Together but don't want to get married?

I have a friend who's been with a guy for 5 years. Their relationship had gone stale since a long time ago, they rarely talk and only hang out on the weekend. She's going overseas for her new job that's gonna last at least 2 years and her boyfriend told her he wants to marry her once her job's done.

The thing is she doesn't seem to have any intention on marrying him and she said even if the guy propose to her 2 years from now she'd say no. When I ask her if she even loves him she said that she can't answer since she doesn't know. I asked her why don't you just break up then, she said that their relationship is fine (means no fights) and since she has been with him for so long she's already used to his presence despite the fact that right now they're more like friends rather than lovers and don't even communicate that often.

To me as a guy this just doesn't make sense, if you don't want to be with someone why would you be in a relationship with him/her? Mind you, this girl WANTS to get married.. just doesn't seem that she wants to do it with her current boyfriend. Any comments?
what's worse is that she said even if no one else wants her and that guy is the last guy for her, she'd still say no.. I mean WTF?


Most Helpful Girl

  • 5 years is a long time, and we can assume that her decision to ultimately not marry this man is considered a "waste of time". and truthfully speaking, no one would waste their time without having a solid reason to do so!

    Her response is very vague but there is always a reason as to why someone would "waste their time" and it is much deeper than what she is actually telling you. I have been in a 5 year relationship and after realizing that I did not want to marry this man I went through a couple phases in contemplating whether or not I should stay. Why I had stayed in this relationship for another 5 months after I realized I did not want to spend my entire life with this guy was this:

    1. I was hoping he would return to the guy I first fell in love with

    2. I had invested too much time and effort into our relationship that I did not want to have it all go to waste.

    3. Since I was his only source of happiness I was afraid if I leave he would drop out of school, do drugs, drink, etc.

    4. His family. I loved his family more than him, and I was afraid that if I broke up with him he would do something so rash that it would hurt his family.

    5. I was "comfortable" familiarity was comforting- it was simply okay to live with but there was nothing truly exciting about our relationship.

    6. I stayed knowing I would not want to marry him because I was trying my best to teach him how to live independently without letting him know that I had intentions of breaking up with him!

    7. Immaturely, this may sound stupid, but like a child; I would hate to leave him and find him happier with someone much more prettier than I or worse- to be with the girl he had "liked" while we were dating!

    8. What I see in this pattern of all my reasons to stay is ultimately because I cared about him. I did not love him, I did not see a future with him, but if anything I truly cared about him.

    Just Remember:

    There could be many more reasons as to why she insists on continuing a "un-savable" relationship. SHE definitely knows why she wouldn't marry him, its just that she may not want to tell you the real reason maybe for reasons she must be ashamed about. I must repeat... you must keep in mind that no one would sacrifice their own potential happiness without having a reason to!

    • I see.. so you're saying that you still stay with this guy even though you don't love him or think that you'd be happy with him? as for her main reason, they have different religion and it's quite an important issue to her.. you're right though there could be other more embarrassing reasons. My question is how long do you plan on continuing like this? knowing that you "may" fall in love with another guy, would you leave him then?

    • Show All
    • Well she did admit that it's probably a matter of time before the relationship ends. It's like she's waiting for something to happen or for some other guy to take her away. For me it's a big waste of time because if you're gonna end it then might as well end it now. I was in a similar situation myself but as soon as I saw there's no future I ended the relationship. I suppose girls are more afraid to end a commitment..

    • you are exactly correct my friend, I don't know if its necessarily a girl thing but my friend who is a guy had said the same exact reaction as you =__= its just to me, confrontation is difficult, falling in love with another guy is a bit shameful but holding on to a "un-savable" 5 year relationship is damaging to both and more shameful. look at it this way; she is just a nice girl who is afraid to hurt his feelings! : ( tell her I wish her luck, this was the hardest thing for me to do.

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What Girls Said 1

  • There is obviously something she is not telling you here. Whys he would stay with a guy and not want to marry him, well who knows. Some guys do this with girls too. They date them for 4, 5, 10 years and when the girl asks them when he is going to propose he finally tells her he doesn't want to marry HER. Pretty devastating stuff, especially if the other person is in love with that person.

    I would talk to your friend. He needs to make a decision. She is willing to stay, but she's obviously not happy and won't break it off with him. So he needs to be informed. If he wants to get married to someone who loves him then he needs to break up with her and move on. It's hard, especially if he has invested lots of time in the relationship, but it's for his good.

    No one should have to stay with someone who doesn't love them. I'm sure your friend is a great guy. But obviously this relationship has gotten stale and unless she some how discovers her love for him, he is just wasting his time. She is moving away for 2 years. That is a long time to be away. In that time she may even find someone she will want to marry, and how is that going to make your friend feel?

    I would put it in perspective for him. He needs to see this, especially if he wants to start having kids soon. He needs to find a girl who is going to cherish his love instead of just waste his time.

    • Well that's the thing.. they're like total opposites with each other. The girls wants to have kids, the guy doesn't. There's also no guarantee the girl would come back after 2 years since she said if she likes her job she'll be extending her stay but the guy wants her to come back after 2 years. It's driving me crazy to see such a hopeless relationship, I mean how can you stay with someone on a basis of familiarity? how long can you stay that way?

    • How long really depends on the person. Everyone has a different tolerance for how long they are willing to wait. Unfortunately your friend is probably going to get his heart broken. The only thing I can say to do is to talk to him. Try to get him to see that this isn't good to keep going out with her. She obviously has different ideas about their future.

What Guys Said 3

  • It seems that she is currently with him as a safety net. She is used to his presence (as you said) so that implies that she feels there are no other men to whom she feels completely obligated to. It could also imply that there are no sparks either due to her or to him - either of them could have given up because they feel as it will do no justice in the relationship. I would not push her to an ultimatum because her choices are hers alone and no person should have a right to direct her. This is a subject which we would call "yet to be seen" which means she is deciding and not him for he made his default choice while she is waiting for something special to come or end.

    Is better to wait then to be an interloper in another's choice.

    Good Luck

    -Nicholas Halden

  • Most people can't stand being around for that long, just the fact that she's been with him for that long without marriage is quite the accomplishment. I can't answer for you why she might still be with him, but from experience, I've seen women stay with guys because they think guys will change to what women want them to be later down the road.

    Maybe she is waiting for something, or maybe she is with him for economical reasons, who knows, maybe asking her to have a cup of coffee and having a discussion about her relationship will reveal how she really feels about him.

    • Hmm not really, the guy's not that rich. She said she has also given up trying to change his uncaring attitude. Their relationship is sort of on and off though.. she doesn't even think she'd be happy if she ends up marrying this guy.

    • All the more reason to have a chat with her about it. If what you say is true, she is most likely yearning to have someone to talk to.

  • In a nutshell, he's not a husband material.


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