all that clutter which are those experiences that your mind clings to and uses to keep the ego alive.
All you need to do is watch. Just observe your thoughts. Disconnect from them. Watch the pain. Don't try to understand or analyze it. Just watch it. Know that it isn't you. You are pure, all those moments in the past, your thoughts, your worries, they aren't you.
And who are you? You are love. You are joy. You are awesome. Embrace it! Be the love you want and reflect it onto others.
Remember what Jesus told Mary Magdalene? She was a prostitute who felt she could never be worthy of God's love. But Jesus told her to "go and sin no more". He told her that she was forgiven.
Think about that for a minute. What is sin? Sin is unconsciousness. What Jesus was really saying to Mary was that she needed to let it go, forgive herself, live in the very moment because the past is no more, but the NOW? The now is the only moment we ever have. The only moment that matters. When you realize that simple truth, then we can be free. Our past doesn't define us. Our mind that tries to keep us trapped in time isn't who we really are.
And how could Jesus forgive her? He could because he and her are the exact same. We are all sons and daughters of God. When he forgave her, it was like she was forgiving herself. That is the truth. In fact, we are ALL GOD. All of us. We are all one, all expressions that come from the same source and return to that source once we die.
"I mean stop my past from interfering and why I get upset so easily?"
The ego is what happens when you identify with your thoughts. Think of the ego like a mind made identity that is created through experiences, whether painful or pleasurable. And the ego feeds off of time and off the things that happened in your past and off of what you want to happen in the future.
The past doesn't have to be a big part of yourself. As soon as you watch your thoughts and watch your emotions, they will evaporate. It is just like the darkness cannot exist when it is exposed to the light.
Try it once. I'm not saying to ignore your problems, the problems you experience need to be handled at the moment, there is no use dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
Ask yourself, "What is it right now that I lack?" Right this second, what are you lacking? If your mind goes to the past or the future, you know your ego is controlling you.
But as far as your husband, if you cause each other pain, that is only because either one or both of your egos are causing it. You can't control his ego, but you can control yours. And when you become enlightened in this way, it invites him to come into your space and also gain consciousness through being present and letting the pain and mind clutter dissolve.
It is not "husbands" per se. You just made a shitty choice when you chose a partner. His drive for you to be "perfect" probably didn't manifest overnight. He was probably like that before marriage, and you simply chose to accept him for the way he was rather than keep searching for a better person.
No doubt there are both men and women who expect their partners to be "perfect". Like women who wonder why their husbands don't bring in more income... etc. There are also the vast majority who understand that each person has their flaws and quirks.
My wife is clumsy. She has broken around 6-7 plates, cups, bowls, glasses since I met her. She has tipped a glass of water on my laptop, shorting it out. She's dropped containers of cooking oil, spilling it all over the floor. In the same time, I have broken 1 bowl.
When she breaks something, she loses her shit and starts cursing.
When I see it, I start picking the pieces up and cleaning the floor. No questions asked. Because it was an accident, and I know it was not intentional. There's no point (in my perspective) in lecturing her to be less clumsy. However, some people may believe that criticizing others may lead to improvement (e. g., parents yelling at kids to get A+ when their current grade is C). Few people can make such miraculous degrees of change, which is why I don't expect her to change her ways.
No one, even your husband has the right to make you feel like that. I make mistakes all the time, I'm stretched to thin with my time and seem to mess up something in every task because I'm not giving anything my all. It's OK!
Grabbing the wrong cut of the correct protein for dinner is not something to make a fuss over. Constantly reminding you that you've made a mistake is a sign of either a much deeper problem in the relationship or a really bad character flaw on his part.
Communicate with him about it, tell him how you really feel and give him opportunity to correct his behavior. Try counseling if your willing, marriage and individual. Either way this behavior has to stop, it's not healthy for you as an individual and it's killing your relationship. You have to learn to forgive yourself and he should be building you up not knocking you down.
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myTake Owner
+1 y
I tried to tell him telling me a few times different ways made me feel like crap and he took it the wrong way, keeps going I may consider some counseling
You are very welcome ❤️ I'm sorry he's not listening to you. Try writing it down, sometimes it's easier to say the right thing the right way if your notface to face in that moment when you feel so guarded and vulnerable. Even individual counseling will help tremendously. You need to see how wonderful you are as person and learn to love yourself.
