Does he want to marry me or not?

In short, it's great. All great. We live together and are best of friends. We've both been divorced and maybe therein lies the problem.

Recently he talks marriage a lot. Excitedly tells me how his family are asking when we're getting married, teases me when he sees a jewelry brochure "you trying to hint at something" he says. I coyly retreat. I would never want to pressure him but always thought one day, yes I will be his wife. He refers to me hypothetically as his wife when we talk about the future.

Then yesterday a wedding invite arrived and he said "I won't be going there again" like he was talking to a friend in a bar. Almost proud somehow. It hit me like a freight train. I was like "oh, never? I used to think that too". I backed off right there but inside my heart was breaking. I could tell he wanted to say something but I couldn't listen. I have questioned whether my amazing man loves me like I do him even though I know he does every single day.

I have since wondered whether he was trying to save face. Maybe in trying not to seem too keen and put any pressure on, I seem like I don't want it. I just don't know. I do know that he would never intentionally set out to hurt me and he fears losing me. I don't want to pressure him by bringing it up but I need to know for my sanity if I'm heading in a different direction.

Should it matter? Maybe not but I'm heading for 40 and in my opinion too old to be someone's girlfriend. I long for a real unity between us and it hurts me to think he may not.

Thanks guys


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What Guys Said 2

  • Why would it matter? What would marriage do that you can't do in some other way?

    • I see marriage as the ultimate bond that unites two people. Why is that so important? I feel less than real as a couple, like we're not as committed.

    • You are mistaken. Marriage has nothing to do with love or commitment.

      Marriage is nothing more nor less than a business partnership, one whose operating agreement, its terms, is dictated by the state, with limited ability for the partners to modify the agreement. Most of those terms can be obtained with agreements between the partners that do not involve the state. The government taxes and doles out benefits to these partnerships differently than those who have not accepted the state's terms.

      I know people who are specifically not married because their taxes will go up or their benefits will go down; and I know people who specifically are married because their taxes are lower and their benefits higher. All because marriage is arbitrary.

      When someone says "I don't want to get married" what he means is that he is not willing to accept the government terms for the partnership.

      And in the end, marriage is only about money. If you don't believe, sit in on a divorce court.

  • Id say he does want to marry you


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