Will my fiance be more possessive and controlling after marriage?

i got engaged last week. it was decided by family and an arranged marriage. I spoke to him for the first time after the engagement. at first he was good to me. from the 2nd phone call, he started to say things like 'i don't like these things. so stop doing them'. for example, I speak to my best friend in her native language. my fiance said he hates that and he has told me not to speak in that language again. I am creative and I write a lot. he has asked me to stop and said that it is a waste of time. he then looked into my fb account with his aunt and asked me to delete a school friend who is a boy. he said that the message my friend sent is inappropriate. it is actually a new year message which was sent 2 years back and he has tagged 40 others along with me. so it is not even a private message. he sounds very possessive and controlling. he wants to change me into the person he likes. I can adapt into his family but I cannot change my identity. I have told him a lot of times that there has never been another man in my life and that I was only interested in grades when I was in school or college. and then things took a change yesterday. during our 4th phone call, he turned to be very good to me and he didn't talk about my male friends or about things that I have to stop doing.

my marriage is six months away and I am terrified with the idea. will he become worse after marriage? breaking up is a very tough job because the problems that come later will be too hard for me and my parents to handle. my fiance has posted out engagement photos in fb and a lot of people know about us. they will think I am at the wrong side if there is a breakup. in the place where I live,breaking up a marriage is like you have just committed the worst crime possible and my life will come to a full stop.

i have no idea what to do. he also asked me about children. I said I never gave it a thought. even if I get married to him, I will need some time to trust him before I give myself to him completely. I lost my trust in him when he time and again asked about other boys in my life. will I get the time I need to change my opinion about him? or do you think he will change? or will I be doing a mistake if I go ahead with this marriage?

i need your suggestions please.


Most Helpful Guy

  • This is one hell of a question.

    you are asking for advice on arranged marriage. At least to most on here, I would say its an unfamiliar subject.

    However, being unsure of the future, and being worried about what others might think? That is something that we can help with.

    When everything is said and done, will you be happy where you are? If you don't think so, that what could be done at that point?

    from what I understand, if breaking off the engagement is bad, then breaking a marriage is unthinkable. So, I would think very long and hard if it is what YOU want. If its not, and you still go through with it, you won't have many options besides leaving all together (which is always an option)

    With the possessive issue, I cannot say for sure what he will do. However, I would say, from what's given, it is very likely he will become more controlling once you are married. This isn't to say you have to let him be controlling, or let him do anything in fact.

    Overall, I would just suggest self reflection on the issue, deciding what is most important to you, and choosing the paths that protect the things that are important to you.


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • It's so very different here in the west that's it's really hard for us to give you advice. It's just about impossible for us to put ourselves in your culture and understand how it would affect you and your family.

    Having said that, it seems like he will get worse. He sounds very controlling. As a westerner I'd say get away from him. But I also understand that can have serious affects. We live in a world made smaller by the internet where you can talk to people around the world. But you still have to live in the real world where "radical" western advice might get you in trouble.

    Yes, I think he will get worse. Yes I think you should leave him. But that's entirely a westerner's point of view. Only you can know what it will really mean if you did that.

  • Probably. Marriage changes a person a lot the minute they get married. If it seems wrong then for gods sake don't get married. I sure wish I hadn't - twice. Now I am single and I don't want a girlfriend and I do everything alone. Its great.


What Girls Said 2

  • My goodness :( I'm so sorry you have to be in this position.

    Where do you live if you don't mind my asking?

    To answer your question, yes, judging from your brief paragraph above he probably will get more possessive/controlling once you're married if he's already treating you more as a possession than a person.

    If you don't want to go through with it and there's some way out I think you should take it.

  • Odds are he will only become more controlling. From my perspective, I could never go through with something like that, but I come from a very different culture. I think you should really think about what you want and talk to your family about your concerns. I would think most people don't want to put their loved ones into a situation that will potentially be damaging to them, so I would think your family would be supportive of you and help alleviate any concerns you might have.