Just got married and my wife has admitted to me that she has a longtime boyfriend who she's in an open relationship with. How can I handle this?

last week my wife came out to me, admitting she has a longtime boyfriend (about 8 years) who's she has an open relationship with. Breaking down and crying when she admitted it to me, I was stunned and didn't know how I should have reacted. Rather then blow up and demand a divorce, we have taken some space as I sort all this out. We've been a couple for three years before we got married last month. Please don't tell me I should just divorce her, much more complicated as she's the love of my life and don't want to lose her. She also told me the same thing, but said breaking up with her boyfriend also would be impossible. He consented to the marriage asking for permission.) of a marriage proposal at some point with a man. Told me she had his permission. When I asked why she could not come clean with this I was told that "I didn't want to lose you and felt you would leave me right away, was scared."

Very hard to just "divorce her!" As she's become such an important part of my life. Is there a specific way I can handle this, or finding a way to work it out without divorcing her, or will this implode? Not sure who this man is or how she had been able to keep this secret for so long.


Most Helpful Girl

  • So if I'm understanding this right, your wife wants to have her cake & eat it too... as in stay married to you, but keep the boyfriend on the side?

    So stop... Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:
    Is this something you can live with?
    Is this what your definition of marriage is?
    Is this something that YOU want? To share your wife with another man?

    Your answers, how did they make your gut feel? The area of your solar plexus (if you know what that is).

    You say divorcing is very hard, but if your answers to my above questions were "no", then staying in this marriage will be even harder. And the subsequent divorce will be that much harder farther down the road.

    It all boils down to respect.
    1) Her huge LACK of respect for you. She's known all along that being with you while keeping her other guy was wrong. She knew exactly what she was doing when she accepted your proposal. She knew she was lying when she said her vows. Don't buy into her break down & tears. She's a liar and doesn't respect you or your relationship, period. Don't let her guilt make you feel for her. The WHOLE time she's been with you, she's had this other guy. This is the definition of betrayal.
    2) Your respect for yourself. You can love someone with all of your heart, but you MUST love yourself more. It will never feel good to remain in this marriage knowing that she's got another man. NEVER. Imagine, living day after day with that knowledge in the back of your head everyday. Most people would turn to alcohol or drugs to escape that knowledge being in their face all the time.

    Realize that the love you have for her is not actually for HER. You love the person you thought she was. The person she truly is, you don't really know her because she's never been honest with you.

    • ^^ this x 100000000000000

      and, @ljham is nice and polite enough to not even point out the fact that YOUR OWN WIFE has to get "PERMISSION" from anoth... hahahahhah omg lmaoooo I can't even finish writing that sentence dude.

      If this is trolling... it's A+ level trolling. Well played.

      If it's NOT trolling... uh... I...
      Dude, I can't even.

      Srsly, just walk.

      Get the fuck out of there.

      You are at the absolute bottom of the hole. ANY direction you walk, will take you up. Any direction at all.
      Except standing still, at the bottom of the hole.

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    • Asker, while I agree with some of the general sentiments of redeye, I don't condone the delivery. There is no need to kick a man while he's down. I'm brutally honest with my personal friends, but I use a more diplomatic approach with strangers on the Internet.

      As for your situation, you've definitely gotten yourself into a pickle. I've had serious rose-colored glasses on myself with a prior boyfriend that kept me hanging on for almost 20 years. If I could go back with the knowledge I now possess and do it all over, you bet your ass I wouldn't have allowed myself to get so swallowed up with the feelings I felt for him. The biggest thing my path with him has taught me is self-respect, which is why I'm preaching it to you. You're probably so immersed in emotions right now you can't even see how you're disrespecting yourself by staying in this relationship. But the honest to God truth of it all - YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve a person who will love you and you exclusively.

