What I have learnt in the last 1.5 years

I have posted a few times in the last 1.5 years. My ex dumped me 1.5 years because he couldn't handle the distance. For the greatest part of those 1.5 years he told me that maybe we can be more again if I move one day. Of course, I clung onto this like a drowning woman to a lifebuoy. When I say that he said that for the greatest part, I mean that it was interlaced with mean things like him saying we need to stop talking, or him criticising me and telling me to get a grip. Last year in August was the last time that he said he would probably date me again if I moved, and in September he told me he'd like to see me again. In October, he suddenly stopped talking to me. I never heard from him again. I tried to get in touch as I was worried and confused. Earlier this month, eventually, I got notified by the police that he reported me for "harassment" because I have supposedly harassed him since October. I've found out that he has a girlfriend since October, so I can only guess what his motives are. I assume he needed to get rid of me, and needed to make it look like I was obsessive and insane, because he didn't want her to know about the things he'd told me. Frankly, I guess when she appeared in his life, he had no need for me anymore and the most efficient way was to go to the police and have them tell me not to contact him again. Because it would have been so hard to tell me himself.

For the past 1.5 years, I always thought that him finding someone new would hurt more than anything else. But you know what? It doesn't. And not just because he has proven to be a petty jerk with the police thing. On the contrary, it makes me feel great. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel like I finally got my life back.

What I've learnt is that I need to stop idealising guys. I always believed he was an honest and thoughtful person. But a good person wouldn't go to the police because of a maybe 15 email between October and January. I've learnt that when someone dumps me, he should no longer be allowed to play a role in my life. At least not for a very long while. I read all these posts on here about people wanting to get their ex back, or wondering if their ex still has feelings for them. I was one of those people. For a very long time. Too long. It makes me sad when I read those posts now because someone who dumped you does not deserve your feelings and thoughts. I know it's hard and painful, but it's just not right that people prolong their suffering. What I've learnt is that next time someone dumps me, I am not going to let it consume me. I will not be fed lies until someone better comes along. I will not be the idiot on the backburner.

It was a very tough time. But I came out of it and I feel so strong and so free. I don't even have any hatred for my ex, despite the fact that he's a coward who asked the police to tell me something he wasn't man enough to tell me. I feel free. And awesome.

I wish you all the best and the strength you need!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • wow. I read this with tears in my eyes.

    i can honestly say, that this describes what I went through about 8 months ago. except, I broke up with him over the distance. we tried, I felt like I was trying harder to see him and meet him, but more times than not, I was met by excuses and put on the backburner for his gaming career. I ended up breaking it off when he didn't talk to me the last two weeks I was away. unfortunately, it was the last straw, but was honest and said it was not working well for me and I'd tried everything I could, we were arguing more, and thought maybe in the future when we had more time for each other, we could try things once more. he was furious with me, and cut me out of his life. I spent my whole entire summer, trying to win him back over because of the guilt of breaking his (and my own) heart. I sent emails, spoke to his friends, everything I could to win him over, and never once did he apply to my apologies or anything. he went so far to avoid me at his favorite restaurant, in an obvious fashion. he found a new girl in the process, and threw me away like trash by talking crap about me on his gaming stream, as if I was a piece of meat. but I pined and pined over him, losing my sanity when I saw he was with the new girl, and ruined every possible relationship opportunity for the hopes my ex would "come back". it consumed my whole being. I ate, drank, slept, wept for the day he would finally come back. he never did.

    in the process, I was humiliated by his friends, hurt by the new girl saying to my face that after treating her badly, he BEGGED her to come back, and she gave him another chance (something that was never given to me).

    it wasn't until I hit extreme rock bottom this December that I was able to see the light, and started to release my ugly anger and resentment towards my ex. I can say that it has desensitized me from dating. I know that if he really had cared to really try, he would've back then, all of the times I gave him the opportunity to. but, in that storm, I see that idealizing IS a terrible thing to do, for anyone. we are only human. it leaves you with the illusion that they could never do anything wrong, but in reality, you're setting yourself up for complete failure.

    now, I'm content in concentrating on my studies and bettering myself, the one thing I destroyed for this person. but now, I treasure myself to NEVER let myself go to that dark place again. I hurt knowing that you went through this for a year and a half, no one should EVER have to go through that pain or turmoil, but you know what, you still came out on top ;) and that's what make people awesome. I truly loved your story. and I wish you nothing but the best and complete happiness :)

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    • When I was dumped, my brother said about my ex that "he obviously wasn't the right one then". I didn't understand that back then, and certainly didn't agree with it. My ex also made excuses why he couldn't meet more often, or why he couldn't talk as often as we used to. But my brother is right, the right one would make time for the woman he wants. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but like you say, it makes us stronger. In the future, I will not ignore warning signs the way I did with my ex

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What Guys Said 2

  • I often advise people to think of the positive side of a break-up: exactly what you said, the fact that it gives you back your freedom and your life, without all the stress and hurt feelings that go on when people separate. (Most of the time.)

    People let themselves get depressed because,as you say, they idealize the person, suppress the memory of their faults, and tend to think of them as 'ideal.'

    IF they were really so ideal, then you wouldn't have broken up, anf you wouldn't have been hurt...that's my take in most situations.

    As you say, the exes have flaws, too, and don't merit you getting depressed about them

    'Especially in this case. Wow...being put on the back burner until he found someone new, and then going to the cops to get THEM to tell you what was happening... ! Quite a cad, eh?

    Most guys aren't that abominable, you know, don't judge us all by him!

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    • It's true, even though most of us can't or don't want to see the truth, the person who is right for you wouldn't leave you or hurt you. It usually takes a while to regain that objectivity and remove them from the pedestal. But in the future, I will be more careful because whilst this was a hard lesson, it was a good one I will not forget again.

    • Thx, Best Answer, right?

  • It warms my heart how you came out strong and being optimistic about life.

    I also wish you all the best.

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What Girls Said 2

  • yeah it really helps to just stay busy and believe in yourself.

    i have gone through countless break ups, been dumped or dumped the other.

    you just learn from the mistakes you went out with and find someone who deserves your time and attention, that's what I learnt.

    and I realize how much I lowered my standards when I went with past ex's. you move on for a reason, to do better.

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  • I went through very similar things like you with my ex. And honestly, what was at the time a life shattering event that felt more painful than death, turned out to be another life lesson that left me happier, and stronger. I'm so glad you found strength happiness and freedom. That exactly how I now feel. In fact I have only the best wishes for my ex. If they chose to leave us, so be it :D

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    • It's funny how, when you look back on things, you realize they're really just a relatively small bump in the road. I also wish the best for my ex, although I don't think he deserves it ;-) I'm just glad that I feel the way I do. I catch myself smiling quite often (for no reason at all), and it makes me so happy because I realize that I am finally free. I don't wake up thinking of him anymore, I don't feel the need to get in touch, he simply doesn't matter anymore. That is awesome.

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