last week my wife came out to me, admitting she has a longtime boyfriend (about 8 years) who's she has an open relationship with. Breaking down and crying when she admitted it to me, I was stunned and didn't know how I should have reacted. Rather then blow up and demand a divorce, we have taken some space as I sort all this out. We've been a couple for three years before we got married last month. Please don't tell me I should just divorce her, much more complicated as she's the love of my life and don't want to lose her. She also told me the same thing, but said breaking up with her boyfriend also would be impossible. He consented to the marriage asking for permission.) of a marriage proposal at some point with a man. Told me she had his permission. When I asked why she could not come clean with this I was told that "I didn't want to lose you and felt you would leave me right away, was scared."
Very hard to just "divorce her!" As she's become such an important part of my life. Is there a specific way I can handle this, or finding a way to work it out without divorcing her, or will this implode? Not sure who this man is or how she had been able to keep this secret for so long.
Most Helpful Girl
So if I'm understanding this right, your wife wants to have her cake & eat it too... as in stay married to you, but keep the boyfriend on the side?
So stop... Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:
Is this something you can live with?
Is this what your definition of marriage is?
Is this something that YOU want? To share your wife with another man?
Your answers, how did they make your gut feel? The area of your solar plexus (if you know what that is).
You say divorcing is very hard, but if your answers to my above questions were "no", then staying in this marriage will be even harder. And the subsequent divorce will be that much harder farther down the road.
It all boils down to respect.
1) Her huge LACK of respect for you. She's known all along that being with you while keeping her other guy was wrong. She knew exactly what she was doing when she accepted your proposal. She knew she was lying when she said her vows. Don't buy into her break down & tears. She's a liar and doesn't respect you or your relationship, period. Don't let her guilt make you feel for her. The WHOLE time she's been with you, she's had this other guy. This is the definition of betrayal.
2) Your respect for yourself. You can love someone with all of your heart, but you MUST love yourself more. It will never feel good to remain in this marriage knowing that she's got another man. NEVER. Imagine, living day after day with that knowledge in the back of your head everyday. Most people would turn to alcohol or drugs to escape that knowledge being in their face all the time.
Realize that the love you have for her is not actually for HER. You love the person you thought she was. The person she truly is, you don't really know her because she's never been honest with you.8
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