You're a 56-year-old man: Would you rather be with a homely woman in her 50s or a sexy woman in her 30s?

[cajoi]

I agree with wicksjm in that we have feelings for more than one person in different ways. I don't however agree that this guy doesn't know what he wants. I think he knows, but unfortunately, he can't have it that way. In my humble opinion, this guy wants to have it all. He wants the "good, respectable, wife", (this is not to say that you don't embody any of those qualities) but if he is that concerned about how his image is perceived within the church, he's going to want to marry a person that isn't going to...shake things up, so to speak.

But, he also wants you. You represent everything exotic, everything taboo--that he will probably never get from his wife. Especially, if she is very active in her religion as he claims he is. Just think about it. you two go out, you have fun, and you have an illicit sexual relationship. It's probably all very exciting to him because of it's illicitness and if he marries you...he's just not going to get that excitement anymore. So, he continues to string you along, saying things that will keep you hopeful enough to continue to have a relationship with him even though he has no intention of ever leaving his wife.

He wants to have the more platonic married life with his wife, and the exciting, passionate, more sexual relationship with you. So, while he's having his cake and eating it too---you and his wife are the ones who suffer because each of you, in your own way, deeply care for this man even though he clearly doesn't deserve it.

My advice? Don't hurt yourself anymore. Keeping in contact with this guy isn't going to help you get over him any sooner and a sexual relationship with you isn't going to make him leave his wife-to-be. If he's concerned with image to the point where he would willingly marry someone who doesn't satisfy all his needs---you leave him to it. There is no reason that you both should come out of this unhappy. Take the lesson that needs to be learned here and move on. You sound like you have a lot going for you in life, and you shouldn't waste your time with a man that won't give you the respect you deserve.

[wicksjm]

I don't think anyone is going to judge you or him. We are mealy giving our opinions. Unfortunately, this guy doesn't know what he wants. He likes being the center of both your attention and likes having his cake and definitely eating it too. He doesn't seem like a bad guy (don't want you to think I'm calling him a bad guy) but he's human and sometimes we as humans have feelings for more than one person in different ways. I don't like the fact that he has not been honest with you and only fessed up when you confronted him. He's 56 and should have the decency to be more direct and honest with you and his feelings.

I was once in your exact situation (the only thing is the sex actually was not that good but anyway...LOL!) The point is I know where you are coming from. I had to be the adult and bow out gracefully. Even though I am single now, I knew that if I continued to see the man I was seeing. Nothing but pain and guilt would have come out of the situation. I knew that I knew better than that and I was put on this earth to be happy with a Single Available man and so do you! All the best.

[Anonymous]

Well, the sad truth is that players can continue to play even into their 50's and 60's. The other sad truth is that guys marry who they feel looks the part of the "wife", not who is the sexiest. Hey, I have dated several guys who thought I was the sexiest thing around, but they did not become my boyfriends, even when we had a lot of fun together and enjoyed each others company. He may have simply not been interested in what a 36 year old wife would expect from him or all the gossip over your age difference. Some men actually prefer to not have a sexy wife. They are too insecure for that. They worry one day you will leave them for someone younger. In any case, he didn't even care enough to talk to you and try to figure how to be with you and not her, so that says it all.

I have no doubt this guy will come back to calling you and trying to have fun on the side. He is, sadly, a user. He is trying to portray a certain image while still having the fun he wants. I hope you will have the strength to see him for the person he is and not participate in adultery when he does contact you. Good luck.

[Mahalko]

From your degree of literacy, you seem more intelligent than others. From your degree in focus on 'superficial' things (looks, materialistic things, comparison with this woman) in this brief description, I dare to say you should know better too than to be infatuated still.

Not wanting to sound judgemental in the least, but you seem to crave some emotional stability somehow in your life and he has been and is abusing that. You can turn it around as much as you like, but this thing will not have a future. Unless you're okay to be a mistress for the rest of your life - I guess that works for some?

As to understanding: I'm sure he finds things in you - other than sexual - which he doesn't have in the other; obviously he wants both and continues to go for both no matter what (morality, respect for both women,...) - I only know this behavior from spoilt children. And yea, children can be cruel; expect one of you women to get hurt badly soon, as, unless you're fine with the mistress thing, he will be forced to grow up fast!

Summary: he's still a child, and he got two toys (I didn't say you were *only* a sex toy!). He will be forced to throw one away soon. It's probably because of the 'child in him', that the age seemed less of an issue. Out of your own self-respect, force him to choose and stick to it. I'm very well aware you must feel victimised - you have a lot going for you in life apparently, please find someone who is worthy of you. You're not telling me you haven't heard this cliche before, but it is true..

Also, it's a small town, you don't want to draw a bad image over you, he obviously won't..

For one part, allow me to be judgemental: this guy is not worth any church (and no I'm not that religious..I just dislike fakers with a passion!)

