Am I too picky?

I've dates this girl for over 18 months now. She's brilliant, beautiful, sweet natured, large breasted, genuinely cares about me, loves to play video games, etc. Seems perfect...

BUT, she doesn't like to kiss (she thinks saliva is gross), she's not very affectionate or huggy, she's extremely anxious about nearly everything in life, she has very low self esteem, and our sex life dropped from daily to monthly due to environmental factors and high stress in her life (at least that's what it seems like and she tells me).

This girl is wonderful, but she comes with a lot of emotional baggage. I worry that things won't get better due to the nature of her personality. If we get married, will she be so worried about everything that it will just make life depressing? I'm on the fence between optimist and pessimist, and she's a definite pessimist. My mother does not like her, not as a person, but as "not the right one for me" she thinks the girl isn't warm enough for me.

I don't know what to do. I'm the happiest and saddest with her. I can honestly say that I have had both extremes with her. I've honestly thought about proposing to her in a year. Sometimes this thought makes me filled with joy and excitement, and other times I want to cry. I feel like I'm settling sometimes, and I don't want to bear the burden of her anxieties all the time.

Does anyone have similar stories? Advice? Suggestions? Anything?

As far as age goes, we're both 24 soon to be 25 this year


Most Helpful Girl

  • First, you are being a good boyfriend trying to understand your girlfriend's emotional needs. Not everyone can be so understanding or patient about stuff like this.

    Having said that, I totally understand what you are going through. And I am going to speak to you from my own experience. Here are the signs that I see and questions that are brought on:

    1) Do you know how she was with her previous relationships? I'm saying this because emotional baggages don't just rise by themselves. They are caused by PTS (post traumatic syndrome) resulted from some unfortunate experiences. Did someone such as a boyfriend, a friend, or a family member leave her by any chance? This, unfortunately, triggers almost 100% of the time, some self-esteem problems.

    2) Do you know if she's always had a problem with kissing or is this something that she started with you?

    3) What are the stress factors in her life at the moment? Work, school, family, friends? Has she talked about them with you? In other words, has she come to you for support?

    4) You've been with her for over 18 months. Have you started seeing these problems just recently or from the beginning?

    In any event, I would highly recommend (and this is the 1st time I ever actually recommend anything) that you wait. I'm not saying that you should not propose to her, but a marriage is a huge step. I can read from your writing that you do in fact have doubts about your future with her and that you feel that you may be settling if you continue. I unfortunately made a mistake of ignoring any issues that I had felt deep down and went ahead and married a person who apparently had a history of emotional problems, and I suffered a great deal from it.

    If you feel so strongly about the person that you are sure that you will be able to stand by no matter what, then it is a blessing. If you do have any doubts, then you will by all means need to talk it over with the person and figure out what you two can do to help resolve some of the issues.

    Good luck!


    • To answer your questions:

      1) Yes to all, her parents were emotionally harmful and her two previous serious relationships were harmful

      2) She says always, I'm not 100% sure, but she rarely lies, so I would say always.

      3) All of the above, school and work are high stress, mother remarried, friends are hitting on her or not there for her, and she comes to me for all of it

      4) These problems appeared at different stages, first month, 6th month, 1 year, and even now.

      I'm barely able to deal with it.

    • Thanks for sharing and your answers. I know it's hard. Those problems appear to be beyond your help. You can continue to support her as you love and care for her, but if all becomes too overwhelming to you, then you have the right idea by giving her some space and giving you some break at the same time. You are correct in that you can't change who she is at this point.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Talk to her about it.girls like it when guys are completely honest.tell her you care about her and love her, and you wanna spend time with her.and just give her some space, she may need it.

    • I have talked to her in the past. She usually tries to make me happy, but have you ever had a forced hug? When you're sad and someone is like *pat* *pat* "there there" - it's just not the same as a warm hug. I can't change who she is.

What Guys Said 2

  • Honestly, don't expect her to change. Yeah people sometimes do a 180 and change their life around, but I've found that to be the exception not the rule.

    I was in a long term relationship similar to yours when I was in my early 20's, in fact some of what you described reminded me of my own relationship. Eventually, I just had enough. I couldn't take her attitude anymore and told her things had to change or we were done. Well, things didn't change so I walked away and that was a great decision for me. In fact, looking back I should've ended things much sooner then that.

    Since then I suppose you could say I got more and more picky with my relationships. It may sound like a bad thing, but if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone then you should make sure it's someone you actually would enjoy spending that time with. Plus, with each relationship you learn and apply that to your next one until you meet someone you actually want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Also, if you have a good relationship with your parents/mom then listen to their advice. They have experience and generally want what's best for you.

    • I've become less picky over time - lol. My mom usually has good advice, but this was the first time she just didn't like someone for no real good reason, she seems to fish for reasons, and the "coldness" is the one she likes to stick with. My mom liked my previous girlfriend, and she ended up cheating on me.

      You're right about enjoying the time. I need to think about this. Due to stress and school, I'll see how summer goes.

  • i don't know this is a very tough call , but at your age there might not be any harm in dating / meeting some other people at some point . now I'm saying drop this one entirely just see what else is out there as your not married to her yet and nothing that says you can't at least meet some other girls your age . and see if you find these other girls are better or worse for you when compared to her .

    • You're right, I should go out and be social. No reason to stay locked in.