Ladies, is it over before it began?

Question

What a difference a week makes..
You need to know this first:
1 just got out of 20 years of marriage and 25 years together with my ex wife. divorce was final in January. It wasn't something I wanted.  I was a complete wreck the last 3 months. I have 3 boys. 2 live with me 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. I am not introducing them to anyone right away.
She just ended a 3 years relationship in  December  and it living with her dad while she looks for a place.
I met someone last Monday at the gym and we hit it off really well.  We even count it as our First Date.  She invited me over Tuesday night but we didn't have long because her dad was going to be home soon.  We ended up with about an hour and a half makeout session with resulted in her bra off and she whispered "I want to make love to you" in my ear.  WOW. But we didn't have time so we made plans for  Friday . Thursday we went on our first real date.  we hit it off really well.  We have so much in common for just randomly meeting each other. after a very nervous day  Friday  the plans fell through when her dad stayed home so we went out on a date. We rescheduled our sex night for this Sunday after I take my kids back to their moms house.  We have been constantly texting each other for the last week. I am crazy about her. She seemed to be about me.
So...
Yesterday I received a long text about how things have been going so fast and she thought she was ready until she was at a family party and they kept asking "why didn't you bring him"..and "what are your plans" so she said she just wants to slow it down and get to know each other.  That she just needs some time to get used to it and doesn't want a full on relationship until she is ready. She also said now she doesn't feel she is quite ready for sex and wants to be able to be herself with me once we do start having sex.  She put in a couple of "I am NOT leaving you" in the text, yada yada.
CONTINUED IN UPDATE...

celestialdaeva · Accepted Answer

Wait, so after a week her family expected you to be brought to family functions? Whoa. That's crazy fast. My first thought was that she must have been really talking you up to her family, leading them to think things were more serious than they really are. In that case, it'd just be a matter of pointing out that you guys were, in fact, still in the early stages and not rushing - despite how they act. But then I read that you previously got engaged after a few dates and that you don't know how to date long term. WHOA. That's scary, man.

Follow this general rule: Never make plans or discuss potential plans with her for further into the future than you've been dating. If you've been dating 3 weeks, don't yet invite her to that concert that's in 2 months, but go ahead and set a date for a week or 2 away. NO talking about a 'forever' future together, even hypothetically. It's okay for you to talk about what YOU want in the future for YOUR life, and it's okay for her to talk about what SHE wants in the future for HER life, and it's okay to see if you guys even want the same things in life in the future, but it's not okay to talk about "y'all's" future and to start talking about achieving those things TOGETHER.

You need to enjoy the PRESENT. Enjoy getting to know her. Enjoy the butterflies in your stomach. Enjoy flirting. Enjoy surprising her. Enjoy planning dates. If you spend your time planning for the your future with her, you're going to miss out on the joy of NOW, and you'll actually be setting yourself up for a higher chance at breaking up because when she starts acting in a way that you view as not in-line with your plan, it'll feel like a much bigger threat than it really is.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don't think she has plans to dump you at all.

I don't know how "adult" relationships work if both parties are divorced but I do know how dating works. I think it's perfectly reasonable to slow down and go on dates. You bring up the whole "if she saw you as a long term partner" thing...and still, going slow is okay. I see my boyfriend as the man I want to marry. I saw him as that when I met him when I was 14 years old :p But I'm not rushing things. We're 20 now and haven't had sex yet. I want to be absolutely positive before I do anything.

Her family seems to have put things in prospective for her. Despite what you may think, 3 months isn't really that long of an amount of time to know someone before jumping into bed with them. And she has some valid points of wanting to be herself with you before bringing it to the bedroom.

I know you were banking on sex but waiting can be good, too. Is she going to make you wait forever? Probably not. But take her out to dinner, go to a movie, go for a walk in the park - do cute couple-y things without the end goal of the evening being sex.

Despite our age differences I feel like dating is the same no matter what age you are. I bet if you go slow and do the dating thing for like 3 more months she'll have you in bed by the end of July :p

musicbrain5 · Accepted Answer

I have practically no dating experience, BUT it doesn't sound like she is dumping you based on what you said. I think you are just building that up in your mind! Both of you recently got out of very long term relationships, so there are changes happening for both of you. She likes you and is interested, but I think she is slowing down a bit so this doesn't turn into a rebound relationship.

It's wise to move slowly at this point. Getting to know each other outside the bedroom is really important in my opinion. Go out on your date and have fun, and if it doesn't go beyond the making out stage again, don't worry about it. I dated my fiance for a couple of months after he showed interest in me, just kissing, and no sex until I knew it was going somewhere. He was my first for everything though so that was definitely a factor (see, I told you I am not experienced).