[goldenheartone2]

You are very bright and astute woman but you allowed the oldest game in the book to be played on you. The man was upfront and told you he was seeing someone and against your better judgment to walk away early on in the friendship , you allowed him to mesmerize you, swoon you into his love nest. He now has his cake and ice cream and form the way it is looking he is going to get the cherry on top. I guess the question you must ask yourself is why do you settle ..? You mention others compared to him are losers and yes I am sure for every 10 to 15 guys that is true but there is ' The Guy " who changes all of that if you open your heart and mind to what is good for you. There is a saying that do not become an option for others when you know you need to be a priority. The hardest thing you will do is to walk away but I want you to know it will be the best thing you can do for you... Men like this have made a life off of shuffling women and just because he been honest with you about his dilemma he choose his reality now it is time for you to do the same... There is a book by Erich Fromm " The Art Of Loving ". I want you to know this book has changed my thinking on love and how to treat that special someone... You can google the title " The Art Of Loving "and get a major excerpt of the book. This quote reminds me of how I view myself and the person I'm looking for..."If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy." Are you worthy..?

[Riksounds]

He will soon discover his mistake and will regret it! he will be back but you need to set rules so you do not get burned! As a male myself in a intimacy free relationship and a few years younger than he, I can tell you that marriage is not necessarily a great idea! Even as a younger man, if I knew then what I know now, I would have never married! Falling in love is so amazing yet when one gets married complacency follows! It always does! Today, more women than men cheat (Look it up!) and over 74% of divorces are enacted by the wife! The biggest reason is the need for more sexual partners! The mundaneness of the same person and the lack of excitement along with the fact that instinctively, women DO in fact need multiple lovers! If more men understood this then knowing what a cuckold relationship can do for a marriage is phenomenal! Those who have considered this lifestyle have either been extremely happy and delighted or fell out of the marriage because of jealousy and or insecurity which is somewhat normal for a male with a strong ego! I wish you so much luck with this and hope you have what makes you happy!

[l-hedoniste]

Read this passage very carefully:

"She's 53, dresses & wears makeup like it's the 1980s with no modern sense of style & isn't sexy or really even remotely attractive...she seemed boring & they didn't appear to have much of a sexual relationship, if at all, because they never spent the night together. I was sure she didn't stand a chance against me."

Imagine you were a stranger overhearing this in a restaurant. What would he think of the woman who said this? What kind of date would he think she would be? What kind of *wife* would he think she would be?

If it were me, *it wouldn't matter how she looked*, she would be utterly undateable. Wouldn't go near her, and I would consider avoiding her friends.

Think about why.

[Brianna987]

I'd say the question you asked has been answered to you by him - yes, he'd rather marry a homely woman in her 50s than a sexy woman in her 30s. But that's really not an issue here. I'd say a real issue for you is that you most probably have a certain degree of addiction to this man. I'd recommend an excellent book I just read - (and in case this gets deleted by moderators, I'll find a way to pass this info onto you) "How to break your addiction to a person". Look it up on Amazon, absolutely great book

[Mrs_MHz]

He obviously picked her over you, if you're not good enough for him and his *image* then you don't need to be with him. On top of that, would you want to be with someone like that? I was always told and thru xperience have seen it be true, that if a man does it to one woman he'll do it to all. So chances are if you got with him he might do the same ugly thing to you that he's doing to this woman. He should be ashamed of himself, that's disgusting. Going to get the marriage license after sleeping with you? There's something wrong with this man. He is a fake.

How much can really say about him and how much of what he says can you believe if he's pretending for his church image? I mean really you get involved in the church because its what you feel is true because its what you believe not because it gives you a certain image of a good person. If he's pretending to be what it socially deemed 'good' then he's not good.

[ArizonaRX]

First I'd like to commend you on a very nicely written thread. It's a pleasure to read and very articulated.

My only submission to this thread is that I can bet dollars to donuts that he wishes he was relatively the same age as you. I think he does genuinely love you and loves being with you. The age gap on some levels is exciting to him and obviously you, but it's a great difference that is obviously something he does care enough about. He got married to someone his own age. Someone that is in the same part of life that he is in. Essentially, he has two lives. He has a young life with you and a older life with his new wife. He's getting satisfied on both ends.

All that being said, "It's not a great position for you to be in because you obviously love him and have to "share" his time with his "WIFE".

I guess until now you've allowed him to have his cake and eat it too. You need to decide how long you are going to enable that situation for your own mental health.

[QueenKatie]

I'm sure you're an amazing, attractive lover for this guy... but have you considered that guys sometimes want more than sex in a partner? Especially as they get older. Perhaps the staid, ugly and apparently boring woman is a better companion for him on a daily basis. Perhaps she has a special intellectual spark, or cooks restaurant-quality food, or comforts him when he is down and makes him feel safe, or is incredibly giving and wonderful to those around her? People marry others for all sorts of reasons that aren't just about sex.

Whatever the reason, both she and you deserve far better than this man. Stop hurting yourself, and find a guy who will commit to you wholeheartedly. That's what you (and she) deserve.