    • It will take you a while to sort yourself out with this relationship. It may even take you years before you can look back at it all and fully understand what happened, and what you learned from it. I really suggest letting go of any romantic, cliche notion like, "You're meant to be together", or "She's the only one I could ever love". These are just ideologies that sell movies & tv shows. Love means respect... from both parties... for yourself... and for each other... mutually. You simply do NOT have respect from this girl.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • Why are you making excuses for her lying to you?

    I wonder why did she marry you for? Financial security? But you got screwed really good by her and she comes out with melodramatic story how she is still owned by her boyfriend. Sounds like a true sub with no backbone at all.

    • It wasn't anything about being "owned" but about being open with each other and her involvement with me and how deep it became he didn't (according to her) want her to feel pressure and to be happy. But she's fully admitting her guilt of not coming clean to me in the first place, and working out that is what I care about first and foremost!

      Inlove her and believe in second chances, talking and working things out, even for this.!! If this sounds horrible and "beta" ish I'm sorry you and I (including others) feel so strongly against it.

  • You need to grow up. You clearly aren't okay with her being with her boyfriend. She sounds like she's trying to have her cake and eat it, too. I don't believe that it's impossible for her to leave her boyfriend. She just doesn't want to. And she wants you to be okay with sharing her.

    • That may indeed be her intention, hoping I'd be open to their "open relationship" as she's finally admitted her situation to me. But as far as telling me I need to grow up.. that's ludacris and quite. Judgment to make on a first impression. Most children will fly off the handle and irrationally cause a major confrontation of a temper tantrum. I'm an adult and can think for myself and make my own decisions, just not rash ones. One of the reasons i asked this questions on GAG.

    • I can think for myself... yet you end your statement with 'One of the reasons I asked this questions on GAG'. That's a contradiction.

      And you do need to grow up. Either be okay with it or leave her. There's no middle ground. Time to be an adult and do what's best for you. What's best for you isn't necessarily what you want, but again, part of being an adult. I would think, as an adult, that would be pretty obvious.

    • I'd say she deserves a serious ass whipping. I can assure you that most men I know would batter her for this. Frankly, I don't condone men hitting women. However, I'd never convict a man for doing it in this instance.

  • Tf, I'm sorry you just married a lying, deceitful , narcissistic Bitch. Why would you ever want to stay married to someone like that?

    • I never said I would absolutely stay married to her, but honestly to just throw divorce papers at her after everything and how our relationship has evolved over time is to harsh to just do outright. It may end up that we do in fact get a divorce, however I'm not going to say that indefinitely, at the very second I heard what she said. It's more complicated then you or others think.

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    • @LJHam LJHam-Well stated.

What Guys Said 14

  • Well your marriage is off to a great start then huh? She's already keeping things from you. Why did she wait until you were married to tell you this? This should have been discussed before you got married. I'd be very upset by this and wonder what else she's keeping from me or would keep from me in the future. Sounds like you married the wrong woman.

    • No kidding, however I feel it is more complicated then it seems in terms of her feelings. Perhaps she does indeed want to "have her cake and eat it too"

    • What have you decided? I say divorce her very brutally, I mean crush her like the
      cockroach that she is. And find someone worth of you. You deserve it.

  • media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/.../...e48e7959f979.jpg

    You have to have some self- respect for yourself. She is bullshitting you. You really think you are the love of her life when she is banging another guy the whole time you've been together and asked for PERMISSION from that boyfriend to marry you. Grow a pair and divorce her. It it be hard for you. Yes it seems that way. But you are selling yourself short if you allow yourself to find a rational way of sharing your wife for the rest of your life.

    • "Don't let your emotions make you their bitch" --- I LOVE THAT! LOL

  • Can't believe anybody would really allow themselves to be in this position, but on the 1% chance this is true, I will say that @LJHam hit is exactly on the head. Then @redeyemindtricks added perfectly. The only thing I would add is that in her way, she is "married" to her boyfriend. He gave her permission to date you, and he gave her permission to marry you. If you still feel good about the marriage after seeing it this way, then you deserve what you will be getting. Otherwise, get the fuck out!!!

