How do I show him that I am there for him, but willing to give him the space he needs to sort things out in his mind?

About a month and a half ago, I noticed someone who has been around since the beginning of the year, but I never noticed him in THAT way. We started chatting via text messages and one thing led to another and we have gone for dinner, spent some time together (which is always amazing) and have gotten to know one another pretty well, through every day contact and asking loads of questions. Here comes the tricky part. He was going to get married, and called off his wedding. He said that it was not cause of me and that I should not feel responsible, but that he couldn’t marry this other woman knowing that he had fallen for me and that it would be unfair to her. Things after that were good too, we chat every day, we laugh, joke and generally have good conversation, sometimes it gets a bit heated and other days it is just plain fun and then other days it gets quite um, emotional if I can put it that way. The past couple of days, he has been distant in comparison to the past month or so, so I naturally started to get a bit nervous and I do admit, a bit pushy :-( because I knew that there was something he was not telling me and felt it is unfair that he expects me to open up and be honest about my feelings, but then he won’t do the same. I want to be able to support him, the way he has supported me. I saw him last night, and this is what transpired:

He feels that he needs to slow down and feels that I am putting him under pressure. He also said that when he called off his wedding he thought we would land up together, but he was told by someone close to him to be careful that I am not just a rebound girl and that if he cares so much about me he should rather take things slow. He, for the first time, admitted that he called off his wedding because of me, which really broke my heart, because he said originally that it was not about me. I now feel that I destroyed someone’s relationship, only now to have to back off and not be there to support him and to tell him that it will be alright, this is all my fault and now I cannot even be there for him, well that is how I am feeling. To be honest, I am very confused, I don’t know what to do. How do I respect his wishes, without him thinking "Now that the going gets tough the girl gets going", I want to support him and show him that I care and that no matter what I am always there for him.

How do I show him that I am there for him, but willing to give him the space he needs to sort things out in his mind? How do I show him that I am prepared to wait for him, because I really am? (I know EXACTLY how he is feeling I called my wedding off a year ago, so I know all the emotion that goes with it)? How do I give him space, how do I now just switch off all emotions that I have for him and try and play it cool? Please help, because I don't want to loose him...


Most Helpful Guy

  • he didn't exactly call off his wedding because of you. He called off his wedding because he realized that he was not 100% in love with this fiancé, if he had been he would not have been interested in you. At the same time, you did have a part to play in it, and you should recognize that part. Whether you feel guilty about it or not, I don't know... but you knew he was engaged and you still engaged him. So that is the first issue.

    The second issue is... If you love him, you give him space. The question is how do you do that. You need to ask him. It sounds like you were not only pushy when he was backing off, perhaps you were pushy before. So if that is a bit of your personality (and I suspect it is) he may not have a good answer, because the answer may be "quit being pushy" and only you can do/change that about yourself.

    Third, you can't "switch" off all of the feelings you have for him, that isn't going to happen. So what you are going to have to do is be disciplined and watch what you are saying and what you are doing.

    I suppose fourthly, you have to be prepared that when you give him space, he may move on. Hopefully he will not, but he might. However, if you don't give him space, he will be gone sooner than later.

    I am sorry you are in this position. It is not fun. Hopefully it will work out well for both of you.

    • Thank you for your response... I do genuinely feel guilty, but he keeps telling me not to, because if he really loved her (you are correct) he would not have pursued me... I can be a bit pushy, but also know when to draw the line and I do want to give him the space he needs and I mentioned cutting contact for a while, but he says he cannot do that... I hope that everything works out the way it should in the end too... This is super difficult...

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What Guys Said 1

  • Wow, that's crzy, that's exactly the kind of sitch I never want to be in. It may just be a lesson learned. Why would he be in love with you with plans to marry someone else? He needs to be a man and take control of his own life in a big way.

    • If he's just a playboy/ladies man that's really gay of him and this is what happens when you live like that.

    • He got engaged before he met me, then called off his wedding when he realized that he had fallen for me... He is not getting married anymore...

    • that's not the point...he has a g/f. should not be to dinner with you should be a group or you would be their friend. not a new close female friend that he continues to flirted and lead on.

What Girls Said 1

  • when you two started to chat, did he tell you he had a g/f. or engaged? if you knew, than you are as guilty.

    if you asked, he didn't tell, the he is wrong.

    if he never told you and and you never asked, he still went out to dinner with you and his girlfriend doesn't know about it...then he is wrong...

    either way, he is wrong to get close to you went is in a relationship. ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to be with.

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