Do you think this is a legitimate reason to end an engagement?

Is this a legitimate reason to end an 3 month engagement and a four year relationship?

February 25th 2013, I’m 23 and my ex-fiancé is the same age. 4 months ago my fiancé broke up with me because of something I did, or rather did not do, a few days prior. Before the incident (28th October 2012) there was nothing to suggest the relationship was on a downward spiral. If anything it was getting better than ever – we had our fallouts and arguments sure, but we worked on them together and hadn’t had a major argument since the previous Easter (2011).

Okay so the basically, the reason she felt the relationship and the engagement had to end was something that happened whilst we were at the cinema one evening. The whole day we had been looking forward to seeing the film in question. I had booked the tickets to an IMAX showing, hoping to make it an evening to remember. I drove her there so she could enjoy herself. Just as we were about to give our tickets to the usher, she took a funny turn and in a moment of panic I raised my voice. Needless to say we were outside the cinema in front of a few people arguing. Okay. However, that wasn’t a problem, we made up and went back into the theatre and took our seats. She even told me “Calm down, don’t worry about it” so I thought okay.

The film starts. Twenty minutes later she says she feels faint and gets up and leaves. I asked her “Are you okay shall we leave?” But she was already halfway out of the aisle. And for the rest of the film I wait for her to come back, but she doesn’t. I should have gone to her, but I didn’t. She could have asked someone to come and get me, but she told me it is the cinema’s policy not to come back and find me.

So the film ends, she is still out there. We don’t speak on the way home and I hear nothing from her until 31st of October. As a Halloween event, we had planned on going on a boat ride. She was texting me that morning updating me on the trip, how much the tickets were, and what time they were leaving. I was under the impression I was still going. However, due to bad weather it is cancelled. Of course, the cinema situation is still playing on my mind. I felt so bad so guilty that I didn’t go and see her. I had even become a first aider just so that when the time comes I could be there for her.

The end of the story is, she agrees to meet up with me and talk and she promptly ends the relationship and the engagement not less than enough hours after talking about the Halloween boat ride.

It was a weird sensation for the next few days/weeks. We didn’t really talk. She wouldn’t change her Facebook status. She said that she’d considered forgiving me for not going to see her at the cinema, but because I panicked one evening after finding out she had spent the night with a mutual male friend she said “No I guess I can't forgive you”.

So really since then it’s been a case of no contact, low contact, pushing and pulling from both ends. It is difficult seeing as we are in a small tight

group of friends and cutting her out is not really an option, I don’t want to commit social suicide of course. So I channelled my thoughts onto paper and onto word. Instead of hassling her and begging her back, I took steps to analyse myself and the relationship. I am obviously on her mind. One evening, she even felt it necessary to return the engagement ring – in front of our friends in a pub. Needless to say I left without saying a word without causing a scene.

I wrote up a list of pros and
cons, for and against the relationship just to keep my head straight. 43 cons against 220 pros keeps me sane – 200+ times I went out of my way to be with her and to help her through tough times. Once, she phoned me out of the blue at 6am one morning to say she had been involved in a car accident. Thankfully she wasn’t injured, but as soon as she phoned me I jumped in the car half dressed and drove the 30 miles to come and pick her up without any regards for my own safety or plans.

We see
each other socially and she is constantly bringing up our relationship in a subtle way even to the point when she mentions an inherently personal in-joke between us which leaves her embarrassed because friends have no idea what she is talking about. She also keeps referring to me by pet names. Again, she is bringing up our past and reminiscing about us. She also makes comments about how much she ‘misses’ elements of us such as my family and our hobbies.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi

    From what I've read there, you sound like a pretty regimented person. Analysed to the nth degree and maybe, just maybe at 23 she wants a little bit of sponteneity and a bit more emotion, less rules.

    I have no doubt that you wanted/want to make her happy, but the recent incident seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. You do talk a lot about you, how you felt and not really about her, her feeling faint etc, almost as if you'd made all the decisions for the both if you - that you were both looking forward to the film etc. you may find that she thought differently if you asked her.

    I could be wrong. I just have this sense. No offence intended.


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • Marriage is a HUGE decision! You're tying yourself to another person for the rest of your life.

    Any reason is a good reason not to go through with it if there are any doubts!

  • Oh my gosh... why is my gender so estranged to me? :0 I think she got cold feet. When in a relationship, sometimes you begin to envy singles. Try telling her that you will give her time to rethink the break up. Make it sweet, and short to the point. Tell her that you love her and hope she'll reconsider.


What Guys Said 2

  • Maybe she's just going through some stressful times without telling you.

  • She has shown you that she is not the marrying kind.

    At the first sign of trouble, she would have been demanding a divorce, instead of trying to work things out.

    You dodged a bullet, sir.

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