I see so many questions on here about people moving really fast in new relationships and then wondering why they got burned or asking if the other person was just using them for sex. Don't let that happen! Have fun with this woman and let things progress naturally, when you feel like taking it to the next level then do it. She has already expressed interest so that is a good sign, but don't force anything.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

No yada yada. Take it slow. It is better foreplay and you will have less problems the slower you go as you will want to know everything you can before you fall head over heels for this lady. Don't let it bother you at all and don't try too hard. Show her patience and tease her. Be happy and have fun and everything will follow suit.

bethanyyy · Answer

I don't think it's that she's lost interest and is just trying to be nice. If she'd lost interest, she wouldn't have bothered to say "I am NOT breaking up with you".
I'd say that what happened is that she liked you from the start, and is attracted to you. But it sounds like her emotions got the better of her, and so did her sex drive, and you both were moving leaps and bounds ahead.
Then when she was being questioned about you at her family function, she probably reflected on the current relationship with you, and realised it has become somewhat sexually driven...and that is not the type of relationship that one would bring to family functions etc.
However she probably realised that she does like you, but still barely knows you, and there you were, about to "make love" to one another, when really, in the grand scheme of things, you barely know one another.
It sounds like she values you if she is trying to get to know you properly. But she just wants to be sure that her interest in you is based on something of depth and substance, rather than primal urges.
I once moved too fast with a guy aswell, on an emotional level, then I suddenly realised I barely knew him, and we needed to slow things down just a little, so I can be sure of my feelings, so I wrote to him to tell him of this, but he took this as rejection, and broke everything off completely, which upset me a lot .
What males seem to fail to understand, is that a woman means what she says, it is not about reading between the lines. And women do.like to.take things slowly...this does not mean that they want to break up with you.
Please just listen to her, and respect her for how she is feeling.

MzCoco · Answer

I think she acted appropriately. I would do the same thing. I think seeing that you both just got out of long term relationships, the thrill of someone new was exciting and a turn on. there's something about meeting someone new and making out with them for the first time thats different from how it is in long term relationships. Therefore the making out and sex talks came fast. That said i think thats way too fast to already be planning sex. You two need to get to know each other better first before taking that step together. I think you both need to decide if you are both ready for another long term relationship too.

Thats very common in ALL relationships, seeing that you said you haven't been in many i can see why that would be confusing for you. She genuinely seems interested in you though so i wouldn't give up on her just yet. If she made a point of saying i want to slow down and i am NOT breaking up with you i would assume she meant it.

Update 1: actually not really. If i see you as long term i will go slow, learn about you, see you more and more, develop feelings, then sex. If i DONT want a long term relationship i wouldn't take the time to learn all that about you and we would get straight to the hooking up.

Anonymous · Answer

You asked me to reply, and I agree with what the other women have said. I dont think she's going to leave you. As someone else wrote her family may have put things into perspective for her. If so its very possible that perspective will go back to what it was before the family gathering. I think we wo men are generally a bit more suspetiable to second guessing ourselves (or gut).

I do kinda think that putting off that kind of intimacy right now sounds best. Your divorce was only finialized three months ago and chances are your going through a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And I can't help but think that your divorce may have an impact on your lack of faith in her interest in you and keeping her around. As you said she came into your life at the worst peroid in your life. Her presence is easing your pain and you dont want to risk seeing her as an answer to all your woes. Let the newness of the relationship wear off some, let both of you get comfortable with each other, jump into intimacy with both feet firmly planted in reality.

Anonymous · Answer

Her reasoning sounds pretty legit to me, I don't think she's trying to pull one over on you, I think she's being sincere.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time getting to know someone, especially when you are both coming out of LTR.  I dated my fiance for 2 months before I would agree to be his GF, we also dating for about 1.5 months before I would go all the way with him.  6 months after that he asked me to marry him and I said yes.  This is all after I made him wait months, even told him I didn't want anything serious, and he kept pursuing me.  So there you have it, I gave him less commitment right away than she's giving you, and within the year I agreed to marry him.  Chin up, I don't think this is anywhere near over for you.

Emiliaxo · Answer

It's a really tough situation. One thing I know for sure is that she does not want to lose you. She keeps saying that she is not leaving you and you should believe her. Otherwise she wouldn't be repeating herself.
Maybe she a bit caught up in the moment. I believe things have been going so great between you guys that she kind of got lost when it comes to herself and only now she realized that she needs some time and thing should slow down a bit. That doesn't mean that its over because it's not. Maybe she went through bad relationships in the past that are making her feel this way. If you are unsure, talk to her about it. Communication is key! And even now, show her what a man you can be even when things slowed down! Show her what an amazing guy you are and who knows, she might he ready a lot earlier! Good luck :)

samhradh_leannan · Answer

I don't think that you need to worry. It sounds like she was getting caught up in the moment but once she realized that her family was starting to get involved etc, she realized how fast things were moving. Wanting to take is slow doesn't mean she isn't interested anymore. It really doesn't. My advice is to accept the slow pace and enjoy getting to know each other and just see where things go. When both of you are ready things will progress.

iampikachu · Answer

I think both were going too fast. She is interested but doesn't want to seem like she is easy. I can understand how she felt an attraction and wanted to make love.  My guess was that she was attracted and interested in you and horny at the same time. But after some thought you felt it was better to wait. I dont think you have screwed up. Just give her time and get to know each other better.

Betwyn · Answer

I'm all for rebounds. I live for them.

But with the relationships you are both coming out of, if you don't go slow, that is all you two could ever be.

Her family asking her about you, has made her think that maybe, she wants you for more then "just a rebound"

MaskofInsanity · Answer

Women are strange. We don't want to sleep with people we see potential with, because we don't want to feel used or get hurt.

She likes you, she's just concerned about it moving too fast. You clearly have a lot of chemistry and its easy to get caught up in that. She wants to press pause, not stop, ad slow it all down so you can enjoy your time together without it burning out.

Jbgurl20 · Answer

I don't think she wants to dump you. There is no question, she likes you. She just want you guys to slow down a bit

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