How can I learn to trust my husband again and let go of my anger?

So I believe that trust is extremely important in any relationship, especially marriage. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We had been married for 6 months when I got pregnant with our son. When I was about 2 months pregnant and going through "morning sickness" and not really wanting anything to do with sex bc I felt horrible my husband did something I never expected. I went to bed early one night and he stayed up for awhile and was drinking. The next day while he was sleeping off the night before I just had this horrible feeling that something wasn't right. I know it was wrong, but I looked at his phone. I found text messages from the night before between him and a girl about hooking up while I was asleep. This girl was someone he replied to from a Craigslist personal ad... Nothing actually happened bc I read in the messages where he told her he was married and then she told him no and he agreed it was a bad idea. I confronted him and he said that it would never happen again and that he was stupid and didn't know why he did it. Later it came out that it was bc I wasn't giving him what he needed bc I was sick all the time. I told him he had to earn my trust back bc up until then I trusted him completely and he took that away. I know nothing actually happened, but it could have. We are doing a little better now and nothing else has happened since then... But I still find myself wondering if he's telling me the truth when he goes places or if he's just gotten better at hiding things. And I'm still fighting the anger bc he made me feel so bad about myself while I was pregnant with our son, and even now I still have issues with myself and wonder if I'm enough. I'm angry that he took the happiness away from me when it was supposed to be a happy time for both of us. How do I trust him again and get over this anger? How long will it take for me to get over this? I take our marriage very seriously and want so bad to trust him and move on.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't condone his actions, but I do understand them. Men commonly judge how much his wife loves him, by their sex life. I don't know how long you weren't having sex with him, but if a woman tells her husband no enough times, he will feel unloved. Eventually that can destroy a marriage. If my wife hadn't touched me since she got pregnant, I would feel really used. Like she just wanted a baby and had been pretending to love me in order to get me on the hook for child support. It may not make sense, but that is how a lot of guys would feel. So this may not be just about him looking to get off, but also to feel loved, and valued as a man.

    If his emotions being hurt encouraged him to make this decision, then you might be able to find more trust, by knowing he no longer feeling unloved, and undesired, by making him feel loved and valued as a man. This might allow you to feel more secure that he isn't going to try something like this again. Please understand that I am not suggesting what he did was okay, or that this was somehow your fault. Clearly he shouldn't have done what he did, but understanding his reasons might be able to give you confidence that you can manipulate events to avoid that from happening again.

    If however he was just horny and looking to get off, then he will have to do 100% of the work. Either way he needs to work to earn your trust, and realize he isn't entitled to your trust right now. If you want to check his phone, or check up on him from time to time, he has no right to complain about it. This process will take a long time either way. Eventually however you will need to move past it. No sense bringing it up 20 years from now after you decided to stay with him.

    • Thank you for your insight into how he might have been thinking! I can understand that. I had been pregnant for about 2 months when this happened, but I had only been not feeling like having sex for about a month. The first month I was fine and we were awesome in that area... I'm curious, in your opinion would a month of no sex be long enough for him to feel the way you described he might have been feeling? But I can see what you're saying. I guess if it would have been the other way around I would have felt kinda the same way.

    • Personally I would be feeling really rejected in our relationship, after a full month of her not wanting me to touch her. I don't think it should be used as an excuse for what he did, but I do think that it played a role in his decision.

    • Thank you! I think hearing this from another man's point of view is helping me understand a little better. Like you said, I don't think it should be used an excuse to make what he did ok, but it does make it a little more understandable for me. When I asked why he did it he finally told me it was bc he wasn't getting what he needed, but I took it as just the sex part, not the love part... And that hurt bc I thought he understood that I just wasn't feeling good but it would pass. I thought he knew that I loved him and that I just wasn't feeling good at the time. I feel like he could have come to me and told me how he was feeling so I could try to fix it but maybe he didn't feel like he could? Idk. But I feel like understanding this a little better could really help me move on. Thank you for giving me an honest man's point of view :)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You need to be open to trust him. And he needs to be open to trust you.

    Are you willing to forgive him?

