Should I divorce him now or seperate?

My husband and I need time apart. This fact has been mutually agreed upon and is fully supported by all of our friends on both sides.

In short, I'm just not happy.

He's a really great guy who is wonderful to me; but he's really childish and the stress of taking care of him is making me emotionally numb. I'm no longer attracted to him. So I'm sexually frustrated as well.

Everyone has agreed that time apart is our only hope of saving the marriage. He needs time to grow up, without me here to pick him when he falls. Everyone says he needs to learn to take care of himself.

But I'm not sure if even love him anymore. I CARE about him, but I want to leave so bad that I'm worried I won't want to come back after a break.

I think about other guys all the time too. That's really bad, I know, I feel bad. People always say NOT to stay if you're not happy, I will hurt him more if don't want to be here. I just don't know if its the stress or him.

Taking a break is something we both can agree to, but the closest place I can go is 2 days away, and I'm a military housewife who is completely financially dependent on him. I don't want to leave knowing I may not come back when he will still be supporting me, I'd feel horrible about that.

I don't know if I should just divorce him now, or try time apart while still married. I'm so worried about him.

He scheduled us for counseling yesterday, and I'm so glad for that! Also, at the risk of getting kicked out of the Air Force, he's getting himself tested for ADHD. He had it bad as a kid, and medicine helped.
He's been living without medicine since way before I met him because he was worried he wouldn't get into the service if he was on meds. He and his parents believe medication for his ADHD will help him pay attention and be more of an adult.
I'm honestly worried about the risk because he really wants to be in the Air Force, but this is his decision, and he didn't ask me first, so I know the marriage is more important which give me a lot of hope.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Critical question: Will the time apart fix what's wrong with the marriage? If no, don't bother with the separation. Talk with him seriously about the future--or the end--of this marriage.

    Marriage isn't a boxing match. If you're taking breaks between rounds, it's time to throw the towel.

    • Well, he's never lived out on his before, or had to care for himself or be accountable for his own action. At 23, he acts like he's 12. I'm not so certain I want to end it, he sure doesn't. Everyone says if I leave for a while, he will have to figure out on his own how to take care of himself and the house. Then I won't be so stressed doing everything myself. I know with him being the bread winner it's MY job to cook clean shop etc, but there are some things that I shouldn't have to do, and

    • Show All
    • I'm really not sure. I'm here because of a decision that I willing made so I want to see it through, but if I could go back, I would not have married him.

    • I don't want to force your hand, but remember that there is never an obligation to fully execute a bad idea.

What Guys Said 2

  • I think the time apart is good. It gives you both time to figure things out. I know it can be hard to not want to talk to other guys. I think if you are going to go that route then you shouldn't be with him. Unless cheating doesn't bother you.Maybe he acts the way he does because of his job. And his job kind of forces him to grow up fast and be a man. I think you should do what feels right to you. Don't let the marriage thing tie you down. If you are not happy you are not happy.

    • I know this, but the thought of actually leaving upsets me, so that answers the "do I really love him". We DO need this. As to cheating, he and I both are very sexual. We both have discussed seeing other people while I'm gone. Open marriages only work if both parties agree and keep the other person completely separate. I'll be 2 days travel away. We have not decided on that yet, but I MIGHT be able to handle it. We both equally suggested that route. We both approve of who the other might see.

    • Well that's good that you guys talked about having an open marriage. I agree it works if only both parties agree to it.That's good that you love him and is trying to work things out. I wish you the best of luck. Also sorry to hear about the ADHD thing. I hope it works out for him and that he does what is best ofr the bot hof you. Every couple has problems. It's just sorting and working through the problems.

  • step in to my office becouse the love docter is about to speck if you real love him the best thing you can do is try and get some help if you what stay with him there is help out there if you what it you nead to talk to him and see if he will go get so kind of marrges consling and if won,t the best thing to do is walk a way no matter much you love him becouse in the end you both will in up in dorver,s court and that not good you or him take it for me iv,e been there dune that so go with you head and not you hart and that the best thing I can tell you


What Girls Said 2

  • This is just me, but marriage is a commitment through bad times and good. The state of marriage today is very depressing to me. If a woman has a child, and that child is a difficult "bad" child, the typical woman isn't going to just up and abandon the trouble child. They made a commitment when they had that child, that through good or bad, they would be there for them. I've always thought a spouse was the same commitment, but too many people are seperating because "They aren't happy". The question is, is it REALLY the fault of your spouse?

    Only you can make yourself happy, he is simply your partner in life. No matter who you date and marry in this world, the "fire" is going to fade, and that is completely normal. Sure you could seperate, but what is this going to help? It is very true that sometimes absence makes the heart grow stronger, but only if you are planning on making it work. Otherwise, you will find another man to date in the absence, you will then fall in love, get married again, and 3-5 years later find yourself in the EXACT same place. "Not happy". I think instead of seperating you should work on finding something to be very passionate about. I understand you're in a bad area... trust me... I'm in the same situation and I'm going nuts. But I was crazy in my 20's... I move almost every year trying to escape boredom, I blamed the place I was living everytime. It was when I moved to TOKYO and was STILL BORED that I realized it wasn't my partners... it was me.

  • I don't know much about marriage, but I know about OVER spending time with someone, you know, when you feel the flame burn out after a few years being together. You guys should just take mini vacations, relieve the stresses that come with every day life

    • I never leave the house, but that's because there is NOTHING around here that I enjoy. I like hiking and woods and mountains and the coast. We live in the dead center of Texas. I'm also a Pagan who enjoys the Goth/Industrial scene and a night owl; everything around here closes at like 10pm and Pagans keep to themselves because the Christians are radical around here and aren't very friendly to "devil worshipers". I'm not a devil worshiper.

    • Theres lots of mountains in Texas though ! They may not be close but still, wouldn't you drive a few hours to save your marriage ? & oh, if people who live around you consider you to be a devil worshiper, I don't see a reason to live there :|

    • Driving a few hours everyday when we only have one car with a V6 engine? I can't even go walking at night because it's not safe. And he's in the Air Force, we don't have a choice in living here. The closest area that meets my needs is 2 and half hours away.

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