What does he want from me??

I met a guy off of a dating site. I'm a Christian, he's a Christian. We're both over 30...he's two years younger. I'm divorced with two kids. He's a bachelor with no kids and is in the military. After many years of single parenting, I'm finally ready to marry again. There's the background.

We were matched in March and began e-mailing. Then we began talking on the phone and texting. We are so alike we could pretty much be the same person. He's a beautiful person with an amazing personality. And he pursued me...hard. I'm old-fashioned and won't call a guy or text first (usually). He called or texted almost every day for about a month and a half. Some days he'd call several times and he would text from sun up to sun down.

He had talked about coming to meet me since one of the first phone conversations (he lives about 1,200 miles away from me). His job had kept him from visiting, so when the opportunity arose for me to go up there, I did.

The date was going well until we had a conversation about what it takes to have a successful marriage. As a Christian, I'm looking for a biblical marriage, meaning the man is the spiritual head of the household. For that to happen, he has to look to God for guidance and not try to do everything on his own. That's the only way I can trust that he's making the right decisions. It's the only way I can respect him. After I said that, he looked defeated and said he was going to be single forever. As for the date, the air just came out of that balloon.

When I left, he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek (the extent of our physical contact) and then texted me to say "Thanks for coming. I had fun." Later that day I texted him to let him know it was okay if he wasn't feeling it. He basically said he was attracted to me and had fun, but talking with me made him realize that he's not ready to be with anyone yet.

OK...fine. I don't need someone who isn't ready yet. But then he said "I'm not going to stop texting, though."

Why the heck not? Does he want to be friends? OK, that's alright. But I'm not going to be the person who's there when he's lonely and feeds his ego.

It has been three days since our date and he texted me yesterday and the day before. I sent one-word answers and cut the conversation VERY short (like I sent one text each time). He was just checking on me to make sure I got home okay and whatnot.

Anyway...here's the problem. Now that we've met, I really like him. He's pretty much amazing. But, he's right, he's not ready yet. I want to be his friend, but like I said, I won't be his ego feeder. Any ideas as to why he wants to keep in contact? Am I right or wrong to keep the communication very limited? And should I sort of keep him around as a potential mate in the future?

Btw, you don't have to be Christian to answer this, but if you have knowledge of biblical principles you'll probably see the situation a little more clearly.

Thanks for your help!


Most Helpful Guy

  • I suggest you ask him all these questions. He can answer them better than any of us.

    You have every right to set your own boundaries and expectations. If this guy's not a match, I vote for letting him go. Don't try to be friends, don't feed his ego (if that's what he wants). You're looking for a husband, not a friend.

    If you don't want to see him, I think you owe him the courtesy of a clear and direct message. "You're a great guy, but it's too painful and confusing for me to see you as anything other than a serious boyfriend or spouse. Good luck, but please don't contact me unless you change your mind are ready to get serious."

    • Awesome. Thank you. Very wise advice and along the lines of what I had been considering already. We didn't go into this looking for friends - we were on a dating site, ya know? As I said in a previous comment, I do want my mate to be my friend - my best friend - but there has to be potential for more or what's the point? It's not like he was my friend before we met. Thanks again for your help.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Well if you're going to stay in contact with the guy you'll have to get over yourself. Your hardliner stance on religion is what chased him off, that is a guarantee. You are holding expectations against someone which that person might not be able to or willing to live up to, and let me tell you this he isn't looking for a spiritual marriage, he is looking for someone he can be friends with first and foremost. You are also probably not the first time he has run into the question of spirituality, it’s probably happened on a regular basis from his response to your stance on it.

    I think recent religious leanings have really screwed up the point of marriage, marriage isn't about God which many of your conservative religions like people to believe, it is about two people coming together to support and love one another through everything as a primary focuses on their life. Back when the "biblical" ideologies of marriage were constructed that was the standard, the man was the head of the house hold, provided for the family, and proved as a representative in the religion, the woman’s job was to be subservient to the man and oversee the day to day operations of the house hold. It was a stability and security practice, nothing else. Times have changed but Christianity hasn't for the most part. This guy might be a Christian with many of the same ideologies you do but it doesn't mean he holds all the same values when it comes to marriage and relationships.

    • Actually, you're only half right about the point of marriage. It's actually a symbolic expression of Jesus' marriage to the church. That's why the Bible says that men should love their wives as Jesus loves the church. And you are right that he's looking for a friend first and foremost. So am I. But I'm also looking for a potential mate. If he doesn't have potential, then why stick around?

  • Hi there, I'm going to keep this short for now. I realised from his reply and check-up text's that the date went pretty well, and he was quite chuffed, meeting you. I do not quite understand what you meant by "ego-feeding" - I supposed it's something like boasting his own ego with the fact that he's "texting-you-up". I think for that matter, if (from what I could gather you were a bit disappointed in how the date turned out - do not let it influence your judgement) he drains you in any way, drop him and just kind of discard him as a friend not to mention potential mate. If that is not the case, where the benefit seems to be of a mutual kind, maybe hang on and keep it fairly platonic. I'm a Christian and I think your values are fair and justified, I agree with them. I also think that anyone with a tad of maturity and a sense of respect would be able to understand the situation (as opposed to be biblical) by that I mean your reaction and demands aren't out of the ordinary.

    Short break-down: If it doesn't hurt, stay friends.

  • A potential mate in the future,that doesn't sound very biblical to me. I would pass on the dating sites, find some one closer than 1,200 miles like some one from the church you go to. Raise your kids to the best of your ability and when the time is right everything will follow.


What Girls Said 1

  • Perhaps he has different christian ideals from you... As we all know, christians have many many contrasting beliefs. The irony.

    You are being pretty rude by giving one-word answers and cutting the conversation short. Do you treat a friend like that? Seriously?

    • If he has different ideals than I, then he's not the guy for me. We both read the same Bible. No matter how one tries to twist it to justify their own motives and desires, it still contains the same truths. He knows that & that's why he felt so defeated. It wasn't me talking to him - it was God through me. If it was just me, I don't think he would've cared. You may be right about the rudeness. But the point is that he could just be talking to me for selfish reasons & I have to protect my heart.