We like/care/are attracted to other, but having called off engagement she isn't in correct state of mind

She is 30 and I am 29. We have known each other for over two years now. The first time I saw her I’m sure I took notice of her because I saw that she had a ring on her ring finger so she was either engaged or married. I never made anything of it because I’m not a homewrecker and it would have just been a waste of time.

Fast forward a year, the ring disappeared and by chance I ran into her. Recognizing me, she introduced herself to me. Fast forward another 4 months and I still hadn’t made any moves because of the fact I knew she has/had a ring, but she began to show more interest in me when I visited store for lunch. She would compliment my looks/style and ask how I was doing. One fateful day we found out we were going to be out of town for the weekend, in the same place, and that was where and how we met and began talking. She confessed that she was so attracted to me and questioned why I never any moves... I didn’t tell her what I knew.

We have dated for half a year now. It started slowly initially but over the last two months we saw each other with much more frequency. About 1.5 months into dating she told me her story, that she had been engaged and that they were separated but just hadn’t made it official to their parents/friends yet; trust (cheating) was the problem. Her situation is the classic case of a great girl in a very bad relationship with difficulty and insecurities with moving on from it a 9 year commitment. As I opened up to her as we dated I realized we had so much in common from personality, thinking, interests, and goals and passions. She is unlike any girl I’ve ever met and is a truly amazing, sweet and beautiful girl. I asked her to be my girlfriend around the 5 month mark but she could never fully give herself to me just because of the lingering engagement issue.

Since then the engagement issue blew and she has been forced to deal with everything, perhaps a good thing. But it has really taken a toll on her emotionally and she told me she thought she was ready to move forward with me but she wasn’t. We still talk and I have continued to be there for her. She told me the wedding is now officially off and she realizes it was a bad, abusive relationship and she’s seeing a therapist.

I’ve reduced contact with her to give her the time and space that she needs to figure herself out and heal. Just this last Monday we talked in person in my room after not having had any physical contact in about 3 weeks. We had a deep conversation and my words affected her, she pulled me close to her and she hugged me. She fell asleep on my shoulder for a while with my arm around her, kissed a few times like old times, and could have gotten physical but we both held back. I don’t know what to do now. I really like her and I know she has feelings for me. I want so badly for us to at least give us a try to see just how our relationship might continue developing, but maybe it’s just all too soon. Why can’t love be easy?

We have done EVERYTHING TOGETHER, physical intimacy included on multiple times. The physical attraction is there, as well as likes for all all the other non-physical qualities.
I should clarify she only recently called off the engagement. She's working through all of it now which has caused her to not be in the state of mind and to take a step back from what we were progressing towards.


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  • Obviously it takes time to get over relationships and particularly broken engagements, but after two years there should be some serious progress towards something. Otherwise you wonder just how (and I use this term with respect for her) damaged she is by it all. I'm not saying you two should be having sex but there should be some sign of progression in the relationship.

    She should also be progressing towards being completely over the relationship. I think for you it's starting to get to a point where it takes a toll on you. How long can you be patient, the strong shoulder for her to cry on. What happens if one day she meets a guy who is more aggressive in his pursuit and suddenly you're on the outside looking in.

    Maybe it's just a matter of communicating what you feel and want, making it abundantly clear that while you are willing to wait for her, you have clear intentions, goals and desires.

    • We've done everything together, more than a handful of times.

    • Show All
    • I mean if you want to wait then wait. She'll feel guilty but you'd have to explain that essentially you'll wait forever for the right person and you think she is that person... you'll basically have to allow yourself not to have any expectations as it may just come back to bite you when those expectations aren't met

    • appreciate your candor madhat. I hate that it is weird between the two of us right now. when we run into her it isn't a sensation of joy that we have stumbled on each other and will then heave each others company. I feel like I have to rebuild attraction with her to where she begins having desires for me again. it's a tricky situation to not be too pushy but to also not disappear.

  • 2 years? And you have not been physical with her? You are all about that bullsh*t lol.

    Sex is NOT the foundation of a relationship, BUT it can be a door that will open many other possibilities.

    The problem was that you were scared, and it has something to do with you being a roadblock to her engagement.

    Since she was in a very bad relationship, what you should have done was pull her, sit down and discuss your options. It is already bad that she was in a negative relationship, so why are you expecting her to figure out her options? THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY. Your the man, you have the balls, you take the lead.

    "Don't let fear of what others may think of you discourage you to try out new things in life, because life is all about living towards the next experience"

    • We've done everything together, more than a handful of times.

    • I do agree that I could be more assertive with the whole situation and maybe that would provide her with even more comfort, but when she's still talking about him it's just clear she hasn't gotten over everything. How do you deal with a girl that needs to figure out herself and understand what she really wants in a guy? I feel like I could be that guy just because we click so well, but it's all too soon to jump into something so soon after? I just don't know what is the right action to take