Married vs Married?

Hi. Thanks in advance for your help. 10,000 internet to all who read this in full AND reply.

I married my husband three years ago. About six months later, I found evidence of sex chats he was having with three or four women whilst he was unemployed (due to redundancy.) Of course, he told them he was single and had just gotten out of a relationship. Naturally, I was upset but literally forgave him that night because I was pretty sure he hadn't met them in person, and I knew he was feeling pretty depressed.

Then we stopped having sex. Our sex life ended around October 2007. We had sex once in 2008 and that's truly the last time. I tried many times to seduce him into sex with me but no chance. He has been to different doctors and a specialist who has in turn referred him to a psychotherapist. He doesn't act bothered about it and it's pretty clear he's only doing it for me. I've racked my brain trying to understand what I might have done. I look and act the same as ever, and he assures me it's not my fault.

In October 2009 I went out with my work colleagues, got drunk and slept with a married coworker who was visiting from another city. I told this man that our affair was impractical and that I merely expected us to remain professionals. For the next six months he and I chatted through email at work, but always about movies or general stuff. We pretended as though that night never happened. Steadily I grew crazy for him. but I made sure that I, LarryBelle, never did the chasing. This was partly due to guilt and partly because I hate rejection.

And one day it came out that we were both keen on reenacting that night. So, we decided to meet. We "sexted" each other and planned a reunion of sorts.

Two months has passed and he kept saying, "I will sort, I will sort" and "I can't wait to see you." This led me to think he was just a tease or that he was having second thoughts. Our communications were getting too risky for me to keep it up knowing that I may or may not get to have sex, dependent upon his whim.

So I emailed him to ask when he could meet. He said he hoped to do so in the next few months. I said, "I don't think I can keep my nerve up for that long. I'm feeling a bit doubtful."

That's my last contact with him. It's been two weeks and I've heard nothing from him, including a reply to what I said. Yes, I was trying to give him an "out" of sorts but I didn't expect him to immediately vanish! Jesus. It's not like I'm some random person who only knows him in the sexual capacity.

I feel heartsick. There's no way I can contact him to ask because it isn't going to change much, and I know this is for the best.

But now I'm back to a sexless marriage with my husband, who I love very much. Other than refusing sex, he is wonderful to me. At this point I feel very low to where each day is a struggle.

What the hell do I do!


Most Helpful Girl

  • There is more to a marriage than love. You have a choice to make, Either you make a choice to stay with your husband or you leave your husband. Do not have an affair. It is your responsibility to keep your vows, and you either do that or get a divorce. There is more to a marriage than love. I can almost guarantee you that if the roles were reversed, and you were not having sex with your husband, he would have already left you. You need to find someone to talk with, and to help you sort your feelings. Good Luck!


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • No sex is a valid reason for divorce.


What Girls Said 2

  • So what's the problem ... Sexless marriage or the married man you want to be sleeping with is blowing you off ? I have never been married but here's what I think ... You already made a commitment to your husband. Better or worse. Work things out. It also seems like once a year is ridiculous who is he sleeping with ? Have a conversation with your husband find out what the problem with him is and stop blaming yourself ! And buy some toys for the bedroom ! Spice things up

  • Just use the passion and fire that you had with this guy, and direct it to your husband. Maybe your effort can help improve the sparks that you and him used to share