I don't want to give an ultimatum, but?

My boyfriend moved to another state for work. It is a long story on how he ended up having to leave, but please take my word for it, it was not a choice he enjoyed making. I have a five year old daughter that is amazing. she will be starting in a new school next year anyway, which would make a move to another state easier. I also have a baby-daddy, who has remarried and will be having another daughter in March.

I want to move to be with the man I love, who desperately loves me, but I have a few reservations about doing it. I don't want to take my daughter away from her father here on a whim. And I feel like, unless he proposes, I can't make that move to be with him.

Now this is where it gets complicated. My ex's baby will be born in March, and I want to give him the heads up about a month later when he has pretty much completely stopped using our child as a dating tool with his new wife (trust me, it will happen) Then, after talking with him, I am thinking of giving him the legal paperwork hopefully within 2-3 weeks. Then, once formal paperwork is presented to him, my ex has 2 months to file with the court. Assuming that he agrees to let us move, it will take about a month to get the paperwork through the court system. So... that puts us at... August. Which would be just in time to move and get my baby started at a new school.

But what that time line also means, is that I would need a proposal by no later than March. Because I am not moving unless I have something concrete that lets me know he is as invested in us as I am.

But, that said: I HATE ULTIMATUMS... I don't think they ever get you what you want from a relationship, and usually make things worse.

I could really use some advice on helping my boyfriend understand my need for a commitment in the face of such a big transition. And, worse, letting him know that I need it quickly.


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  • I think that saying "Well, you have to propose or I won't move" won't work. Maybe he won't agree, or maybe he will agree but really not be sure about it. A proposal is nothing concrete, especially if it's rushed. Having a 4 year old myself, I can relate to not wanting to make such a change in her life for something that you're not completely sure about. Go ahead with the paperworks of it all.. it doesn't mean that you actually have to move, and see where things stand with your boyfriend at that time. Maybe he will have proposed on his own free will by then, but don't pressure him into a proposal by telling him that's the only way you'll move there. You can't force him into a commitment, and if he hasn't made some sort of commitment by then, then you need to decide if you want to take the risk, or stick to your guns and stay where you're at until you're sure that it's really a long term investment. If you stay, and he cannot understand why you're trying to look out for the best interest of your child by making sure you're not going to have to move her all over the place, then maybe he isn't the best person.

    • Thank you! I think that was exactly what I needed to hear.