    For him to be so disconnected to you to go out and try and find a woman, there is a very serious disconnect, here.

    Are you open to him? Are you willing to be intimate with him? For you to turn down a man, it is not just for something that will make him feel good. You are essentially denying him as a male. You are saying he is not good enough. Do it enough, and he will end up with another woman.

    When you married him, you swore for the rest of your life you would share, and honor him. Are you?

    • I will admit that during that time of my pregnancy I wasn't giving him what he needed very much and turned him down more than I should have. But since then I have tried to be there and be willing everytime. As far as he knows our marriage is good right now. It's just that I'm having a hard time with my feelings and getting over what happened. I keep it to myself though. But I want to be able to move on from it.

    • You married a man that you loved. There was a reason he is the father of your child.

      Right now, there are tons of negative emotions that have invaded your soul... But there are good emotions, good memories, this man has been there for you, has loved you. Things are not good, but you can change it. You have to overcome the negativity in your heart. Remember the good man you married. Remember the man you love.

      Do you want him to repent in tears? Be his woman. Love him, care for him, be there for him not just in deed and action, but from your feminine heart. No man can resist and deny that, if it is from the bottom of your heart.

    • Thank you so much! Those are very encouraging words and I appreciate what you have said :)

What Girls Said 4

  • I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, my boyfriend says he wants to marry me ha! He has done a lot of things like that and even ditched me in public ect... I know it's horrible because your angry at them for making you feel worthless, and that your not enough. But the thing is I don't think it will ever go out of your mind, I guess you just have to be slightly happy it was just one thing, not a whole bunch of things. But still it is unforgivable. My boyfriend went on a dating site, and was trying to get to know someone on there behind my back, she looked the complete opposite of me basically his dream girl and that on top with other things make me feel like crap, I don't think no matter what he says it will go out of my head, I guess you just have to think the past is the past and like I said at least it was one mistake not a ton of them, really sorry to hear. Its so frustrating its like just love me and dont mess me around? why can't life be simple and not full of hurt meh. Men will never understand what the do!

    • I totally understand! I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much :( I hope that it gets better for you! I don't feel like anyone should ever have to go through this kind of hurt... But I guess it's the world we live in now huh? I am truly sorry for the things you are going through and I wish you the best

  • i just know that ultimatums never end well. i have never heard of a situation where both people in the relationship were completely happy and never had any other problems after an ultimatum. maybe try dating again? i know it sounds odd and childish considering you're married but sometimes you need to find that initial spark that made you two fall in love and decide to commit until "death do us part". so try courting again and see if you guys remember why you two were able to trust each other in the first place.

    • Thank you! I really like this idea :)

    • your welcome and i wish you guys the best of luck! :)

  • I don't blame u for being upset. I think to trust him you need to trust yourself. You can't control what another person does or doesn't do. But u can trust yourself to cope with whatever he does. Even though it's painful. I'm sure he cares about u and wants to keep his marriage and I'm sure he will put forth the effort.

    • Also if a man seeks sex with someone else u should know it's not about u not being enough, or not being attractive. It's all about him. Everytime.

    • Thank you! Your words made me feel a little better :) I will work on myself being strong enough to handle whatever happens

  • The guy that you gave best answer to had some great points. I normally like what he has to say , Even if I don't understand his profile picture. I know you gave him MH , Because he said the things that you wanted to hear in a way. But as a woman , You have every right to be upset. The men keep pointing out , You shouldn't with hold sex. Which is right , But if you're having problems while pregnant he needs to be understandable. Your body is going through changes , He also took vows that he broke because he was texting another woman. I'm not trying to put ideas in your head , Because I want marriages to work. But it's nothing wrong with following your instincts while trusting your husband , Wish you guys the best.

    • Thank you! I'm trying to be a little more understanding about all of it, but it's nice to hear that it's ok for me to have the feelings I do. I'm trying to move on but I'm sure these feelings will be with me for awhile, and that's ok as long as I'm trying to get over them. And it's nice to hear that he should have been more understanding towards me and what my body was going through at the time. Thank you :)