    • That's the most aggravating thing about it, that it would be concealed for so long despite our connection to each other through the evolution of our relationship. If she, as she stated is indeed in an open relationship, it obviously wasn't really open in the first place... It will probably end up with me serving her divorce papers anyway.

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    • @Marinepilot believe me, that's a major point I've taken into consideration for sure.

    • I'm sure you have. You're grown and can do what you want. I would divorce her, humiliate, debase her and treat l\ad horribly as I know how. I'd crush her spirit and make her grovel
      like a puppy who just shit the floor ! But that's me. Marines are very pragmatic and we're
      trained to act or react quickly with force if need be. I've heard of this happening, but I've never seen it. Good luck to you. I think you know what you're going to do.

  • If her "breaking up with her boyfriend is impossible", then u need to get this marriage annulled ASAP!

    • It sounds like u aren't into an open marriage, so don't be a pussywhipped little bitch and accept an unfair deal like this.

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    • Dump her sorry ass !

    • Nad you believe that? How naïve can you be?

  • Sounds like you have a free pass to fuck as many woman as your want

  • Can you accept an open or semi open marriage (a ménage à trois)?

    • Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I've asked the question of myself. There are many open or semi open marriages/relationships out there and if the situation could possibly work out, am not opposed to the idea. However what needs to happen is a full disclosure and long talk about this kind of stuff. All of which is true, though judging by most of the posts and the firing squad that I've been subjected to seems wrong by most people's "standards"

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    • What do you prefer: to lose her or to share her?

    • Well not sure I'd say religeous however more self righteous in their beliefs and opinions of others based upon what has a religeous origin.

      Honestly I really don't want to lose her, we've been together for a while now and being married makes me feel more connected. She has become more open with me as well during our communications.

      Never considered an open marriage situation until more recently, but if it can work, save both our marriage and feelings. Avoiding the agonizing pain and anguish of divorce then yes a semi open marriage could work. A lot to consider for sure.

  • "she's the love of my life and don't want to lose her. She also told me the same thing, but said breaking up with her boyfriend also would be impossible."

    Dude, you never had her in order to lose her. Not to mention you married a pathological liar.

  • Dump that no good cunt right now ! Ask her boyfriend's permission to marry you? And you
    tolerate that? How fucking beta/omega can you
    be? Get the fuck rid of that wretched piece of
    shit now !

  • You had a life before your wife. I know it might seem impossible now. But you have to move forward man. Sorry, she really is just using you. Your true love is still out there, waiting. It isn't her. If she was, she wouldve respected your vows. Leave man, you're going to destroy yourself in the long run- and in the process destroy your friends and family as well as they watch you slip into severe depression.

  • Dont be a wuss. Just dump her. She said breaking up with him would be impossible. What more do you want to know..

  • If you don't divorce her you really deserve all the horrible things ahead of you. There's no other way about it. You walked into a bad situation, and it's going to ruin your life if you don't get out while you still can.

  • I guess if you really love her and want to be with her and don't want to lose her and just let her continue doing it.

  • Yikes, sorry that happened man. I dk what to tell ya. it's kind of up to you on what you want to do. we can't tell you what you should do

  • So you're okay with another man fucking your wife and treating her like a slut, cumming inside her pussy. Another man's dick giving your wife, the future mother of your children, orgasms? To eat your wife's pussy when minutes before, another man came inside her? Kiss her lips when another man had her sucking his dick? You poor poor fool. "Daddy, why does mommy have sex with the other man?"

    "At least my mom isn't a whore like your mom!" Is what your kids will hear on the playground. "Your moms a slut" And if this other man video tapes the two of them fucking? "I saw your slut mom being fucked by another guy who's not your dad. I guess your dad is just a little bitch who can't satisfy a woman, huh?" DIVORCE HER AND FIND A WOMAN WHO ACTUALLY LOVES YOU!!! Unless you're okay with your wife sucking and fucking another guys dick as he just violates her as she screams in pleasure.