Should I forgive and try to save my marriage? Please help!

Long story short I kissed an old friend back in March after being married for two years and with him for a total of 6. Since then my husband and I have been fighting and he has tried and tried and I basically pushed myself away and was living the single life, only not sleeping around with tons of men. I moved out in Oct because he said either I leave or he will and we own a house so I moved in with my sister. I recently discovered on Christmas day he slept with his ex who he has a 7yr old son with. I confronted him and he said it was a mistake he never meant to hurt me and he thought we were over and what he did with her meant nothing an dhe loves me. It hurt so bad becuase excuse my words but she is a #*#!** and I always was scared of her trying to get to him well she suceeded. My question is, is it even possible to fix our marriage knowing I have to see her and deal with her for the rest of my life knowing she had him? I felt she took something away from what we had. I know he doesn't care for her but he was so vulnerable and weak and he did it, but it hurts that he would do what he did. I know I hurt him for the past 10 months but this is by far the worst thing he could have done. I've been numb for months towards him and now I'm finallhy feeling like I ruined what we had, but I'm worried I will never be able to get passed him and her together. Please tell me what you think..


Most Helpful Girl

  • Personally, I think you two are about even.

    I think it is childish that you can go out, live the single life, and even take an even bigger step by moving out. Clearly what he did was a cry out for attention and was done to keep his own sanity.

    He didn't cheat on you with his ex for the sake of cheating on you. He did it to prove to himself that he too can be with someone else. It just so happens the easy route out was his ex.

    You two are young and a newly married couple. Clearly he loves you very much, and has continued to tell you so. Being that you are young, it is very difficult to be married to the same person your whole life, but that is what marriage is. It is about commitment and hard work. You must use this as a blessing because now you both know what life would be like with other people and clearly that is not what either of you want.

    Being that I was once a cheater myself, I'm sure we can both agree that it is far from worth it. Sure, for a night or so you can finally feel attractive again and know that you can still have men at your disposal. However, those men will never amount to anything close to your husband, hence, why you are very upset with his current actions.

    Please, take this as a blessing and be very thankful that it has happened. I know it seems very strange, but it has given a new life to your love for each other. You both have now witnessed what other options you have and neither of you liked the outcomes. If you love him, then you must forgive him. He has chosen to love you beyond your choices. I know it is very difficult to forgive, but you both have done equal hurt towards one another and therefore you must forgive. However, do not forget. You must realize that you two must gain each others respect and trust again, and with time, this will come.

    Perhaps, seek professional advice through marriage counseling or your local church to help save your marriage. Find what caused you to cheat on him. There is always a reason why someone cheats, often times it's not the fault of the person who cheated. Perhaps he pushed you away,etc.

    You married him for a reason, as he married you for his own reasons. You love him, as he loves you. Do not simply give up because of you two cheating on each other. Show maturity and live a mature adult relationship. Find what it is you love and embrace it. Perhaps, if it is within your means, seek professional help and go on a honeymoon together. Maybe a revamp in your marriage will help save it.

    I wish you the best of luck!

    • Thank you for your input. I have realized how much we have both done wrong here. Right now he wants time away from me since he did lie and kept an affair going for almost two months with her while still seeing me. I didn't go as far as him, but I did start this roller coaster ride. I know he chose her its because it was easy for him. I hope it works out between us, but right now he is only wanting to be friends and wants his space. No matter what we will always love eachother.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • Sorry to say it but you broke his trust and betrayed him, even by something like that. Its more severe because you both were married, that's different then just being in a relationship, maybe in his eyes all those things you said to him on your wedding day meant nothing after what you did. He did nothing wrong at that point and so he broke it off because of what you did. Even though he said it was a mistake and he never ment to hurt you by doing what he did, I don't think it matters, your actions ultimately started it all and at that point in time there was nothing holding him back, your "contract" was over in his eyes. Not only that but you said you were living the single life, and so was he. You question whether you should forgive him and try to save your marraige, but I think your looking at it the wrong way. I think if you want to try to save your marraige maybe you should hope he forgives you despite what he did when it was past that. It won't be easy but if you want to save your marriage that might be what it takes.