[Oddjob]

"He slept with me 9 days before the wedding & I found out he got out of bed with me that morning & met her to apply for their marriage license"... He is active in his church and likes to maintain a certain image"

I'm sorry, but what else do you need to know about this guy?

However charming he may be, however attracted to him you may be, whatever good you think you see in him... This guy is a player. He is dishonest and a hypocrite.

F**k him and the rabid, syphyllitic horse he rode in on.

Who knows what else he has going on the side?

Have you gotten checked for STDs recently?

[shf84]

The guy is playing you both. He want's the other woman because she is his age and speaks his language. As an older guy I can tell you for a fact that women 12 years or more younger than me may be pretty and into the latest styles and all that crap but that means sh*t. They don't have the experience. You learn and develop as you age, you began to understand things, figure things out

and you want someone who has also figured things out. If you ask me this guy used you as a booty call, saw a pretty younger woman who was into him and acted like he belonged in a barn yard. I hope the other woman finds out what he did and takes every thing the piece of sh*t owns.

this behavior is also typical of men from his generation.

[Anonymous]

Now I understand teenagers but you would think a 36 y/o would know a little better. Take note how all you say about yourself is how you look and how successful you are. and how you down this older woman by the way she looks. Maybe he just has a better chemistry with her? On top of that being involved with a man who is with another woman not smart. Should of ended it then and there. If he is willing to have sex with you 9 days before the marriage. He obviously has no emotional bearings isn't worth the time.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he was attracted to tother things about this woman. Maybe he felt he had more of a future with her and that she complimented his lifestyle and just sees you as a f*** buddy? I'm not a 56 year old man, but my father is a widowed 52 year old man lol and he said he would not date a woman in her 30s seriously because what can she really offer him? He said he wants someone more compatible with him and that is usually a woman in his age bracket with similar lifestyles. That could be why this guy is officially with her.

[willytheg]

You might be drawn to him because he is unattainable. He is probably weighing the long term options. Hot babe who I want to f*** and. unbelievably enough, wants to f*** me OR someone I have known for a while, who has similar interests, that I want to spend my life with. I should give you my number.

[jessemohawk]

Stop giving the milk away for free. If you love yourself and want to be a married woman then why act like a swinger. The other woman is giving him a life that he wants. While you are supplying the sex. Looks like he gets both worlds, unfortunately that makes him a Liar. He is being decietful to his wife and you want to continue on giving your sacred love away at whim to an undeservable. Stop fighting for Daddys love and let him get back to mommy. Look back at all the choices you made, all the red flags you saw in the beginning. I think that you don't want a decent relationship that's why you have been making these choices. Ask yourself this very important question: What do you really want in life and in a relationship? Good luck, Jesse

[thacey]

He probably thinks you are one of his dream women. He finds you very attractive and probably likes what you do together. But think about it, why do you like him if he is so much older? If you could have younger more attractive guys? It's because you love him and can't help it. Well that is the way he feels about her. Although he comes to you for sexual relations because you are more attractive and willing. As hard as it is, you should move on, if his wife ever found out she would be heartbroken.

[kevin15776]

How can he behave this way? I think you answered your own question when you said he "likes to maintain a certain image and she fits that." He's definitely not ready to marry. He even admitted he may have made a huge mistake. He may be a nice guy who help fix your boat, but he's a cheater. How do you know there's not a 26 year old he's also seeing? This can only end poorly.

[Simple-Simonette]

He may be more emotionally compatible with her and just enjoys the sex with you. I think you underestimate the value of a mature woman. There is more to a partner than hotness and chemistry - maybe he prefers her overall company.

Either way, he sounds like a jackas* and I honestly don't think he deserves his fiance.

You should make her aware of his extra curricular activities and give her an opportunity to live her life free from deceit.

You guys pretty much deserve each other ...

[NirvanaChic]

i wouldn't hang around him anymore..seems to me he's just using you. you're just wasting your time. and don't be a home wrecker..he's married. don't try to legitimize this affair by thinking you're better than her, and more deserving (based on your looks). shame..

[stalinhornsby]

What is not being addressed is how this man is providing for the other woman. I can say that my Mother is 66 and she always has that one guy friend that she spends time with and makes business deals with or builds a house with or buys property with. Although, hey sweetness you are the cat's meow in this story.

[jacquesvol]

Forget him and look around, there's plenty of fish in the sea:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPk5wHb8UPo

Lyrics here: link

[lefthand]

Actually, I perfectly understand his position. It takes people awhile to get used to the idea that affection doesn't have to be a sum zero game.

No one can be everything to someone else, there is always going to be some area that isn't covered completely. While you have some of his interest, that doesn't mean you can usurp his other lovers place in his heart.

[Standingpretty]

It's hard to deal with a guy who only cares about his reputation. It sounds like he's only with her to impress his church crowd,which, makes this guy an idiot because the whole point of going to church in the first place is to be a better person by gods standards. You may make him feel good, but your not good enough for his church crowd. I would say it's just bad luck that you ended up tied to someone like him.