Islam: What is an 'urfi marriage? Should I have one?

There is this girl I have known for years and we started dating and things have been great so far. Everything has worked out, we have minimum disagreements, we are happy and trust each other. We are almost out of high school and will hopefully go to college/university close to each other. At least, that's what we are going to do. We are both very much in love and we are Sunni Muslims. I would like to be together with her for the long term, and she feels the same (although she is still a little uncertain because of guys in the past, she is worried I would leave her like the rest which I don't want to). Neither of us would like to be distracted from school so I plan to wait a few more years before I talk to her about marrying, but I read about an 'urfi marriage on line while looking for alternatives to the legal one. Our relationship has been secret because of personal family issues. I was wondering if somebody could explain what it is to me, how it works, what is needed to complete it, are there any restrictions (e. g. sexual activities), if it is legitimate in the eyes of Allah, how would a divorce work, and what would you recommend I do? I would prefer people who have some sort of experience in Islam to answer, especially with this topic.


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What Girls Said 1

  • Oh my God, it's such a shame that cute couple in love like you think you should wait until university schooling is over to be together when you can get properly and legally married right now?

    You said you love her. I'm giving you my honest thoughts because you seem to care about doing the right thing and care about and are aware of your cultural and religious upbringing and values.

    Urfi marriage is not right for u because she will not have her rights since the marriage is not legal or public which puts her in particular in an awful situation. Imagine if she got pregnant? And if her family find out about you they will hate you forever as the man who "tricked their daughter into an urfi marriage" which pretty much dishonors her. Urfi marriages is the equivalent of these boys who give their girlfriends "promise rings; which are pretty much BS promises in most cases. No one can recognize it as a marriage, therefore, cannot be given the right to divorce status legally either, and if you impregnate her, most people will see it as an "illegitimate child" out of wedlock. so if you love her, do you really want to rob her from these rights and privileges of a proper marriage? Or even rob yourself and both of your families of the joy and love of the union? It will devastate both of your families if it's found out.

    You deserve to be together and enjoy each other but in a way that is secure for both of you and respectful and mindful of the reality that you would have to face. reality can be devastating after Urfi marriage because it's seen as a cheap excuse to sleep together. Common law partners have more rights than a couple of urfi marriages. Urfi marriage is only like a boyfriend-girlfriend commitment. not islamic, not secure for her, and something to taint both of your futures with especially if one day you two go your separate ways.

    So, I strongly think it's a bad idea. I'd think it a genius idea for you to ask for her hand in legal marriage right way, not give up, and to get married ASAP even if on a measly $100 budget. Don't let the idea of an expensive big wedding scare you, they are ways to make couples think they need to spend money and that's not what marriages are about.

    Getting married legally this way will be a bigger expression of your love and commitment. You will feel different about it, much better, and so will she, and so will your families. You'd be able to enjoy each other and live publicly at ease together. She deserves this and so do you

    • Really? I didn't know all of this, thank you for your feedback!! I think she would like to become a medical doctor, she is still undecided but I think all "brown" people know that kind of pressure. I would rather not distract her from school because if God-Forbid we must separate I would like her to have a successful future. When we are married I would like to make her dreams come true and make her happier than any other man could. I still hope we are able to go to a college/university together or close to each other. I will not give up on her, letting go of her seems unimaginable, but it seems so hard to be married so young before schooling is finished. I am unsure of her side of the family, but my family will never approve of such a thing until I am at least finished with schooling.

What Guys Said 1

  • if i remember well @chocolateismylover is a sunni muslim... u can ask her

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