    • He's right on the money. What he did was wrong because he was married to you legally but if you'd already moved out and moved on aka started living the single life you really have nothing tobe pissed or even hurt about. You broke his trust and damaged your marraige by removing yourself emotionally and physically. If you didn't want him to live his life you should've thought twice about "living the single life" and kissing your friend. By doin that you cheated first so who are you to judge?

  • Step 0. He said he didn't mean to hurt you, so he still loves you - get over his error and ex *now*! You broke it, you fix it..(you do realize that don't you..?)

    Step 1. Ask if you can ever gain his trust back

    Step 2. Gain his trust back. Do the things over again that were a milestone in your relationships (trips, restaurants,..). Basically rewind and go fast forward..

    Step 3. Talk to him ONCE but in detail about what you did with the old friend and ask for forgiveness. Let's hope by then he learned to relativate better based on Step 2. Not saying there's a guarantee here..

    Step 4. Promise each other never to talk about this ever again.

    • Thank you, we do still love each other. We have decided to take things slow and go talk to someone to sort out our issues. The ex is a huge hurdle for me but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Thanks for you valued advice.

    • Hey you're very welcome..the fact that you're both up to talking to someone else together is really a great sign and signal towards one another..time heals most wounds, the rest is cured with forgiveness and understanding..Good luck to the both of you!

  • It's really hard to forgive and forget. Ultimately that's my suggestion... however... there might be more to it than I can get just from your information here. This is your experience... your life. Take stock of your life... and decide if you see him being in it and that you can't live without him... or if he's just a side-story... something that will always be there (because he will be in one way or another) but not your focus in your life, then let him go.

  • You can "fix" your marriage, if you both really want to fix it. I strongly doubt that either of you really want to at this point. Cut your losses, and move on? Or realize that this is probably just as much your fault as it is his, and apologize as best you can.

  • well, your the one who kinda flipped him to the other side to begin with. . .

  • I don't think you guys can live happily ever. You've heard this phrase, "Once a bitch, always a bitch"

    • Well come to find out he's been screwing around with this whore since I moved out. I never slept with anyone, so have you heard the saying "Once an asshole, always an asshole"!

    • LOL yeah, the same think all the way.

What Girls Said 3

  • Marriage isn't for everyone.

    I would probably ask you why you got married so young in the first place...but I know you won't have a reasonable answer (even though in your head it might seem like it is)...

    People who are immature should not be given the right to get married! No matter how old they are. It just makes the whole institution of marriage seem like a huge joke!

    Perhaps a psychological test should be given to everyone whose intention is to get married - as well as the people who wish to have children - and neither of those options is a right, it's a privilege! If you and your 'husband' can't see this than you shouldn't have jumped into it in the first place!

    I don't want to seem rude, but I have to admit that I do not understand why you're complaining to us about should have ACTUALLY KNOWN your boyfriend before you made such a huge commitment to him, and the fact that you've been in a relationship for 6 years doesn't give you a lot of bonus points, because you obviously haven't learned a lot about each other in that long period of time!

    I feel sorry for you, but still feel that you should end this now, since, frankly, it was already over...a long long time ago.

    Hope I helped, and sorry if I offended you in any way - I just believe in sincerity - for the greater good.

    • Marriage is not a privilege, it is like a contract. You don't necessarily need to fully know someone to get married either, it might be better to, but overall marriage is about commitment. In the questioning persons case, she broke that commitment first, she didn't need to know more about her husband. I don't see anything wrong with marriage (being fully commited to someone). I think in most cases when marriage fails, it means that somewhere down the road someone let go of their commitment.

    • Well...that is your opinion.

      Which I do not agree with...

    • That's why you have so many divorces in the usa.

  • This is fixable. Both of you obviously still love each other, but you made the initial mistake. YOU have to aknowledge that. But he also made a mistake, and you also must forgive for that. You guys can't get back together unless both of you have forgiven each other and decide to start new.

  • First of all it sounds like you were too young to get married... Sorry to say...

    If you are going to try to move on with your relationship, then you are BOTH going to have to be willing to forgive each other! This is going to be the hardest part, but only when you have forgiven him can you begin to love him again...

    I really hope that this works out for u, because that would be such a long time wasted... :(