I freaked out over where our relationship is going, now I need to recover and I don't know how

the other night I found out that one of my greatest friends got engaged earlier that day. I was at my bf's place spending the night, and I had a major freak out. she's only a year older than me (she's 25) and that made it worse, not to mention I've been seeing other friends of mine getting engaged etc, but this is the first CLOSE friend who I would actually be invited to the wedding getting engaged.

my boyfriend had talked about wanting a future with me MANY times before, even though we've only been together for 10 months. he finally moved to my city for school so I thought it would bring us closer together. lately I've felt like he's become distant, we stopped being intimate, and we've been bickering a lot. I think it's because of the stress from his move and starting school (which all happened within 2 weeks).

i freaked out over my good friend's engagement and hounded my boyfriend about where our relationship is going. I asked about why he hasn't bought me a promise ring yet (bc over summer he said he was going to after we had a big fight) and got upset when he said that he didn't know where our relationship is going anymore.

i was upset because "suddenly" he didn't know where our relationship is headed, when just less than a month ago he was telling me that he wanted to marry me etc without me asking.

ever since my freak out it's like he's pulling away even more.

how do I recover from my freak out about where our relationship is going? I can't just tell him I'm sorry and that I was freaking out because my friend got engaged. he already knows that.

so what do I do to recover from this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • here's the deal. I am the doctor, you are the patient, I am prescribing you a big pill of chill.

    Now that your chill, think about this. 10 months is a short ass time to get engaged. Trust me, someone who has been in a relationship for 6+ years with my fiance, you don't know sh*t about him yet and him being a dude, doesn't know the first thing about you. Do you just want to get married, or do you want to marry him? A hasty decision is not the best way to start an engagement, much less a marriage. You're 24, you have a long life a head of you. My advice is to focus on your work/studies, hobbies (or get some if you don't have them), have some fun with your best friend in her wedding process (and don't b some sassy jealous you know what about it), and live a little with your boyfriend and it will all fall into place. And if it doesn't, and you don't marry this hunk of spunk, then it's ends better than getting divorced.

    Examine this: Men are under a lot of pressure in the initial engagement process. I was for sure. You said your boos in school, so can he afford the rock of your dreams? Even if you say you'd wear a french fry there are still social stigmas, parents, what the neighbors will say etc. So here's what I am prescribing next. If you genuinely love him, and don't want to just get married for the sh*t of it, go say "I love you" (if you can't say I love you to him yet why the f*** do you want to get married). Go have some safe sex and don't get pregnant and start planning your SPRING BREAK VACATION with this fool, go live a little with him, and forget marriage right now.

    • i want to marry him, and funny enough my "perfect" age to get married is 28 (though I know life never happens as planned). I'm NOT anywhere NEAR ready to be engaged or married now, or even in the next months and neither is he. he will be able to afford the ring of my dreams after med school but I just want to do what you said, and chill out.

      but my question is...how do I SHOW him that? I know we can just have fun but I don't want him to be thinking that there's pressure because of my freak out

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What Girls Said 3

  • this is not a time to get emotional. this is a time to be cool headed and reflect on the actual facts. -----Your boyfriend does not know where your relationship is headed--------- That is a huge statement you need to take seriously. When someone says they are not sure they want to do something, this is not a time to cajole and prodd. You can't MAKE someone love you, or want you, or want to spend their life with you. When someone tells you that they are not sure about the relationship, this is a time to reflect and have some deep conversations about what you BOTH want.

    I am always taken back by how some women demand a ring or demand a relationship. What you really want to know, is if he wants to make a commitment. No pressure, no threats, just find out if he really wants to be with you. If he doesn't, though it might hurt, this is the time to pack up your little bags and say farewell!

    Relationships are not about forcing people to do things they don't want. Its not about getting to the same place that other people have gotten as quickly as we can. Its about finding the RIGHT match with someone who WANTS to be with us and who can envision a future.

    My best advice, is to get your guy a cold brew. Give him a big hug and a kiss. Look deep into his eyes and tell him, "i'm sorry, I over reacted. I hope you will forgive me." Then ever so gently, let him know that you don't want to push him. And find out how he really feels about your relationship. Sometimes the end of a relationship is no one's fault. sometimes two people realize they wouldn't be good together and they need to separate. Don't make him the bad guy in this, and by extension, don't make yourself the bad guy by cajoling and pushing him.

    good luck

  • One thing I was always told is not to compare my relationship with anyone else's. Right now he is probably feeling overwhelmed and pressured and that is why he is avoiding you. You can force anyone to move or feel faster than what they do. Be prepared to spend the next little bit apart from him (meaning him keeping his distance) leave a message saying that you arte sorry for pressuring him and you won't pressure him anymore (llet things go naturally)and let him message you when he is ready. If he does want to work things out do NOT pressure him again it does nothing but push him away. He already showed you a big step by moving to your town to be with you. Give him time alone.

  • You cannot compare your relationship with others. I'm kinda in your shoes. I'm 26 and I have anxiety/insecurities which have almost doomed me many times. I suggest talking to someone like a counselor if it comes to it. You have to do something to RELAX. I know from experience it is hard but I have also found that it pushes guys away if you rush anything. My counselor said to "just have fun" and marriage will come. Give him some "me" time and relax. Go have fun and enjoy each other and let the rest be. There will always be some girl (like alllll my friends) who are pregnant and getting married before and after you I have learned. BTW, promise rings? Who does that anymore anyway? RELAXXXX. If you bitch/moan/fuss it only pushes guys away. You have to come up with other ways to ask and get what you want.

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