I am married to an emotionally unavailable woman?

hi there,

I just realized today, after 1 year of marriage that my wife is totally emotionally unavailable and she is so reactive in her life that I am very concerned about our marriage. From the beginning I knew that she had been through a lot (a lot of baggage) but I kept telling myself that things would get better. Although I am a man I am sensitive, caring, a great listener and a talker. In this marriage I seem to be the "woman" who talks, communicates and shows his love for her but all she is interested in is money, Facebook, make up, nails, shopping etc the like. I have suggested counseling many times but she won't go because it costs money. If we got paid to go to a counselor she would be the first in line. I have been thinking and talking to her about breaking up and she breaks down in tears and is heart broken for days but what can we do? this marriage won't last and we both know it. Who will pull the plug first? or will she open up and let me in her life. Please help! anyone?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Okay let's go one year back: what made you fall in love with her? And vice-versa..If you'd ask her now why she married you - what's the response? Is it an emotional one, or an agressive/avoiding one..?

    It's okay to be emotionally burdened, but it's not okay to be emotionally shallow or hollowing yourself out..

    Do other people also consider her as a money-person?

    Do you have kids? If not, and if you both know it won't last, the best counsellor is not going to help if she won't realize she's causing problems by not doing anything to meet you halfway your concerns. Why do you think she would be first in line to the councellor if money is no issue? Perhaps you can try a pro bono one.. or open up to a friend the both of you? The fact she breaks down when it comes up shows she's not that emotionally unavailable, albeit that her self-pity could have the overhand above the actual break-up..What I mean is she is not in a "I don't care anymore"-mode..which is still hopeful..

    What could help is to just break with all the daily routines and throw everything overboard of the past...11 months and re-do and re-live the moments when you did fall in love. She needs to talk to you (or anyone else) and to open up. So bring her back to last situations where she actually did that still (assuming that ever happened..), make her remember how it felt for *her* to feel loving and therefore loved..

    • Hi Mahalko, Thanks for your feedback. There are a lot of questions in your mail, which of course is great because it may bring new angles to think about. I have thought she is at the " I don't care anymore" point because she seems so reactive and unwilling (unable) to DO SOMETHING (anything) to improve at least her own life. She avoids situations until they become really unbearable and leaves. I honestly think she has never really been in love AND has never been really loved by anyone.

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  • A lot of women who have had difficult lives are generally more aloof and emotionally distant. My fiance is emotionally distant, she never tells me what's going on in her mind. Probably because she was emotionally abused for years, and was abused further by expressing her feelings. So, for her, it's extremely difficult for her to say if she's upset about something or not.

    I think it's something people like us will just have to live with.

    • Hi Sunmonster, Thanks also for your comments although I would like to believe there is more hope then thinking we (I) just have to live with it. People are adaptive species and when we don't adapt to our environment anymore we lose and in the end we die meaning of misery and not old age. anyway, thanks again.

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