My marriage is in trouble, I could use advice

My marriage is struggling and its getting to the point where I don't know what's going to happen. We have some serious issues. My husband has anger issues, he just explodes and has once struck me sometimes he still, grabs, shakes, or throws things certainly he verbally flies off the handle. He's emotionally very needy and can be controlling (he's not unreasonably jealous though and he does let me hang out with friends he's great about that). I have dependency issues, serious ones I rely on him for mostly everything. I have a neurological condition that means I can't drive legally and it makes me hard person to live with since there are obvious issues that effect my functionality, I'd be dependent still but that only makes it worse. I have zero confidence, he has zero self-esteem but he believes he can do everything and gives incessant advice. He doesn't think I am supportive enough and its true I could be more supportive I do try but I always seem to fail at figuring out what he needs, he contradicts himself so much I don't even know what to do. He'll say clean the house then tell me not to touch anything, stand over me and explain how I do it wrong, and sometimes he's flown into a rage about the way I've done something, he recently had a break down over loading the dishwasher (no I didn't break anything or damage the machine I just didn't pack it as full as he would have). I realize I have stopped cleaning a lot but I am actually scared of the drama surrounding it. I am actually naturally a person who cleans regularly and I always did, now I am a slob. We're not very happy, we can't be ourselves with each other anymore but I still really love him or I wouldn't keep trying. I am really tormented, I have only been with one man my whole life, relationships take work I figure I would feel like a quitter or failure if I couldn't fix things. I can't see myself finding someone else much less figuring out how to be with someone else and I feel so depleted. Obviously I am scared of living on my own since I never have but at least that aspect I feel would be quite therapeutic and much needed. I feel like he may be isn't in love anymore and he keeps bringing up our incompatibility so I sort of feel anxious like any second he will just drop the bomb. Is there anything that can be done to save us? He goes to therapy but he's not ready for me to go and he doesn't talk about everything with his therapist he hides some things. We do laugh, joke, try again and again to talk through things, and we still do try to do sweet things but physically he's gotten more distant since he used to be super affectionate.


Most Helpful Girl

  • He shows signs of being a very abusive person. If you feel like you have to walk on egg shells the entire time to keep from angering him, it's time for you to leave because it only gets worse and worse. There is no getting worse before it gets better in this situation. He has been, and still is physically abusive... and you really should have been gone after the first time he laid his hands on you. That's unacceptable and why some people stand to tolerate it.. I have no idea. I understand leaving is hard, and I know that from experience.. but by no way would you be a failure because things didn't work between you two because he's physically abusive. If he's not talking about everything with this therapist, and is hiding things, then he's not ready to better himself.. if he were, he'd disclose everything and be honest with his therapist in hopes that he can resolve the issues that he has. You're fantasizing about the way things once were, but that's not the case now and there's no way to get back to that, especially if he's still not willing to let his therapist help him, and help himself.

    You're right that relationships take work, but no one.. man or woman, should tolerate and stick around an abusive person. Be it physical, emotional, or mental. You might down play the situation in your head, but you don't deserve that and you need to get away from it.


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What Guys Said 2

  • I agree with what's been said. He has problems that you can't fix and that probably can't be fixed.

  • I grew up in a household where everyone were walking on eggshells trying not to anger my father. We all were his dependents and he knew that we knew that. My mother never work a day in her life, so we stick it out. In the end, my mother is a nut case. Us kids, have/had issues to deal with way into our adulthoods.

    That's what in store for you if you stay. You have friends, right? What about family? Can you ask them to help you get away from him before he turns you into something like the nut job that my mother is or kills you (I don't even know which one is better)?

    • I have a close friend but my family is in another country so they are far away.

What Girls Said 1

  • I have been in your shoes, and I know its easier to say than do, but your only CHOICE is to GET OUT! staying is not an option. sweet, passionate, affectionate moments do NOT make up for what he's doing to you, even if he has some kind of serious or mental issue-- its not an exuse it is control. from my expierence I tried everything to please him, doing everything he asked and was never good enough... I depended on him for everything and we had a son together. I wanted my marriage to work and I knew he loved me but sucked at showing it. I stayed until it was too late. I ended up in the hospital from the wrong moves, I got tired of the drama and started fighting back, and caused severe trama to my son ( who was 6 month old and upstairs with my neighbor) That was the turning point for me, I knew I was either going to end up dead or killing him... of course the police were involved the hospital called them, he went to jail and I haven't seen him since. it was the best thing that ever happened to myself and my son, to this day which my son is 6 now and still will not allow a man to touch me in anyway in his presence. If you don't make plans to get out and soon something bad can and will happen- and it may be too late after that. Being alone, and making it on your own is scary but staying in this situation is even scarier. PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE do not wait until its too late, love does not act or behave like this.