How do I tell my mom I don't want her to be a part of my life especially not my wedding?

My fiancé and I just got engaged about 2 weeks ago. My mom tells me that she likes him but has nothing nice to say about either of us. There have been a few times over the past year and a half where my fiancé has wanted to take my phone and rip her a new one because she has been so verbally abusive towards me. When I told her she got engaged she got super mad at me for not telling her sooner and claimed she was the last to know. I told her about it before I told anyone else. She then told me I was selfish for getting engaged 2 weeks before my brothers high school graduation.
Once we got back into town from our trip she asked me to have lunch which I agreed to. There she acted like nothing had ever happened and was so excited about the engagement. Then she would ask me what my fiancé and my plans were for the wedding and she told me that it was all wrong. She didn't like the date we picked and told me it would be better to do it on the same day we graduate college instead of a week later. She also told me that she didn't like a bunch of other ideas as well. We want to keep our wedding small and on the less expensive end but she wants us to have this big one and not help pay for it. I don't know how to talk to her about it and tell her that this isn't ok anymore. It never was ok but now that I'm 20 and haven't been living with her for 2 years it has got to stop. Everyone else is happy for us and willing to help but she wants it her way or her way.


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  • All you need to say this the day we have booked it for and this what's happening. If you can make it that will be good if not see you next time we are all free to meet up.


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What Guys Said 2

  • Part of getting married is that you are considered grown up. Your mother will always look at you as her child, even when you're 70 and she's 90.

    That means you have to act like an adult, and stick to your decision. No date can satisfy everyone's schedule. But regardless, it must satisfy your own schedule.

    If you don't want to spend a lot of money, or if you are very private people, then simply limit the invite list to the immediate family and friends (i.e. parents, siblings). If your entire extended family lives nearby, then you may have to spend some money to bring the wedding elsewhere - even if it's not too far away like a 4-5 hour drive away.

    I would avoid saying "It's my wedding and this is what I want". That will likely be a trigger for an argument, where she calls you selfish.

    Simply say, "We can't afford a big wedding, and we both want it to be private with immediate family only."

    • She calls me selfish for dying my hair I'm used to it but I see your point.

  • I appreciate your situation and it can be difficult - but as you are now becoming an adult - I think you need to try to take a more adult approach here. This would revolve around communication and sometimes compromise.

    First for perspective - this is YOUR life event and YOUR wedding and there are a lot of things you have in your head around the event. You should expect to have ultimate approval and veto over the final decisions.

    However, keep in mind this is a major life event for your mother as well. The day that your daughter chooses to be forever linked to another human and basically begin a new life with that person signifies the end of of the parent/child relationship being the most important in their life. Your parents will always be your parents - but as much as it is a celebration of your commitment to your fiance - it is also marking the change in responsibility and importance of your primary 'family'. This is an important milestone in your moms life too.

    That being said - I would urge you not to try to cut her out of it. There is nothing you could do to possibly damage your future relationship with your mom and by association your extended family by doing this.

    I would approach this by scheduling a nice lunch with you and your mom. Turn the cell phones off. Thank her, sincerely, for her support and advice over the years. Express how excited you are to begin this new chapter in your life and why you feel he is the right person to take care of you for a LIFETIME. With that perspective, tell her that you know it is a special day for her as well and want and value her experience and guidance with wedding planning. Tell her that you excited to have her help as it is a big task. However, you should make it clear that ultimately this is your day - you will listen to her suggestions and reasoning - but ultimate decisions on it will be made by you and she needs to respect this situation. See if this doesn't help level set things and go from there...

    • You don't want to burn the bridge with your mom. There is always a mother/daughter bond that exists and there may be many times you will want to fall back on this bond for support. When you have kids are you going to have to tell them that they don't have a Nana because you aren't speaking? You could sure use the help with a newborn to get a break now and then etc. Being a parent doesn't end when your kids get married nor does the need for them to be in your lives end. I"m sure the wedding planning is stressful but you need to get past this one single day. Don't turn your back on the bond and blood relationship you have over the planning of small details that you won't even remember 5 years from now. Also remember, the more people you invite, the more gifts/money you get and if they are good guests - they will give enough gifts to cover their costs ($150/head per guest they should give you $150 worth of gifts) so its not all out of pocket.

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    • Well, I don't know all the details here but maybe you can look at getting some impartial councseling to find some middle ground here on your relationship as her gateway to being part of the wedding. It sure would be nice to have at least a working relationship with your mom as you grow older. She doesn't sound that bad.

      For the record - I think you are completely nuts for having the wedding either on or 1 week after college graduation. There is enough with that event, getting moved out of school, transitioning to a job etc that a wedding within one week or especially on the same day is just a bad idea. I mean - how to you celebrate a graduation if you are having a wedding?

    • We both will have been done with school for a month by the time we officially graduate so the wedding will be a month and a week after we finished school. She has always been very abusive to me and manipulative to many people especially myself which is why I don't want her around me.

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