Perhaps if he gives you a good hard spanking you will do better. Submission is a woman's natural state and woman are happiest when submitting to the will of their husband or father. But often you must enforce your will upon her to submit. The rise in feminism has left a lot of women unhappy in life and 1 out of 4 women are on anti depressants. Sometimes it's necessary when my wife isn't acting right, refusing to keep the house cleaning and have a meal prepared for when I come home from work. I tried to discuss her disrespectful behavior but she flew into a rage and attacked me so I grabbed her and put her across my knee hitched up her skirt pulled down her panties and with the palm of my hand spanked her bottom as hard as I could for 10 minutes. Her ass was red raw and she couldn’t sit down for a week. She ran home to her parents who were discusted by her behaviour and her father threatened to take his belt to her. After a week she realised how wrong she had been andrawn apologised, we had amazing make up sex. Ever since she's been as good as gold putting maximum effort into our marriage and is now pregnant. It was all just a classic shit test to test my limits and of course if I hadn't disciplined her she would not respect me. She is happier now sumitting to my will and being the good helper the lord intended
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myTake Owner
+1 y
That’s you, my husband and I don’t do that, while the lord intended women submit to their husbands it was never intended to hit someone on the ass just because they didn’t do it. Communication is needed here not a ass spanking
This isn't an example of acceptable behaviour, he isn't dominant, he was just being an idiot, but he never sees it that way. I only prefer dominance in bed not outside... But this wasn't dominance. Nor will I submit to it? why should I take being treated like crap? oh, wait just because I'm supposed to be submissive? and be obedient to everything my husband says because the lord says?, again I'm sorry but there has to be room for mistakes, they happen to everyone
and what I mean is, I shouldn't take him giving me shit for the same thing multiple times over in different ways. Because it really feels like crap. Other than your dominant side, How would you feel if that happened to you?
We usually eat dinner when he gets home, sometimes he is home earlier he usually wants to help me prepare it then.. If its late like 10 pm at night which sometimes it is, it is made either as soon as he gets in or shortly thereafter
Hold on, so why is there still a marriage? My dad was abusive, degenerating and stole from my mom. Yet my mom had to get together with him and ran away from him several times. She had a very valid reason though. Children, who in her opinion needed a dad. Now sure your situation might not be as extreme, but... If you don't like to be seen as a child... treated like a child... Why aren't you being the adult and standing up for yourself? And with that I don't mean fight back, but take your life in your own hands.
Not telling you to give up on your current life mind you, you must have your reasons, whether it's family, religion, kids, pride or financial status... I am curious though why you are in this situation. How did you only after marriage find out that it all would get like this.
My mother did take her life back and she is admirable for it. Took about 15 years but yeah. How long do you think it will take you?
A good husband will stop, shut his mouth and open his ears to listen to you and your feelings. He will not just listen but actually HEAR what you are saying, and most importantly he will act on it; by helping you, and loving you for who you are. If you don’t feel like you can be the real you around him, then I strongly suggest you consider your marriage through a meditative session of critical thinking. As a psychologist and marriage counselor, I would highly recommend you two have some space.
... I've seen a lot of rambles masked as my takes but this one takes the cake with the first person perspective. But hey it was actually kinda neat to read and it made me feel feelings so I don't regret reading it.
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myTake Owner
+1 y
It was a bit of a ramble, but more true feelings than anything. and thank you :)
Great take - Use it as a template, you don't deserve to be treated this way and you expect to be treated a certain way - It is fair enough for any person to say this is the way I should be treated and I don't have to take it that said other person may say that it is unreasonable but that is where full and open communication comes in (Give and Take, compromise which is the foundation of any successful frelationship)
Ah, solipsism on full display here. No, a woman will NEVER accept responsibility for ANYTHING she says or does, her situation in life is always the result of something external or out of her control. Nothing is EVER her fault, EVER.
Nobody is perfect. Everyone is full of flaws and imperfections, which makes them more beautiful and attractive. True Love is not about finding the perfect person, its about finding a broken person, with full of flaws and imperfections and loving those flaws and imperfections
Sorry you have to deal with that. I was the same as your husband years back I had to learn the hard way. One my ex told me one day you will wish to have me back and it will be to late by that time I have already move on. I always called her fat , bitch you name it. It has been 6 years now and I wish I got get her back but she right.
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myTake Owner
+1 y
6 years? your profile says your 23? married young? sorry you lost her though before you had a chance to make it beter
Correction I dated this girl back in high school I was never married to her or never live with her we were in long time relationship I broke up with her back in 2012 . I got married in 2015 with a different girl. In 2014 I wanted her back but I was to late I always point out small little things that didn't even matter like for example when she accidentally spill coffee I called useless retard fat ass bitch. I was young at the time now I wish I could go back and fix thing but I'm married she's married.
Sounds like your husband doesn't treat you well. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Sure you have your ups and downs in marriage but little things shouldn't be made into a big problem. Putting someone down in order for the other person feel like they have the control or upper hand is wrong.
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myTake Owner
+1 y
is it a possible chance that he could have learned it from his ex? his ex-was mentally abusive
That's the thing, when you marry someone you're accepting all their flaws and the fact that they're not perfect. But you're committing to loving them regardless of that.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
You have no idea how careless I am. I'm a hot mess and it's honestly one of the reasons I never want to marry... the thought of a husband secretly wishing that he had a better wife, ouch! I'm not taking a risk of my life. I'm very stupid I know it.
In a relationship we need to realize: "Not to sweat the small stuff. And that it's ALL small stuff." And to choose our battles wisely if there are battles to choose.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I'm sorry you are going through that. You deserve better. In my relationship my wife is the one who tends to be very critical. I'm not perfect either and I never will be. Love should be unconditional and we should build each other up, not tear each other down. I don't know how to tell you to make things better sweetheart, but I do hope they get better. If not, I hope you move on and find someone who treats you right.
Sounds like you have deeper issues than making little mistakes that are not a big deal, don’t be so hard on yourself and just tell them that people do make mistakes and that they don’t have to point them out every time
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